Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS

ANC

ANC

Well-Known Member
You'll have to visualise this one yourself:
From the news today;
East London - A drunk motorist was arrested near Queenstown in the Eastern Cape after allegedly being found to be 32 times over the alcohol limit, the department of transport said on Thursday.

The motorist was driving a Mercedes-Benz Vito at about 23:00 on Wednesday when he was stopped by police.

Blood tests were conducted on him and he was found to have an alcohol content of 1.6g/100ml.

This is 32 times over the limit of 0.05g/100ml.

Five boys and a woman, who were also in the vehicle with 15 sheep allegedly stolen from nearby farms, were also arrested.

- SAPA
Click to expand...
http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Motorist-32-times-over-alcohol-limit-20101223
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member

Paraprosdokians




A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!


I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.



If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.



We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.



War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.



I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.




To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.



Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!



Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.




You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
DST

DST

Well-Known Member
I forgot about these adverts, they actually ran this at normal TV hours in The Netherlands..swearing is not really a big thing on Dutch tv. lol.

[youtube]ZpWxuqO5sYQ[/youtube]
 
woodsmaneh!

woodsmaneh!

Well-Known Member
A police officer in Calgary stops at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The Police officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs......



"Your badge. Show him your Fucking "BADGE"!
 
woodsmaneh!

woodsmaneh!

Well-Known Member
[FONT=&quot]LONDON LAWYER[/FONT][FONT=&quot] vs. GLASGOW COP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any cop. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!![/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]London Lawyer says, "What for?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please" [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
Out of the mouths of kids!

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and
sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then
flew off..

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck
was that?'


Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It ... it was only
a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.


He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who seem to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than I imagined it used to be."


The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"








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