I know how you feel and what you are going through right now. But i hope i can help you see there is a happier side to come.
i don't know at times i feel much more confident in myself if i haven't smoked.
i feel like weed has always been a way to escape from being different but i didn't understand that it was because i was gay until a year ago.
Green makes you think. Thought is our only real freedom, and we can think what we want, but this leads to your rational thoughts having to battle against the the fairytale doctrine of your parents, and Christianity in general. But surrounding yourself with supportive and unjudgemental people (which thankfully stoners tend to be, and my new set of mates have saved my sanity) is the best thing to do, even if you don't tell them you are gay (straight people don't have to come out why should we?), being in a nicer environment with no-one trying to damn each other to hell really helps, and having true friendship, not one that is based on a novel which says love all except <insert long list of people christianity expects you to hate>.
for a few months i even became an alcoholic this last year. i just don't understand or really know what to do anymore...
...is it time to stop smoking entirely and stop all substances for a while or something? my head hurts from thinking so much but when i am not high or drinking i feel like i need to be 'macho' all the time to solidify my identity...
Substance use is unfortunately not the end to problems, though weed has helped me be happy with who I am, don't use it to become a different person it will eventually just drive you insane. If you feel you want a break take a break, its nice to be sober sometimes.
...and what if my christian parents are right and all this weed has warped my brain and made me queer
Everyone has their right to believe what they want
, I like to daydream too (anyone else stop dreaming at night when smoking green every day?). But that is bullshit, with no evidence. It may stem from irrationality or some old medical studies which claimed marijuana lowered testosterone in the body which would make you feel less "macho" (which has since been proved wrong by scientists who have ethics, + do you really think Arnold Schwarzenegger would have blazed if it had a negative effect on muscle building).
If your parents don't understand, be happy in the knowledge they waste an hour of their life every sunday paying for their intolerance. But they have still brought you up with love and the best intentions (probably), they didn't start the religion they just grew up with it. It is a society that has been cultivated to make you feel bad for every simple pleasure. But it is the way of humanity to want to believe in something more can't blame them can you?
Dont get sucked into believing you are in the wrong here, if you are religious then God created you this way, and saying God made a mistake is surely blasphemy? If you are not religious, then take heart that many of the most successful civilisations, never even had homophobia, infact some such as the greeks, revered their homosexual warriors, fighting alongside your lover made you fight harder.
Sorry about the wall of text, and anti-christianity (I am against MOST religions equally, they tend to be the cause of the harm in the world, and if a group of people refuse to be tolerant of so many others Is it any surprise you are disliked?).
If you want someone to talk to please message me, i know it has helped me a lot to have people who understand whats going on in my life to talk to.
