Fathers: What did yours teach you? What's the most important thing to teach your kids?

Long Post Warning: (but hey it's sort of healing to write this down)

Father's Day on Sunday. I lost my dad last year. Long, painful illness. He's finally at peace now. We have the same birthday and are a lot alike.

We weren't that close but I watched him my whole life. I didn't always agree with his methods or parenting but I did learn. Some of the qualities he lacked were quite painful for me as a daughter. Some of his attributes were priceless. In fact, I grew to love and respect him in his illness more than his healthy time

Here's what he taught me:


-There is humor in absolutely everything. Look for it.

-DETERMINATION There is more than one way to solve a problem. If you can't open the door, find a window

-Extremely driven, strong work ethic

-Fight. (and man did he fight) I mean he beat all odds of lasting and thriving the debilitating effects of MS

-He had more charm than almost any man I've ever met. It smoothed a lot of rough edges and endeared him to many. He passed on to me the gift of being able to talk to anyone (and likely the "charm" gene as well so I've been told my many who know me.)

Time and wisdom helped me to recognize his shortcomings I learned:

-You must always spend time (not money) with your kids. Time is the most valuable commodity to a child

-Encourage your child. Don't fawn over every little thing, but make sure your child feels that they are capable, strong, and competent.

-(as a daughter) A father is the first man in a girl's life. Show her how women are to be treated my men. This will instill standards in her regarding the choosing of men as an adult.

-TALK to your kids.

Simple things, really, but so important. My father felt provision was love. It wasn't. I wanted his time and affection. Not his money. I forgive him for that. He came from an era where the man worked and provided a good life for his family, but sadly he was emotionally stunted. We could never connect on the level that was most important to me. This is why we had little more than superficial relationship.

This is my dad. perfect? far from it. Did he love me? I know he did in his own way. I accept his limitations and what he was able to offer me.


Now you. What did you learn from your Dad? Are you a dad yourself? What do you want to pass on to your child?

Things I learned from my dad:
How to fix things that are broke
Shoot a gun
Ride motorcycles
Fight
Grow cannabis
Roll a joint
Carpentry
I learned a lot from my dad, but I try real hard everyday to be a better father to my son than he was to me, not that he was that bad. I just think if every person that has kids trys to out parent their parents then our kids will be better, and better, and so on.

Didn't have the best relationship with my dad. I can remember being by his bedside the night he died and only crying because it hurt my mother. It was her pain that brought me to tears not losing my father. So I cant say I learned much of anything from him. He was very old school. A perfect provider for his family, never talked about feelings, never showed his pain and a happy drunk.
But people liked him. He was the life of the party. And I supposed I liked him a little but I am ashamed to say I didn't really love him. He has his favorite son and I wasn't it. And he had his little girl and then there was me, the middle child, the strange gay one. It was uncomfortable being around him. I never quite knew what to talk about. Didn't feel like we had anything in common except genes. But he treated my mom like a queen and for that I respect him and his memory. He beat his demons too, the alcoholism, he quit for my mom. So he's a stand up guy in my book.
Just wish I could've had a better relationship with him.

My dad sucks. He has improved since I left home and there is love there, but just not the relationship one would want with a dad.

Never had a father son relationship. he's never been abusive ,but just a selfish alcoholic. His outlook on life was, - I'll go to work, feed and cloth my kids, pay the mortgage, but fuck having a relationship with them, I wanna sit in the kitchen listen to music and drink beer. Used to pick me up from my Saturday job steaming drunk. how selfish can you get

dannyboy602 said:

He has his favorite son and I wasn't it. And he had his little girl and then there was me, the middle child, the strange gay one. It was uncomfortable being around him. I never quite knew what to talk about. Didn't feel like we had anything in common except genes. .

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This made me well up. I think I know how you feel. Don't feel an ounce of guilt for not "feeling the way you should". We can't pick our parents. HUGS

yeah my dad is not the best father. hopefully he learns from his mistakes with me and improves with my half brother

Hookabelly that was lovely to read and it seems you learnt much from him, my dad was an alcoholic and was very strict with me and my five brothers and sisters, I was restricted a lot and had many a beating but I loved him he was my dad. He taught me to work hard, and not to buy things that I couldn't pay cash for he would say if you can't pay cash leave it where it is, he also used to say you should always pay your rent, someone will always give you a meal but no one will pay your rent for you, I miss him and he's been gone a long time.

My Father taught me so much. I feel fortunate to have had such a worldly, successful influence in my life.

If it hadn't been for him I may not have moved abroad.

The most valuable lesson he taught me was that your wealth can't buy your health.

My dad's great he's funny. Really down to earth and he likes all the same sports teams I like! ain't that a fucken coincidence?

Corny sense of humor. Gotta have that as a father.

My father was also an excellent demonstration of emotional strength through vulnerability. He taught me that it's okay to feel emotions, and that it's important to express them. These were skills that proved to be of paramount importance in developing my ability to relate through compassion, especially with women. Not to mention how it has been a boon to me creatively. I will undoubtedly make the same sort of efforts with my own son.


On the other hand, my father also treated me like a child in some ways that I resented throughout my adolescence and into early adulthood. Many of the ideals he pressed were fear-based, inspired by Christian good intentions. He eventually had a breakdown (due to many factors) and started treating me like a friend after that, but the damage was done to some degree, and I am as a result hesitant to share with him on certain subjects or to ask about certain elements of his life.

None the less, my dad showed me love and proved to me that a man can be strong through vulnerability throughout my childhood. He is also a crazy old fucker now who smokes weed with me, but only "because it helps him eat" because he couldn't possibly admit to enjoying it in front of his son, for fear of acknowledgement of the inevitable addictive personality type that he absolutely passed down to me despite his efforts to hide parts of his past from me.

What did my dad teach me......not to piss him off be truthful and respectful and the biggest one was to love the outdoors...... I've mentioned this before my dad told me when I was about 15 or 16 he said and I quote" don't stick your penis In a meat grinder and that one piece of advice is one of the few of his bits of wisdom that I have followed.
My pop was a bit of a comic and I did get his sense of humor and he was a hothead as well and I am sad to say that acquired that as well ......never heard him say that he loved us......we really never had any discussions of substance that I recall.....when he was in his mid 50's he got sick and when he was 65 he died.
When he was on his death bed and still conscious I grabbed his hand and knelt down and told him that I loved him and kissed him on his for head.....he tried several times to speak but couldn't and as I pulled away I saw tears in his eyes. I'm sure he wanted to tell me he loved me but I never got the chance to hear him say it......he died later that night
One of things I learned was to make sure I always tell my kids and family my friends how much I love them.....my dad wasn't a great father and I know I that I've done things different than he did I hope my kids feel or believe me to be a good father but realistically you would need to talk to them not me .

My father passed when I was 3 years old.

The thing I tell my daughter is: never admit to anything, always ask for a lawyer

The best thing my father taught me was to be a man and take responsibility. . Thats all you need from your father well that and the love.

My dad was a illiterate alcoholic with bipolar disorder and suffered from depression his entire life. He wasn't around much for most of my childhood. His mother died early on and his father gave up the kids to be raised in a State institution. He knew very little about things like responsibility, love, morals, values, or compassion. After all, in the institutions back then, it was every man for himself. Thus, he was institutionalized mentally for his entire life, but did have 6 children by my mother, after running away from the institution at 17 years old.

My father did manage to teach me carpentry and some masonry. He also taught me to love the outdoors and nature, things he was deprived of for so long. He was a one man show and crazy as shit. We've smoked together and partied together on several occasions and I will always love and miss him. He, along with many others, was never dealt a winning hand and had way to much to overcome in life.

I, as a father, will always make sure that my son never has to endure the things that my father, or I, have gone through.
Rest In Peace, Dad. You waited a very long time for it.

My dad split before I was born.
I met him when I was
30ish??
He said "never do things halfway"

He taught me what it is like dealing with step dads that are just interested in fucking/beating your mom.

Made me a really attentive father and step father.
Even if I do fuck their mom.

When I was a kid I was getting picked on in the new neighborhood. I was taught to toss a tennis ball under hand and to catch it in front of my face over hand then retract my hand. On Friday my mother told me if the boy lays a hand on me hit him in the face just like I was catching the tennis ball and snatching it back. My dad taught me to go to work everyday and pay your bills.

i'm a boomer, so my dad was from an era where beating the wife and kids was common, and never mentioned. i actually learned what not to do, not what to do, from my father.

pops was a trip!! also could read for shit but he did know how to count.

probably not to kill myself. I don't know...when I was a teenager and still living with him I was dealing with pretty severe depression and even though I never wanted to hurt myself I think he freaked out about it. Pretty much just taught me that it never gets that bad, and that if I needed to I could tell him anything. Told me he would be on my side even if he knew I was dead wrong. Pops had some problems as I got older but he is back on the horse, a good man.

Be accountable for what I do.
and Respect.