^^^imo sharks are better killers than us...sharkweek, just sayin...
to OP,
the meaning of faith can be thought of as precisely the struggle you're going through with questions like "why did I have to suffer in this way?". Evenutally, we must either come to the recognition that experiences shape us and prepare us for further experiences. how we respond to such floods of experience is bound in a reflexive relationship to those experiences themselves (hence the possibility for cyclical experiental loops--e.g., experience a causes me fear, i take fear to experience b which shapes experience b for me, even as experience b adds to my total experience profile). Furthermore, life is non-linear despite what our waking minds tell us. You suppress more phenomenal stimuli than you consciously register so as to craft a coherent narrative of self. Hence, to return to faith, we can accept an understanding that, despite our own inability to put the pieces together now, all of our experiences are meaningful in that they contribute to what makes us who we are, or we can reject meaning altogether an assume that our individual experience is detatched, atomized, and random.
In the words of Bill Clinton, I feel your pain, but ultimately, the answer to your thread's question is a resounding "No, you can change". In fact, accommodating yourself to the understanding of existence as change itself would likely go far in helping you understand the process of change you seek. It isn't so much that you are stagnant now and need to figure out how to get going again, rather you seek a manner by which, a methodology, to direct that change in such a way as to become what you feel is less "scumbaggy." In honesty, one of the best ways to achieve this is to just throw yourself into helping someone else--even if you're struggling, reaching out in compassion and solidarity to another person suffering as much as yourself creates a bond capable of helping both parties grow.
Much love, peace and respect to you,
