I'll just throw my .02 in Man.
My story is pretty much the same as yours only I started my journey about 5 years ago.
I was the proverbial jaggov.
Hiding insecurities, and hurt behind rage, and violence.
I was either homicidal, or suicidal. The times inbetween were numb.
There was a time where I was standing on a bridge above a dam REALLY thinking about jumping in.
I knew that I was plenty high enough to go through the ice and once I did I would never come back up.
All I had to do was lean over.
This was like 2am in January.
The cops showed up, like 6 cars.
I looked at them, and they all had their guns drawn and pointed at me.
I SWEAR it was the sheer hilarity of that that kept me from jumping.
I'm going to kill myself, and you guys have guns pointed at me like I give a shit, LMAO!!!!!
I tried to be mad, but the irony made me laugh psychotically.
If it had been some pansy ass cop trying to talk me down I would have just went for it.
I didn't want to hear any of that shit.
Funny part, they let me walk home. Didn't even take me in. Ahh, cops.
Anyways, I hated the person I was. I was at rock bottom. Had nowhere to go but up or death.
They say when the fear of staying the same becomes bigger than the fear of change, change will occur.
Kind of the way it happened for me.
I think it comes with a total lifestyle change.
Stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks about you.
Pick up some old hobbies, or some new ones.
Exercise!!!
Invest in yourself.
Realize that people in general are stupid and there's nothing you can do to change that.
Take them as they are. Calling them on their bullshit is a waste of breath.
What did I learn in Anger Management Class on the REAL?
It damn sure wasn't "focus on your breathing, and count backwards from 10".
It was Star The Fuck Away From The Shit (or People) That Piss Me Off.
Cut all that shit out of my life.
First year was tough, but after that you (and other people) start to notice that some of the changes you've made are
Substantial AND Lasting.
People start to treat you different. (Some better, some worse) but in general you start to attract better people into your life.
Not the type of people you can show your grow room to, but people that will be a part of, and help create positive things in your life.
You'll drop some friends, and gain new ones.
The most important thing is Exercise.
Exercise is the valium that will get you through this change.
If you exercise (hardcore cardio) 30 minutes a day for 2 weeks you'll notice a change in your mentality without changing a thing.
Find an out for when you get depressed, or pissed off.
For me it was a road bike.
If I got pissed-road the bike.
If I couldn't sleep-road the bike.
If I felt depressed- road the bike.
If I got fuckin bohred- ROAD THE BIKE.
5 years later I'm no longer riding, I'm fat but I am proud of the person I've become.
I like myself.
I notice REALLY fast that if I don't continue to work out I get depressed, or agitated.
Find a spark in life, don't be jaded.
