Anyone know any jokes?

tytheguy111

tytheguy111

Well-Known Member
My dad was jogging on the jax beach one day after he got out of the air force

As he was jogging off a hangover he saw this girl maybe 19 in a wheelchair with no arms and legs

He felt bad so he went over and said "hey are you enjoying the weather??"
She said yeah and they began talking and she said "ive never been hugged by a man before " so he hugged her feeling bad and went on


next day he saw her and he talked to her and all and she said I never kissed a man before so he kissed her and went on his way

the next day he saw her again and he sent to talk to her for a while and she kinda blushed and she said " I never fucked a man before can I fuck you??" So my dad smiled an said.....


Yes and he threw her in the ocean and he yelled out "YOUR FUCKED NOW"
 
puffntuff

puffntuff

Well-Known Member
A kid and his dad are flying on a plane. The plane hits turbelence. The pilot comes on the speaker and says we've got to loose some weight or were gonna crash so all African Americans you gotta jump. Kid looks at his dad and they ain't moving. Pilot comes back on and says were still to heavy so all blacks gotta jump. Kid looks at dad there not moving. Pilot comes back on and says were still to heavy so all coloreds gotta jump. Kid asks his dad why there not jumping. Dad says today son were niggers.
 
Geronimo420

Geronimo420

Well-Known Member
Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.

"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" inquires Jenny.

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
 
WHATFG

WHATFG

Well-Known Member
Little Johnny is in line to see Santa. When he finally gets to the front on the line Santa asks Johnny what he wants for Christmas.

Santa (tapping Johnny's nose) says" would you like a C-A-R for Christmas?"
Little Johnny says no I don't want a car
Santa (tapping Johnny's nose) says" would you like a B-I-K-E for Christmas?"
Little Johnny says no I don't want a bike.

Finally Santa says "well Johnny what would you like for Christmas?
Little Johnny (tapping Santas nose) says "I want some C-U-N-T and don't tell me you haven't got any cause I can smell it on your fingers!"
 
Dislexicmidget2021

Dislexicmidget2021

Well-Known Member
Just bear with this one people.

ok say this guy named Fred gets pulled over by a cop and the officer asks for his name

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred w...hat?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,
so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
TripleMindedGee5150

TripleMindedGee5150

Well-Known Member
So a Chinese guy goes to the doctor complaining about the vision. Doctor gives him a look over and runs some test.

Few days later doctor calls the Chinese fellow and tells him to come to the office.

Day of the meeting doc tells Chinese guy "I am afraid you are having a cataract problem."

Chinese guy looks at him puzzled and says " No , no ,no, you musta be mistaking - I drive a Rincurn continentar(Lincoln continental) not a cataract (Cadillac) !!!

_______
 
Yessica...

Yessica...

Well-Known Member
TripleMindedGee5150 said:
So a Chinese guy goes to the doctor complaining about the vision. Doctor gives him a look over and runs some test.

Few days later doctor calls the Chinese fellow and tells him to come to the office.

Day of the meeting doc tells Chinese guy "I am afraid you are having a cataract problem."

Chinese guy looks at him puzzled and says " No , no ,no, you musta be mistaking - I drive a Rincurn continentar(Lincoln continental) not a cataract (Cadillac) !!!

_______
Click to expand...
Bahahahahaha

My dad has a joke that is best told in person, and with a HEAVY Chinese accent...But I'll give it a try because you inspired me!

A well-respected professor, Dr Chang, is speaking to his class.

"Herro crass...today re rill be doing an experrirmerint on glasshoppers"

He takes a grasshopper out of a box, and places it in his left hand.

"Now pray crose artenchon crass....I will now say GLASSHOPPER JRUMP"

The grasshopper jumps from his left hand to his right hand.

"Sree crass...now again I will sray GLASSHOPPER JUMP"

And the grasshopper jumps back from his right hand into his left hand.

"Now Crass, pray crose attention...I rill remorve the glasshopper's regs"

The Professor removes the grasshoppers legs and holds out the remaining body in his left hand.

"I wrill agren sray GLASSHOPER JRUMP"

(nothing happens)

"GLASSHOPPER JRUMP!!!!"

(again nothing happens)

"Sree crass, the morar of the storrry is...GLASSHOPPER without WREGS is DEAF!"

And scene!
 
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