Anyone know any jokes?
- Thread starter TCortese
- Start date
tytheguy111
Well-Known Member
Two cannibals are eating a clown
And one looks over at the other and says " does this taste funny to you?"
And one looks over at the other and says " does this taste funny to you?"
a senile fungus
Well-Known Member
A man walks into doctors office wearing no clothing and completely wrapped in cellophane.
He sits down and the doc walks in the says, " Clearly sir, I can see you're nuts."
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A termite walks into a bar, it asks "Is the bar tender here?"
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Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. (A salted)
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Little Johnny is walking down the street with some duct tape. Old man across the street yells, "boy what you doing with that tape?" Little johnny responds that he's gonna go get himself some ducks. Sure enough, an hour later he's walking back up the street with ducks stuck to a length of tape behind him...
The next day little Jonny makes his way up the street dragging some chicken wire. Old man says, "boy what you doing with that chicken wire?" The boy answers that he's gonna go get himself some chickens. The old man grumbles about it but sure enough the boy returned not one hour later with chickens all up in the wire and feathers all over the place. Old man says, "well I'll be..."
The next day little johnny comes strolling down the street. "What you got there, boy?" says the old man.
"I've got me some pussywillow" says the boy.
"Let me get my jacket" the old man replies.
He sits down and the doc walks in the says, " Clearly sir, I can see you're nuts."
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A termite walks into a bar, it asks "Is the bar tender here?"
-------------------------
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. (A salted)
------------------
Little Johnny is walking down the street with some duct tape. Old man across the street yells, "boy what you doing with that tape?" Little johnny responds that he's gonna go get himself some ducks. Sure enough, an hour later he's walking back up the street with ducks stuck to a length of tape behind him...
The next day little Jonny makes his way up the street dragging some chicken wire. Old man says, "boy what you doing with that chicken wire?" The boy answers that he's gonna go get himself some chickens. The old man grumbles about it but sure enough the boy returned not one hour later with chickens all up in the wire and feathers all over the place. Old man says, "well I'll be..."
The next day little johnny comes strolling down the street. "What you got there, boy?" says the old man.
"I've got me some pussywillow" says the boy.
"Let me get my jacket" the old man replies.
Yessica...
Well-Known Member
bahahahahahahaahaha - I'm gonna repeat the SHIT out of that one!
a senile fungus
Well-Known Member
I had one of my patients tell me that one...
He was a dirty old man, he and I got along splendidly
puffntuff
Well-Known Member
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a union worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
The chemist said his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the union worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The union worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paperwork, fucked the other dogs and claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
The chemist said his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the union worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The union worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paperwork, fucked the other dogs and claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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a senile fungus
Well-Known Member
A pirate walks into a bar and orders himself a drink.
He sits down and the bartender brings him his glass. Before the bartender turns away, he says, "sir, I don't mean to be rude, but why do you have a ship's wheel (steering wheel of a ship) attached to your penis?"
The pirate empties his glass in one shot, glares at the bartender with his one good eye (put your hand over one eye for effect), and says, "Aaarrrrrrrr, cause it drives me nutssss!"
He sits down and the bartender brings him his glass. Before the bartender turns away, he says, "sir, I don't mean to be rude, but why do you have a ship's wheel (steering wheel of a ship) attached to your penis?"
The pirate empties his glass in one shot, glares at the bartender with his one good eye (put your hand over one eye for effect), and says, "Aaarrrrrrrr, cause it drives me nutssss!"
puffntuff
Well-Known Member
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise, and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water; avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise, and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water; avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
Geronimo420
Well-Known Member
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Yessica...
Well-Known Member
Fuckin PRICELESS!
Yessica...
Well-Known Member
I'm sending this one to my parents...I think my dad will fall out of his chair....
TCortese
Well-Known Member
Haha! I was laughing my ass off at this for like 2 minutes straight.
TCortese
Well-Known Member
Haha! I love it!
TCortese
Well-Known Member
I was just gonna post this one.
a senile fungus
Well-Known Member
A likely story...
