Heres the thing buddy, and it took me 4 years of working my ass off for nothing to finally come to this conclusion... and going by the stuff you said; we are much alike. We have to learn the hard way, and for me; working my a** off was the key. One might say, oh dont be hard on yourself. But people like us.. that grew up in THAT kind of environment.. there is no happy sunny rainbow at the end of the road. It's easy to get lost in your head. And alot of times, we just need someone to pull us out of it. Start earning honest money (not implying you don't already), give yourself less time to think so you can get away from that negative mentality. You are on your way lil buddy, the first step is realizing and admitting that this is the case, the next step is grueling and miserable, however change is ALWAYS possible. If you live with or around people that keep the past in the present; it may be time to let them go.
I'm not 100% on your situation buddy, but im 100% i know what youre going through. Broken homes are never easy, and people like that do not see what kind of world they are establishing in their child(ren)s' mind. They created a world where you only knew anger and pain and helplessness. I remember that I was so clung on my mom after we ran that when she too would exhibit violence id just go on in my ignorance thinking this is normal. Normal isnt going to 3 highschools your freshmen year. Normal isnt moving across the east coast and not allowing your child to establish friends. Normal isnt calling your child names and claiming you resent them. We did not live a normal life, and theres something you gotta understand; its in YOUR hands now. It's hard, Ive spent 4 years now re-programming the way I think, the way I act, and the way I am. I have become a new man, and I have to say, cannabis is a medicine. and it helped me through all of this. Not the millions of pills the doc tried cramming down my throat. My father just contacted me after 15+ years.. As if mother***ker.
But heres the catch man... you and I... we are men. Humans. We adapt. We learn. Dont surround yourself with thugs and other scumbags and shit like that otherwise you're right back in that environment that programmed your train of thought the way it is now... or else you'll never get away from it. Educate yourself. The brain wasnt meant to just stop learning and get high all day and think about stressful things. You gotta find that middle mark where you are jut content. You know the problems are there and you are thinking of a way to solve them without fretting over the fact that they are not solved.
Anything is possible bud.
Happy growing.