F%ckers Need To Laugh !!!

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fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
A stoner walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
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| Cheese Sandwich .............. $1.50|
| Chicken Sandwich ............. $2.50|
| Hand Job .................... $10.00|
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Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men. "Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile, "May I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
 
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fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A. Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.
 
F

fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
Q. What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
 
NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
The three latest stupid technological discoveries:
1.) Solar powered flashlights.
2.) Inflatable dartboards.
3.) Helicopter ejection seats.
 
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fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
that was fun last night.
now that it's morning i don't regret 1 thing.
i love ya all. hope you got a chuckle.
 
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fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
 
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fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.

After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Blankets"

After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Food"

After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"

The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"
 
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fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
 
F

fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian


authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.





Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south


to avoid a collision.





Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north


to avoid a collision.





Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees


to the south to avoid a collision.





Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,


divert YOUR course.





Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.





Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second


largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We


are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers


and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change


your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's


one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be


undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.








Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
 
NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
 
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