thewizardofgalm
Active Member
Get ready for a somewhat lengthy post...may want to take a few hits, eat a brownie, grab a drink and sit back.
Here's my story - Born to a coal miner and a stay at home mom, my mom married my dad because she was trying to earn her mother's approval (my mother eventually felt she could make it work and learn to love my father).
My father was a detached and distant man, worked a lot because my mom spent a lot of the money out of unhappiness. We eventually move to Texas right after my sister was born, my dad went from $30,000 one year to $12,000 when we first got to Texas from Illinois.
My parents are both christians and I would consider myself one as well but my mother believes a few things and her theology is something that I'm trying to overcome. She believes that right before marrying my dad that she was supposed to move to Texas, following God's will for her life. Instead she married my dad to keep my grandmother happy and her life has been a wreck ever since, this part of the story is crucial to understand where I am today and why I seek your input.
Needless to say things were tough. There were days as a little kids that me and my sister didn't eat along with my parents because the money had been spent on rent, car payment, electric...
I remember my mom and dad getting into heavy fights, both knocking over furniture, throwing things at walls, screaming and I was always sensitive to fighting and violence, still am. It just unnerves me in a way that most people don't get - they see a fight they think "cool", I see a fight and I get a panic attack.
As the years went on dad made more and more money, mom eventually started working but she'd spend it on purses, jewelry and the like because of her unhappiness. My parents were basically roommates, not husband and wife and stayed together because God knows why.
My mom was always over-protective because of her mother (my grandmother), my grandmother would instill fear in my mom that my mom in turned passed onto me. I wasn't allowed to play outside, wasn't allowed to ride my bike around the neighborhood (kidnappers), wasn't allowed to go to friends houses (inconvenience to my mom, parents of friends were potential kidnappers), was forced to play sports even though i didn't want to (my mom was trying to appease my grandma and aunt) wasn't allowed to have anyone over (house was never clean enough, my friends weren't really my friends but potential thieves) and so on and so forth.
To this day my mother still has that fear in her that bad things will happen, and they have, but its to the point that I can recognize that it has held me back in my own life. I get uptight about stupid things, I always think worse case scenario in every situation...here are a few examples.
Example 1: I make minimum wage working 39 hours a week but there is a fear that if the bills don't get paid on time just once that I will be kicked onto the street and relegated to a life of homelessness.
Example 2: If I don't follow God's will for my life and decide to do my own thing, blaze my own path as it were, that I will miss out on God's best for my life and/or something awful will happen to me as a result of ignoring God's will.
Its these irrational fears that keep me "in check" to some degree and I hate who I am because of it. I am largely afraid of people and them viewing me negatively, I let that fear inform and guide the decisions I make. I am a people pleaser and I hate every moment of it.
I so very much admire people that are laid-back, don't give a rat's ass about anything, fun loving, sun soaking up individuals. I see marijuana as being the drug of care free and great people.
I want to be in that club. I want to be able to let go of the ridiculousness of my past, I want healing from psychological scarring, I want to soak up the sun worry free. I want to be a free spirit rather than an up-tight, worrisome people-pleaser.
I recently got into a bad bad auto accident. I had been working two other jobs to supplement my income from my main job, my main job's scheduling was so jacked that i was spending the night at work on friday because i worked so late and then had to turn around and be back on Saturday so early there was hardly time to sleep.
Oh the plight of the working poor. I was essentially working 60 to 70 hours a week for about $325 a week. And one night I blacked out behind the wheel and life caught up with me...
Ive been off two months and have had a lot of time to think about life and i want to make a break from where i've been psychologically and personality-wise. I believe marijuana is a tool that can be used to achieve this.
Here are my questions: Has anyone used mj to achieve personal breakthroughs within themselves? Has anyone become the person they've wanted to and if so how did they achieve it? Any other suggestions? Thanks for the responses.
Here's my story - Born to a coal miner and a stay at home mom, my mom married my dad because she was trying to earn her mother's approval (my mother eventually felt she could make it work and learn to love my father).
My father was a detached and distant man, worked a lot because my mom spent a lot of the money out of unhappiness. We eventually move to Texas right after my sister was born, my dad went from $30,000 one year to $12,000 when we first got to Texas from Illinois.
My parents are both christians and I would consider myself one as well but my mother believes a few things and her theology is something that I'm trying to overcome. She believes that right before marrying my dad that she was supposed to move to Texas, following God's will for her life. Instead she married my dad to keep my grandmother happy and her life has been a wreck ever since, this part of the story is crucial to understand where I am today and why I seek your input.
Needless to say things were tough. There were days as a little kids that me and my sister didn't eat along with my parents because the money had been spent on rent, car payment, electric...
I remember my mom and dad getting into heavy fights, both knocking over furniture, throwing things at walls, screaming and I was always sensitive to fighting and violence, still am. It just unnerves me in a way that most people don't get - they see a fight they think "cool", I see a fight and I get a panic attack.
As the years went on dad made more and more money, mom eventually started working but she'd spend it on purses, jewelry and the like because of her unhappiness. My parents were basically roommates, not husband and wife and stayed together because God knows why.
My mom was always over-protective because of her mother (my grandmother), my grandmother would instill fear in my mom that my mom in turned passed onto me. I wasn't allowed to play outside, wasn't allowed to ride my bike around the neighborhood (kidnappers), wasn't allowed to go to friends houses (inconvenience to my mom, parents of friends were potential kidnappers), was forced to play sports even though i didn't want to (my mom was trying to appease my grandma and aunt) wasn't allowed to have anyone over (house was never clean enough, my friends weren't really my friends but potential thieves) and so on and so forth.
To this day my mother still has that fear in her that bad things will happen, and they have, but its to the point that I can recognize that it has held me back in my own life. I get uptight about stupid things, I always think worse case scenario in every situation...here are a few examples.
Example 1: I make minimum wage working 39 hours a week but there is a fear that if the bills don't get paid on time just once that I will be kicked onto the street and relegated to a life of homelessness.
Example 2: If I don't follow God's will for my life and decide to do my own thing, blaze my own path as it were, that I will miss out on God's best for my life and/or something awful will happen to me as a result of ignoring God's will.
Its these irrational fears that keep me "in check" to some degree and I hate who I am because of it. I am largely afraid of people and them viewing me negatively, I let that fear inform and guide the decisions I make. I am a people pleaser and I hate every moment of it.
I so very much admire people that are laid-back, don't give a rat's ass about anything, fun loving, sun soaking up individuals. I see marijuana as being the drug of care free and great people.
I want to be in that club. I want to be able to let go of the ridiculousness of my past, I want healing from psychological scarring, I want to soak up the sun worry free. I want to be a free spirit rather than an up-tight, worrisome people-pleaser.
I recently got into a bad bad auto accident. I had been working two other jobs to supplement my income from my main job, my main job's scheduling was so jacked that i was spending the night at work on friday because i worked so late and then had to turn around and be back on Saturday so early there was hardly time to sleep.
Oh the plight of the working poor. I was essentially working 60 to 70 hours a week for about $325 a week. And one night I blacked out behind the wheel and life caught up with me...
Ive been off two months and have had a lot of time to think about life and i want to make a break from where i've been psychologically and personality-wise. I believe marijuana is a tool that can be used to achieve this.
Here are my questions: Has anyone used mj to achieve personal breakthroughs within themselves? Has anyone become the person they've wanted to and if so how did they achieve it? Any other suggestions? Thanks for the responses.
