I feel like im loosing a grip on myself, anyone been through this?

[Sr. Verde]

So in the most recent few months, I've had some weird shit brewing in my head, ill be driving down the street in a peaceful bliss when all the sudden things start to look different, and I start looking at things like I did when I was a kid, if that makes sense.

For example a street will resemble a scene significant to my childhood, like a road I used to ride my bike or hang out on, or a street my best friend lived on. Ill start thinking about that when I can shift my visions/emotions to the way I used to feel when I was a kid.

For me, I feel like in my life I've had many different mindsets: Like certain emotional responses to different stimuli, general idle thoughts in my head, and my own view of myself and where I was going in life.

I find that (more strongly under cannabis or other things) I keep changing to different emotional stages in my life all the time! Its really begining to trip me out.

Also things I know that I don't share a connection to, I feel an extreme connection to. Like let's say you've never been on a boat before, but when you look at a sailboat you experience an emotion that you can't explain, you feel like you know what it feels like to sail around the world and you feel like you have a profound understanding of the water... that's what I feel like when I see certain things or go to certain places...

I was diagnosed as bi-polar in my younger years and wonder if this has something to do with it. I often feel as if I am two different people, one side of me is this fun-loving thrill seeker who loves his friends and family and values others over himself, where the other is a reclusive, suicidal depressed person who in some twisted way enjoys hurting those around him (emotionally).

One night this kind of came as a relevation, I was thinking about life, and what it boils down to, and came to the conclusion that I have many times before: Life isn't worth it, there is no pain or happiness in death, and therefor no regret and I again contemplated suicide, I shared this knowlegde with one of the few people I'm close to in my life and made them hysterical as they knew I was serious and emotionally disturbed.

The next day I was on top of the world and couldn't wait to chill with my friends and get baked, all I wanted to do was live every day I could, and I was suddenly fearful of death, and how it could quickly remove my existance.

I'm still painfully young (old enough for these forums don't worry) and still in the early stages of life, and am hoping that someone has been through something like this before or can at least leave some thoughts in here...

Thanks for the read, if you read, I know it was long...

-Verde

 

[leeny]

hmmm I can't help really but I DO feel like you do--
Im still trying to figure it out and I think you just gave me a piece of the puzzle it's a weird one for sure--
but I also have hallucinations-
-is that part of it for you?
anyway +rep cus i need all the little pieces I can get--
good luk

 

[shrigpiece]

i get warped thoughts when i lie in bed at the end of the day.kinda like im a big failure. in the morning i feel pretty good about myself.

 

[Sr. Verde]

hmmm I can't help really but I DO feel like you do--
Im still trying to figure it out and I think you just gave me a piece of the puzzle it's a weird one for sure--
but I also have hallucinations-
-is that part of it for you?
anyway +rep cus i need all the little pieces I can get--
good luk

Yeah the hallucinations are a decnt part of it

What puzzle piece did I give you?

 

[Hemlock]

Use valium

 

[leeny]

Yeah the hallucinations are a decnt part of it

What puzzle piece did I give you?

WOAH! omg you hallucinate too! shit fuck, I thought I was bull goose loony up in here-- lol well if you were diagnosed bi-polar then maybe that is whats going on with you
(I've never considerd it to be whats wrong with me but it makes a lot of sense in my case) << ---- puzzle piece!

like if you stopped taking your meds or maybe your body got immune to them and built up a tolerence?

thinking-thinking......

 

[guitarabuser]

The diagnosis you got as a kid is likely exactly what is going on. If you are not seeing a doc for it, you should. Meds for bi-polar are not a fix-all, but they can help smooth out the bumps and jolts of a continually changing perception.

 

[Sr. Verde]

WOAH! omg you hallucinate too! shit fuck, I thought I was bull goose loony up in here-- lol well if you were diagnosed bi-polar then maybe that is whats going on with you
(I've never considerd it to be whats wrong with me but it makes a lot of sense in my case) << ---- puzzle piece!

like if you stopped taking your meds or maybe your body got immune to them and built up a tolerence?

thinking-thinking......

I only took meds for a little when I was a kid...

The diagnosis you got as a kid is likely exactly what is going on. If you are not seeing a doc for it, you should. Meds for bi-polar are not a fix-all, but they can help smooth out the bumps and jolts of a continually changing perception.

Yeah it makes sense but the hallucinations and going back in time in my head? What's that about?

 

[leeny]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallucination
also I know Bi-Polar disorder is often associated with manic depressives
-they often have very extreme hallucinations-- hell there are even books and movies about it
going back in time in your head? probably associated with your stress levels/ hallucinations--
wiki is great and so is google( just to find out info about all this)
but you'll need a psyciatrist to help fix it I imagine

 

[Dr.RR]

I was reading an article in the news the other day about how bi-polar disorder may be linked with schizophrenia. My ex-gf was bi-polar and didn't take medication because she said it made her feel weird and have horrible nightmares. I know there are numerous different ways to treat bi-polar disorder, not everything works right off the bat. I would suggest you visit a doctor if you haven't already and tell him exactly what you told us here & go from there. It can only help!

 

[Matt09784]

I think bi-polarism is a bunch of bullshit. Don't tell me you can't control when your happy or angry. Sounds alot like a cop out to me IMHO.

 

[Sr. Verde]

Yeah I really hate doctors. I feel as if their 'help' is what landed me in this spot anyway

I did feel like a skitzo when I started tripping out

Just messing around now I looked at the carpet and tried to manufacture something and the carpet started rippling

I think that I was getting these things I've been talking about somewhat infrequently, and then I tripped on some DPH and made it way worse
I get phantom feelings, like bugs crawling on me, biting me, stinging me, all this even when I'm sober.

I took 16 unisom sleep gels at once, so 800mg of dipenhydramine, and now every time I get sleep deprived (which is a LOT: I went 30hrs awake, 10 asleep, then 30hrs awake 10 sleep 4 sleep cycles straight) I get flashbacks of my trip. I remember I woke up on the floor, yet I felt like I was still asleep, I felt like I weighed 500lbs and gravity was 10x normal, so I looked around and was full on tripping again... I fell back down to the floor and managed to shut myself off again

Sorry I'm not really doing anything in this thread I just feel as if my situation should be out there for anyone else like me to find

 

[Sr. Verde]

I think bi-polarism is a bunch of bullshit. Don't tell me you can't control when your happy or angry. Sounds alot like a cop out to me IMHO.

Its not like that really.

Sometimes I feel like that typical bipolar, your mad for no reason, and feel like if you try to make yourself happy your cheating yourself of something or it makes you feel fake

I try to find the herb when I feel like that though it smooths me out



But my bi polarism, if it is that, feels more like split personalities, like two seperate people. Its terribly difficult to explain having two people in your head who want different things, who irratically decide to take control. Most hollywood features talk about voices in your head, but its not voices its a sense of purpose.

I actually broke up with my girl before I realized this, it was like a two week stint of this other personality. I went from wanting to marry her, to finding nothing emotionally attractive about her OVERNIGHT. I didn't want to hang out with her, I didn't want to kiss her, usually I'm glued to her, a week later I thought it was best to end it after more than a year together. When we broke up I only saw her pain and couldn't sympathize... then a week later it was like I snapped out of spacing out, but I had been spacing out for days. Suddenly I had a rush of emotions, I loved her just as much as I did in the weeks prior, I didn't understand where the lack of emotion came from, and I was just super depressed and wanted to kill myself for breaking her heart. She is the nicest person you'll meet, goes to school and helps the special ed kids, then goes to work and is with more kids at an after school type place, and she wants to work with 3rd graders for a career in teaching, you probably know her type.

But basically I don't feel things, then I do and question why I didn't before, and then don't again. Over and over every week, like a roller coaster of self doubt and self analysis.

I find dealing with it basically involves questioning all of my emotions that I feel, why I feel them, if I should feel them and if its healthy to feel them... that's how I sort things out

 

[xXF0RE20Xx]

I myself have at least one of these problems. Never been diagnosed by a doctor, but i have these issues as well, where i am just a completely happy person, to being the most shitty person you've ever not wanted to be around. Over silly little shit sometimes, stuff most people would shrug off, or at least handle it waaay lighter than i do. Almost wanna say its genetic, having several relatives with anger issues, none diagnosed for bipolar tho. Makes me wonder...

 

[ashtray]

So blow your brains out

 

[leeny]

ouuuuch^^
wow-- you- Sr.Verde sound like another me and if you wrote a column -I would read it ,, shit's interesting--
it's like my whole life of self analysis that I could never explain,
you just typed out simple as pie.....
damn

 

[xXF0RE20Xx]

So blow your brains out

How bout the next time you have a thought....let it go. Serious conversation...

 

[prebs]

So blow your brains out

Wow, thats fucked up, not even remotely funny. Get out of here and let the big kids talk



Yeah man, I KINDA know how you feel. Just random depression and loss of feeling. Maybe its not only slight bi-polar, maybe you do have a split personality. Maybe even a 6th sense to feeling things? haha

For your hallucinations though, did you do any hard drugs before? Like acid, coke, meth? Cause that can fuck with your brain big time and leave permanent damage.

 

[Sr. Verde]

Wow, thats fucked up, not even remotely funny. Get out of here and let the big kids talk



Yeah man, I KINDA know how you feel. Just random depression and loss of feeling. Maybe its not only slight bi-polar, maybe you do have a split personality. Maybe even a 6th sense to feeling things? haha

For your hallucinations though, did you do any hard drugs before? Like acid, coke, meth? Cause that can fuck with your brain big time and leave permanent damage.

Lol nah don't worry about the dude sayin shoot yourself, I would but that's some messy shit, too much to leave loved ones with. If I were to ever kill myself I would probably disappear as to leave an idea the possiblity of me still living, so friends and family wouldn't be so devistated



damn phone ignore what's below - but no no hard drugs, herb, mush, salvia, and that dph once



But nope no hard drugs

 

[RC7]

man listen here i feel the SAME shit as u on a daily basis but at times when the thought of death comes to me i dont actually want to die im not suicidal but my mind is fuked up like that too... but i am a completely normal person so people dont know unless i tell em.....well for me ive had a very fuked up childhood went thru hell everyday no exaggerations.... i think that could be a part of why im like that...anyway have u ever had any serious problems or bad times in life that could be the effect of this?