Rage

[Hobbes]

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Does anyone else live in a state of rage?

We talk of having a bad temper and getting mad but I read ... nothing of others who live in a constant state of rage.

The amount of self control it takes to get through the day is exhausting. I spend most of my time alone with my dogs.

Last year I almost strangled a client to unconsciousness because he was being agressive with an elder partner and his body stance changed to a natural attack position, I was around the desk, did a duck under and had him in a rear naked choke in about 2 seconds.

Today a random idiot wanted things his way regardless of the realities of law and how many different ways the issue was explained to him, and he decided to take the aggressive root. I had no tincture with me so I popped 2 clonozapam before the guy got there, planned on staying behind my desk, seated, with my hand on my seat rests, it's about all that saved me. I did get up when he came in though, then caught myself and sat down.

It's exhausting, after I have a couple of Volcano bags I come down and I'm a different person - but it's so tiring. One of the things I treasure about marijuana - peace.

I've got to make some canna-corn syrup candy to keep me level all day.

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How do you do it? How do you get through the day without ailienating or terrifying everyone around you?

How do you find peace?

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[Anjinsan]

I'm not quite that angry.

 

[Hobbes]

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Nice.

I did assume we were in the Medical Marijuana sub forum so we could talk about medical issues that relate to marijuana, do we only talk marijuana politics and how to get a medical marijuana license here?

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[GreatwhiteNorth]

I've got an very close friend that has, what I would describe as a Capital A personality. Loves (or needs?) to confront situations/people - - wears it like a badge. Its almost embarrassing at times to watch him converse with customers. I know he and I relate to each other because he's seeking more balance, more peace in his life, and I'm pretty sure if he pays attention he can temper his personality. But Damn, this is taking longer than I thought.
Not that I'm perfect, far from it - but when I left a previous life I decided to leave the stress with the DD214 & it has worked.
My best advise for you my friend is to take a deep breath & concentrate on things that are really important . . . & most of the shit we deal with ain't.
GWN

 

[Katatawnic]

Does anyone else live in a state of rage?

We talk of having a bad temper and getting mad but I read ... nothing of others who live in a constant state of rage.

The amount of self control it takes to get through the day is exhausting. I spend most of my time alone with my dogs.

I had no tincture with me so I popped 2 clonozapam

It's exhausting, after I have a couple of Volcano bags I come down and I'm a different person - but it's so tiring. One of the things I treasure about marijuana - peace.

How do you do it? How do you get through the day without ailienating or terrifying everyone around you?

How do you find peace?

Living with both bipolar and borderline, I can wholeheartedly relate to constant rage. The only other emotions I really feel are despair during severe depression, absolute numbness, and the rare brief moment of happiness. (I don't get euphoric manias; they're hyper-irritable at best, but nearly always filled with sheer rage.)

MMJ is my life saver; I only have real smiles or laughter after I've had my doses. I also take clonazepam during my manic phases to help keep me a bit calmer, as its half-life is much longer than pot as well as all other benzodiazepines.

My dogs are indeed my best friends. (They're snuggled up to me as I type this. lol) They not only don't get offended by my moods, but they nearly always seem to know when I need their company and when I need space... unlike most people.

Although I've learned throughout the years to exert a great amount of control over my actions (i.e., acting instead of reacting) much of the time, I have to admit that the most peace I've found came when my physical chronic illness finally rendered me disabled and housebound... an extremely lonely existence, yet admittedly the closest to peace I've ever been.

I do get along quite well with my husband (no more than ten "true" fights/arguments between us in the last fifteen years, almost seven of which we've lived together)... but then again, he's always working crazy overtime; we're lucky if we're able to have a full hour of TV together two or three nights a week. I'm sure that helps us get along. Really though, as much as I get to missing him constantly, once we finally get the opportunity to spend a little real time together, I start getting horribly irritated at him just breathing... I mean, it's so repititious! However, he's extremely understanding of my condition and rarely says or does things that trigger (provoke) me. I'm not saying he's my doormat though; far from it! He just gets me, he sees my positive aspects more than my downfalls. I may never know how or why, but I'll be forever grateful for that man.

Meanwhile, I teeter on this very thin line between choosing my battles wisely and holding in so much that it festers and grows. Most people have always seen me as this bubbly, smiley, social butterfly with the occasional flare of temper... but that's simply a front that I've been quite good at since childhood. I figured out early on that it's not "normal" to be so pissed off all the time... you know you've got a bit of a rage problem when you "pick fights" with your imaginary friend and give him detailed threats of what you can and will do to him. Oh, the colorful things I said to him!

 

[SOorganic]

: Really though, as much as I get to missing him constantly, once we finally get the opportunity to spend a little real time together, I start getting horribly irritated at him just breathing... I mean, it's so repititious! However, he's extremely understanding of my condition and rarely says or does things that trigger (provoke) me. I'm not saying he's my doormat though; far from it!

My mom is bi polar and a manic depressive; you sound JUST like her. Some times the smallest things will cause her to have a serious shit fit; im talking bringing up stuff that happened 3 or 4 years ago and has no relevance to ANY THING. And the fucked up part is, half an hour later she's all happy and cheerful like nothing happened...It can really fuck with your head

 

[Katatawnic]

My mom is bi polar and a manic depressive; you sound JUST like her. Some times the smallest things will cause her to have a serious shit fit; im talking bringing up stuff that happened 3 or 4 years ago and has no relevance to ANY THING. And the fucked up part is, half an hour later she's all happy and cheerful like nothing happened...It can really fuck with your head

Bipolar disorder and manic-depressive illness are one and the same... they renamed it "bipolar" about 20 years ago. And yes, that sounds quite typical for bipolar! The difference with me is that I usually don't get the relief of "happy and cheerful" afterward. I just go back to numb, or at the least covering the rage back up again. (That's largely attributed to the comorbid borderline.)

My hubby, my son, and two friends learned a long time ago that I am a "venter" as I call it: if I don't vent (i.e., bitch, lol) and get out what's eating at me, the little things quickly become huge, and that's when I'm guaranteed to be a walking time bomb. Five minutes after a good yet usually brief venting session, people are wondering if I'm OK, and I've already moved on. (So long as I've truly vented, anyhow. It doesn't always work, but more often than not it can really help prevent me from escalating from feeling the rage to going into a full out rage.)

However, I still have to be very careful with this... if I vent too much or too often, then it becomes such a habit that I'm just bitching all the time over absolutely nothing. So I have to constantly watch myself, doing "mood checks" to make sure that I'm releasing what I can without just plain bitching with no method to the madness.

What really does piss me off to no end, though, is that people have this habit of not taking people like me seriously when there are real issues that are getting under the skin. Issues that aren't "just" rage-related, but real-life calamities. It's so easy to just chalk up Kat's "mood" to the bipolar and/or borderline, never stopping to think that just maybe I'm genuinely upset about a genuine issue. And of course that means they're not paying attention to the fact that something real is being discussed, rather than venting some frustrations for a few moments. It's as though once you've got a "condition" that is recognized, suddenly your emotions aren't valid anymore... "Oh, it's just the bipolar." Bullshit! Going off for no reason is most likely the bipolar; getting pissed off because (oh, I don't know, insert something extremely hurtful and/or angering that's been done to you) _____ is valid and deserves just as much rage as the "normal" person would give it.

I think this would have a lot to do with bringing up things that happened even years ago. Combine an already unstable condition with past hurts (big or small, doesn't matter) that never had any sort of closure, and you're going to see someone that just can't quite let go of it. At least, that's what I've found to be true with myself. I've had tremendous past incidents that don't faze me in the least now, and others that weren't really all that bad yet they can still send me into rages... with the former I had closure, the latter I never did.

When you don't feel heard and understood, you don't feel safe. This applies to "normal" people, but of course will be exacerbated by mood disorders and/or mental illness, etc. Being understood doesn't necessarily mean you're right; it just means that you're understood. And that means that someone listened to you when you needed it. Maybe not agreed, but still listened; without judgment.

That right there is one of the biggest ways in which my hubby shows me that he gets me... he listens to me without judgment (explicit or implied), and he understands me most of the time. He knows that understanding me doesn't have to mean that he's in agreement with me. He just listens, pays attention to what I'm going through so that he can know whether it's "just me" or if it's something that indeed needs addressing, and lets the venting basically just roll off his back. (Mind you, I'm talking about venting TO him, not venting AT him; there's a huge difference between the two!) Because I feel listened to and understood, I feel safe with him. As a matter of fact, I can safely say that nearly all (if not all) of the few fights we've had, wouldn't have happened if I'd felt listened to and understood and safe. I'm not saying that means he was to "blame" for the fights (it does take two), but I can say that I don't go off on others (especially him) when I'm feeling safe and secure.

I hope my rambling is making sense. LOL

 

[Hobbes]

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I've been sick (pardon the pun) of throwing up through the day, the headaches, the mind knumbing fatigue so I did something stupid and got 6 hours sleep each of the last 3 nights. I've been in a rage the entire day, I've popped 11 clonozepam in addition to my regular meds to knock myself out a bit. Screaming at 2 partners until I felt they understand simple issues, telling a client how much of my time he wasted by fucking up some of the work he shouldn't have done himself, basically scaring the piss out of everyone around me when I didn't want to.

Why do I still have a job? It's my business (parnership); I'm very good at what I do; I have clients around the world for who I make lots of money (lots of LEO, very legal business); I have a 2% increasing client base every year despite strangling the odd client.

I'm not down completely yet but I'm at the level that I can understand what the consequences of my actions could have been.

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[Hobbes]

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Funny story while in a rage today - I penned an email to the legal department of one of our national banks for fees I feel that I'm owed, for an account I had to fix because of their incompetence. It's a problem that's been festering since 2004 and has cost my client over $50K - and I knew it was the bank's fault but they're too lazy and not quite smart enough*** to figure out the problem. I spent hundreds of hours tracking back the problem, pinned it on them and now I'm going to sue the cocksuckers just for the fun of it. I could have been more reasonable in my email but I really don't give a fuck, I just want to upset some cocksuckecker who has an office less than 4 hours from me. You have no idea how much I despise these fags - lazy and stupid.

***We rate bank employees as the third largest group of simpletons - as a group (could be a smart one here and there.). I had a fucking bank manager calling me and asking me how to do simple shit, I email him pages from their own websites. Incredibly lazy and closed minded, are trained not to look outside the box.

For a bank employee you want slow and steady, honest - and not too smart.

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[Hobbes]

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I've been in a particularly entrenched rage for most of last week, I had an important family event to attend Saturday night but I know myself - I would have ruined the event if on only my regular medication and missing the event would have hurt some people's feelings (they can't comprehend mental desease). Once in a lifetime kind of thing.

So I checked into my legal prescription drug box I keep locked in my attic - I had 5 each of Oxycotin and Percocet from when I had both of my elbows taken apart and put back together so I could hit people harder. Sounds funny but I am serious.

The event was at 6pm, I had been taking Clonozepam (0.5mg) since waking and every hour, I was up to 8 by that time but they were having zero effect. 1/2 an oxycotin, nothing, the other half, 15 minutes later a full one, by 5pm I've gone through the 5 and 2 percocet. Still not coming down from the rage so I break open my benzodiazepam that the doctors give away like glasses of water (4th most dangerous drug-BSSC) and start taking 4 clonozopem (2.0mg) every half hour.

All told, in 4 hours, 5 Oxycotin, 3 percocet and 17 Clonozopam - all three drugs were my prescriptions but were probably not meant to be taken that way. I got through the night, eyes shutting by times, then wide awake after wards but no rage.

I was sick as a dog yesterday (not as bad as I expected) and the overload seems to have crashed my system for the time being. It's so peaceful I feel like crying, rage is so exhausting. Hyper vigilance.

When I am in the depth of depression I often want to just change the pain for a little while, I've though about getting a nail with a palm size head and nail one hand to a post, see If I can pull it out. From the pain and exhaustion the warping of the mind isn't noticable from the inside. Luckily the crash and subsequent 3-4 hour a night sleep regiment I keep for this has brought me back to your reality, more or less.

So, that's how some of us get through their days. Boxing use to help because I'm no good at it and I'd get beat into semi consciousness every day, but after my elbows got better and I could hit harder the bone growth in my hands kept them from closing properly and my hands would swell if I were fast enough to hit my sparring partner on the gloves.

I find that sometimes it's best to adopt a peasant mentality - do the next thing, without thought or emotion - and not to think about what is coming or what's been lost.

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[vh13]

I feel ya both Hobbes and Katatawnic. I seem to have gotten a handle on the mania and depression, but the rage still troubles me.

Katatawnic, your thoughts on being heard and understood ring true to me. The way you feel about your husband put a tear in my eye. My woman and I have been living together for nearly two years, and this is exactly the kind of relationship we both need and strive for.

Hobbes, I'm a business owner myself. I know how hard it can be to deal with people you must serve for a living. In part because of this, just this year I decided to make a very big change in the way I do my business.

Since starting my business I've attempted to get as many clients as I could manage, thinking more clients means more money. However, after looking at the numbers (taxes) most of my income yet again came from only 4 clients. They are among the first clients I took on, and as their businesses have grown so has my income (my job increases profits, so it was easy for me to negotiate for commissions years back).

This year I've decided to no longer cater to the 150+ other clients. I still collect checks from some of them, most of the work has already been done, but I have no aspirations of looking for more business from them. In these few months, it has made all the difference already.

Those 4 clients rarely waste my time, and communicate clearly and respectfully. They have proven themselves motivated, independent and capable of success. There is no setup required, we have already defined our working relationship so all that is left is to do the work. There are no renegotiations necessary, we already operate based on agreed terms that have proven to be fair for all involved.

The stress of first impressions, miscommunication, and protecting my interests from business owners who are not so much clients as thugs and thieves (failing business owners who expect other businesses to fail to keep theirs alive, one day at a time, really piss me off) has all but been eliminated.

In fact, my self-esteem and inner peace has actually been strengthened, as I've focused on making myself more valuable to the few clients I actually care about. This gives me even more motivation to perform, as our relationship becomes more personalized, built on mutual understanding and success rather then saving/profiting immediately.

It's about doing less work so I can perform more, respectful assertiveness rather then aggressive negotiation, to make sure both parties can focus all of their attention on performing the work not redefining it over and again.

 

[tinyTURTLE]

try prozac

 

[vh13]

try prozac

No thanks, I already tried that, made it worse BY FAR actually. SSRI usually fuck up bipolars.

This isn't garden variety bad attitude, it's more like a seizure or a convulsion, an involuntary muscle spasm, like when the doctor checks your reflexes by hitting your knee, but in the emotive brain. A reflex that gets stronger every time the muscles flex.

 

[1gamma45]

I understand 100% what you are dealing with. I have found that this is not really an issue with myself as much as it is an issue with how detached from people our nation and seeming world has become.

There is no fear in people anymore. They have become trained it would seem almost by technolgy that they can say and do whatevr they want to who every they want and when they push to far and keep pushing they can simply ignore turn off or hang up on the person and escape without any issues. They then carry this same sytle of dealing with people into real life, face to face and think they can again simply turn this person off like a Computer and they will go away. And when they keep pushing and push more we the ones being pushed put reality in thier face and we are the bad people.

I am not saying this works for everyone but I have found going and getting my pistol premit as well as my licence to carry a firearm as my state has a no concil law in that it is worn open and visably and I have no more rage. The big balled super heros that dont wana follow the rule and dance around with the I am better and more importaint then anyone else state of mind get to enjoy a nice warm glass of STFU when they start spewing thier shit and I approch them with an extended hand a warm smile and "how may I help you today" all while having a nice shinny glock 9mm at my hip with crimson trace grip laser sight has an insane impact on how these people go about conducting themselves for the rest of thier time in my shop. I am not saying that guns or shootting people is the way to go and infact aside from target shootting I have never once had to or wanted to pull this weapon out while wearing it.

It to me is showing a sad state of depersonalization that you need something a profound as 9mm pistol on your hip to get people to act like civil humans.

 

[Apostrophe]

I sleep all day, and stay up all night when there's no one around to piss me off...

 

[estesj]

.

Does anyone else live in a state of rage?

We talk of having a bad temper and getting mad but I read ... nothing of others who live in a constant state of rage.

The amount of self control it takes to get through the day is exhausting. I spend most of my time alone with my dogs.

Last year I almost strangled a client to unconsciousness because he was being agressive with an elder partner and his body stance changed to a natural attack position, I was around the desk, did a duck under and had him in a rear naked choke in about 2 seconds.

Today a random idiot wanted things his way regardless of the realities of law and how many different ways the issue was explained to him, and he decided to take the aggressive root. I had no tincture with me so I popped 2 clonozapam before the guy got there, planned on staying behind my desk, seated, with my hand on my seat rests, it's about all that saved me. I did get up when he came in though, then caught myself and sat down.

It's exhausting, after I have a couple of Volcano bags I come down and I'm a different person - but it's so tiring. One of the things I treasure about marijuana - peace.

I've got to make some canna-corn syrup candy to keep me level all day.

.

How do you do it? How do you get through the day without ailienating or terrifying everyone around you?

How do you find peace?

.

Yes I an a very angry person. It has landed me in jail and prison 17 times for a total of 6 years. Not all my crimes were violent but allot were. I find weed and xanax keep me cool. I stay away from vodka unless supervised by my wife as well. I love spending time with my dogs as well. I still get very bad road rage almost every day.

 

[ss your outta here]

the world makes me in a state of rage

 

[tinyTURTLE]

the world makes me in a state of rage

what does that even mean?

 

[vh13]

Found a nice description of the kindling theory here:

Does bipolar disorder get worse over time? (the "kindling theory")

I found lots of other good nuggets in here too. The section on light/dark therapy was of particular interest to me.

I find the most effective way for me to deal with rage (this only works when I first recognize) is to do as abrupt and intense a moment of meditation I can; to use pure mental muscle to crush the psychic inferno in the third eye into diamond hardened thought.

Unfortunately, there is a synergistic reaction between rage and mania for me, when one is induced the other isn't far off. Yet even though I've studied deep meditation for over half my life, it is a muscle stronger then every other in my body, it is still impossible for me to attempt when I'm manic.

Interestingly enough, I replaced all the cool white CFL's throughout the house with warm white bulbs (used to be a 50/50 mix), adjusted my monitor to a strong red shift, and I feel a bit of a difference. I'm sleeping better, and that helps a lot.

 

[aknight3]

hobbes i also have trouble dealing with everyday activities involving moronic people....honestly if it wasnt for opiates i probably would have killed somebody. it just sucks because then you become dependent on opis, get depressed when youdont have them and become even more angry, its a vicious cycle to no avail...maybe i need a therapist