Good joke? Bad joke? Tell em.

[GODFREY1]

Ok. So there's two dogs kickin it at the vet discussing why they're there. When this huge ass. I mean HUGE ass dog comes strollin in. HE approaches the other two and says whats up. The first dog was just starting to tell his story.

Well,the other day my owner locked me in the house all day and I had an accident in th house. So he kicked the shit outta me. The next day I said fuck em. Took a shit in his favorite shoes. And now he's havin me put to sleep.

Sad growns and explicitives from the other two. The next dog says.

Wow. Same thing happened to me. Exept I didn't fuck up his shoes. I chewed the shit outta his favorite chair. And now he's havin me put to sleep.

That sucks say the other two. The third dog,the new huge one says.

Well,my owner is female. And she's Fine as fuck. Well the other day when she got outta the shower she dropped her towel. When she bent over to get it,I couldn't help it. I mounted her.

Oh shit! Said the other two. She havin you put to sleep?

Naw. I'm just here to get my nails clipped!
Peace

 

[spleefed]

There was a couple of cowboys out riding fences one summer, one was from Montana and the other was from California. So after about 5 weeks on the trail they came across this little sheep with its head caught in the fence and couldn't get out.

The Montana cowboy feeling pretty horny for past couple of weeks couldn't pass up this fine looking piece of ass and hops down off his horse and gets in position behind that little sheep and gives the poor thing a good ol' Carol County horse fucking.

As he's finishing up he looks up at the California cowboy and asks him if he wants in on some of this.

The California cowboy says" I sure do,... but do I have to stick my head in the fence?"

 

[GODFREY1]

Lol. We do have a lot of em.

 

[JN811]

Ok. So there's two dogs kickin it at the vet discussing why they're there. When this huge ass. I mean HUGE ass dog comes strollin in. HE approaches the other two and says whats up. The first dog was just starting to tell his story.

Well,the other day my owner locked me in the house all day and I had an accident in th house. So he kicked the shit outta me. The next day I said fuck em. Took a shit in his favorite shoes. And now he's havin me put to sleep.

Sad growns and explicitives from the other two. The next dog says.

Wow. Same thing happened to me. Exept I didn't fuck up his shoes. I chewed the shit outta his favorite chair. And now he's havin me put to sleep.

That sucks say the other two. The third dog,the new huge one says.

Well,my owner is female. And she's Fine as fuck. Well the other day when she got outta the shower she dropped her towel. When she bent over to get it,I couldn't help it. I mounted her.

Oh shit! Said the other two. She havin you put to sleep?

Naw. I'm just here to get my nails clipped!
Peace

hahaha good shit wish i had a good one to add..

 

[golddog]

Chicken Farmer @ Tax Time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll
need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"

"Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[GODFREY1]

That's funny as hell.

There's this guy. A true loser. I mean LOSER. This guy saves for a whole week,goes into the whorehouse and asks the madam what he can get for five bucks. She tells him got to the end of the hall and take the last door on the right. There's a rabbit in there. If you can catch it you can fuck it. And so he does. Does that for about three weeks.

Than he saves for 2 weeks. Goes in and says. What can I get for ten bucks. With a big grin on his face. She tells em go to the end of the hall. Go through the last door in front of you. There's a couple in there. You can watch em fuck.

So he goes in the room and there's this crazy bastard sittin in the front row with popcorn and a soda. He sits next to him over a couple seats. When the curtain lifts the loser is stoked. He tells the guy with the popcorn. Hey,this is great. The man replies. Yeah. This is pretty cool. But a couple weeks ago they had a guy in there chasin around a rabbit and fuckin it!

 

[GODFREY1]

An elderly couple is sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs when suddenly the woman kicks the man in his shin. And he says. What was that for? She replies. Forty years of bad sex. He sits there thinkin for a minute than hits her with his cane. She says what the hell? To which he replies. Thats for knowin the difference!

 

[dukeofbaja]

A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "I can't serve you". Mushroom says "Why not, I'm a fungi"

FAIL

 

[GODFREY1]

A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "I can't serve you". Mushroom says "Why not, I'm a fungi"

FAIL

Either I'm to stoned or that was funny as fuck.

 

[BcKuSh99]

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

 

[KidCreole]

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis

 

[Rusty Crutch]

My mum died yesterday and I have to say a few words at her funeral next week. They say when public speaking its always a good idea to start with a bit of humor to get people on your side.
Does anybody have any jokes on brain hemorrhages?

I just broke up with this cross-eyed chick.
I thought she was seeing someone else.

The police force.
They don't give a shit if your car gets stolen but can spot a bald tyre from half a mile away.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday - the bastard stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt fucking brilliant.

I just started a fight in the pub with four massive skinheads.
I hope my mates won.

I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.
Which means my dealer's got some explaining to do.

My poor son tripped at school today and ended up in hospital.
Social Services are demanding to know why I sold him acid.

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken."
"Yes," says Harry, "that's inflation for you."
"It's nothing to do with inflation," says grandma, "it's all them fucking cctv cameras they have nowadays."

 

[Rusty Crutch]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. I hate McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a
McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McSlut.

14. When your involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off

15. A day without sunshine is like night.

16. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

17. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

18. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

19. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

20. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

21. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

22. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

23. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

24. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

25. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

26. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

27. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

28. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

29. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

30. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

31. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the fuck happened?'

32. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

33. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

34. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

35. Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience

36. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way

37. Experience is the hardest teacher ever, she gives the test first then the lesson afterwards

 

[GODFREY1]

Your a funny motherfucker.

 

[streetlegal]

Your a funny motherfucker.

wot do u call all the loose skin around a womans vagina?

The woman

 

[Dr. Greenhorn]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. I hate McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a
McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McSlut.

14. When your involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off

15. A day without sunshine is like night.

16. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

17. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

18. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

19. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

20. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

21. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

22. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

23. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

24. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

25. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

26. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

27. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

28. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

29. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

30. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

31. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the fuck happened?'

32. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

33. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

34. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

35. Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience

36. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way

37. Experience is the hardest teacher ever, she gives the test first then the lesson afterwards

this was some funny shit dude! LOL

 

[GODFREY1]

Got my new shit! Check it out.
https://www.rollitup.org/grow-journals/312273-fun-grow-hindu-kush-7.html#post3977455

 

[Benassi]

Black guy, a mexican, and a jew walk into a bar, have a seat and ask for drinks... bartender says "get the fuck out".

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?..... Father's Day.

When does a car feel like a frog? When it's being towed... HAR HAR HAR

 

[Benassi]

Hey did you know that when Hellen Keller was a little girl her parents put a HUGE playground in their backyard for her?.... neither did she.

How do you keep Hellen Keller from telling a secret?... break her fingers and hands.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?.... because she's a woman.

Why can't Hellen Keller have kids?.... because she's dead.

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?..... because he's black.

What's white and fourteen inches long?...... Absolutely nothing!

 

[GODFREY1]

Why was Hellen Kellers leg yellow? Her dog was blind too.
Why was Hellen Kellers Left ear burnt? She answered the iron.
Why was Hellen Kellers right ear burnt? It called back.
How do you mess with Hellen Keller?
1. Put doorknobs on the wall.
2. Leave the plunger in the toilet.
3. Re arrange the furniture
4. Install a pool in the backyard.