Shit my Dad Says.

[Balzac89]

No not that show.

Things your old man said or did to you. Fucked up shit, funny shit whatever.

Might be a sore subject for some people.

My dad told me how to make fake crack when i was like 13. He said in case I ever needed to make extra money. Involved an iron skillet, baking soda, ice and some other shit. lol

Also gave me a roll of quarters on 19th Birthday? Hes like have a good time.I'm like okay?

It's a rarity these days growing up with a real dad.

 

[Gafoogle]

well, my dad is pretty real, I'm lucky. but last year he got my mom a miniature dachshund for christmas, largely because now he can make wiener jokes whenever he wants. his favorite (that he retells at family get togethers), is when he lies next to my mom in bed and the dog sleeps with them, he'll say to her, "do you want to stroke my wiener?"

 

[Perfextionist420]

If your not first your last! lol

 

[DSB65]

I remember in my teenage years when my dad found out i was smoking weed...your smoking that shit..he always referred to weed as that shit...

 

[kevin]

my fave was "it will feel better when it quits hurting." another good one i heard a few times was "i ought to knock your dumbass out." he never did but he made a believer out of me. after i grew up we became more like best friends, so now that he's dead and and gone, the one i miss the most is "i love you" i know it kind of sounds sappy but i miss the old fuck. listen to your dads, they get smarter as you get older.

 

[That Canadian]

My favourite memories are probably of when my dad and I would flip people off together because I would drive too slow as learning to drive lol.

Best quotes were "Oh I don't think you fully understand" and then you wait for him to verbally smash someone such as a school principle or teacher lol he is a mean fucker

 

[Karmapuff]

I never met my dad, Only 3 step dads which I remember more or less... My mother wasn't quite stable my whole life. The step dad I knew for 6 years abused me which my mother did nothing about. I was home schooled half my life and met my Gf online when I turned 18. We dated online for 6 months until I bought a ticket to Canada to see her.I am currently 19 and now live in Canada with her... which is depressing because I live with her up tight parents who absolutely hate me from the start.

We bought a hookah and they tried to sit there and tell us we are drug addicts even though they didn't have proof... Then they found my vapor genie and she told me to stop smoking crack because she thought it was a crack pipe then her dad ended up punching me across the left side of my face because i tried to defend myself and her.

 

[Benassi]

When I was 13 I walked into the kitchen to see my Dad wielding a meat hammer. First thing out of his mouth was "YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT" as he repeatedly bashed the everliving shit out of the microwave. Every back swing he took with the hammer, came another obscenity that he yelled.

Apparently the button to open the door was stuck hahahahahahahaha
I honestly pissed myself that day from laughing so hard. A solid 4 drops of piss, and I was on the floor holding myself the entire time

 

[N0iZ]

Grand-dad: "No shit Sherlock."
Dad: "Keep diging Watson."
Frist time I herd my dad say that, I was like 9 and on the floor rolling

He was also the kind of dad who if you lost something he'll be the one to say, "Well, it'll be in the last place you look, cause you wounldn't need to look anymore."
My dad is such an old corky dude. I love

 

[bongtokinjuggalo]

When I was 13 I walked into the kitchen to see my Dad wielding a meat hammer. First thing out of his mouth was "YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT" as he repeatedly bashed the everliving shit out of the microwave. Every back swing he took with the hammer, came another obscenity that he yelled.

Apparently the button to open the door was stuck hahahahahahahaha
I honestly pissed myself that day from laughing so hard. A solid 4 drops of piss, and I was on the floor holding myself the entire time

the thought of that is fucking hilarious, can't imagine seeing it firsthand


my dad has many words of wisdom. when it came to women "you can be right, or you can be happy"

"If you make a million $ a year at a job you hate, you will spend $1.5 mil trying to make yourself happy"

"the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step"

a good one is when someone comments on how crazy he or I am, he likes to say "the acorn dont fall far from the tree"

sounds like im living with a confucious or prophet most days.

 

[StonedPony]

I would tell my kids Hey I brought you into this world I can take you out now get out of my fucking way tonight is fried pork chops.

My Daughter thought it was cool when she was in the 10th grade and I would pull up on my old 51 harley chopper to give her a ride home.
My son liked it cause I whipped the shit out of his HIgh School princieple for giveing him swats with a paddle......told the bastard if he touched my son again Id kill him........
They always laughed when I got surprised by something. my favorite saying is WELL FUCK ME TO TEARS.

 

[redlube]

My dad always told me money doesn't grow on trees!! Oh how wrong he is!

 

[canuckgrow]

"Shit balls and gravy"........."Fuck a Duck"...........Oh and my personel fav..."horse shit in a bears ass"

 

[ultraviolet pirate]

from stepdad: 2nd place is first of the losers..the better part of you ran down your mommas leg...are you sure you dont have black in you?..do it today...you shoulda stuck with kristiana ( a mennonite girl i dated..i taught her the ways of the world and threw her aside...i kick myself often)

 

[DaBong]

You ask him a question and he says:

"Did I tell you?"

You say "no"

Then he says:

"That must mean it's none of your fucking business"

Always pisses me off and somehow I always fall into it.

 

[......]

Some guy who was with my mom a while back said to me your just mad im fucking your mom.I responded with what guy in this city isn't?
Thats the only one I can remember from all them years.He was a asshole.
Me and my cousin ended up and setting his car on fire.