Why don't men listen?

[VILEPLUME]

True story, I got married this year and my wife keeps saying "You don't listen", is this a common problem most men face in a serious relationship?

Women on RIU, is it true? Are most men bad at listening?

 

[marc88101]

What's that? sorry, I wasn't listening.

 

[budlover13]

True story, I got married this year and my wife keeps saying "You don't listen", is this a common problem most men face in a serious relationship?

Women on RIU, is it true? Are most men bad at listening?

MOST people, male and female, listen with the intent to reply, not with the intent to understand.

Given that men are natural problem solvers, it seems likely that they are trying to find a solution to the problem that a female comes to them with.

 

[cannabineer]

MOST people, male and female, listen with the intent to reply, not with the intent to understand.

Given that men are natural problem solvers, it seems likely that they are trying to find a solution to the problem that a female comes to them with.

And yet it would seem that "understand, then reply" would be a recommended procedure. cn

 

[budlover13]

And yet it would seem that "understand, then reply" would be a recommended procedure. cn

Riiight????

i do my best to fully understand it but then quite often, when i confirm the situation and then give a possible solution she says "i wasn't looking for you to DO anything about it. Just LISTEN!"

Inaction is tough for me.

 

[cannabineer]

Riiight????

i do my best to fully understand it but then quite often, when i confirm the situation and then give a possible solution she says "i wasn't looking for you to DO anything about it. Just LISTEN!"

Inaction is tough for me.

Most women do not get that most men have "Do not frustrate me with an insoluble scenario." hardwired. cn

 

[sunni]

i think its like most men dont get the point, they will focus on something else in the paragraph instead of whats important to her?...maybe idk

 

[cannabineer]

i think its like most men dont get the point, they will focus on something else in the paragraph instead of whats important to her?...maybe idk

I disagree. Many men want the woman to care enough to prescreen what she's saying ... present a problem with a path toward solution. Otherwise it's indistinguishable from emotionalized gossip. "You told me all of that, Dear, and there's nothing to DO?" cn

 

[VILEPLUME]

i think its like most men dont get the point, they will focus on something else in the paragraph instead of whats important to her?...maybe idk

I sorta understand what you are saying. I hear, "don't listen to my words, but listen to what I am feeling"

 

[sunni]

I disagree. Many men want the woman to care enough to prescreen what she's saying ... present a problem with a path toward solution. Otherwise it's indistinguishable from emotionalized gossip. "You told me all of that, Dear, and there's nothing to DO?" cn

depends on the situation really i guess everyone situation is different. From my womanly point of view most of the time its the person not getting my point , and usually continuing you argue

I sorta understand what you are saying. I hear, "don't listen to my words, but listen to what I am feeling"

kinda im having a hard time writing what i mean

 

[cannabineer]

depends on the situation really i guess everyone situation is different. From my womanly point of view most of the time its the person not getting my point , and usually continuing you argue



kinda im having a hard time writing what i mean

Let's pretend that you and I are the principals. How would you feel if my attitude was "I will gladly listen to whatever you say, so long as it meets the criterion of internal consistency?" Basically, i should have the right to say "that does not make sense. Please either fix it or abandon it, without prejudice or consequence". i am quite verbal and literal-minded, and would feel offended to simply be "talked at". I would want to know that you'd get better results talking with me than simply at me ... than talking to something congenial yet passive, like a pillow. That when you present me a situation, it is understood that you are soliciting, at the least, my opinion, and as a rule, my advice. cn

 

[sunni]

Let's pretend that you and I are the principals. How would you feel if my attitude was "I will gladly listen to whatever you say, so long as it meets the criterion of internal consistency?" Basically, i should have the right to say "that does not make sense. Please either fix it or abandon it, without prejudice or consequence". i am quite verbal and literal-minded, and would feel offended to simply be "talked at". I would want to know that you'd get better results talking with me than simply at me ... than talking to something congenial yet passive, like a pillow. That when you present me a situation, it is understood that you are soliciting, at the least, my opinion, and as a rule, my advice. cn

i was talking mor eof a relationship standpoint like , but i guess im not writing what really makes sense, like im having a hard time putting what i mean into words

 

[VILEPLUME]

depends on the situation really i guess everyone situation is different. From my womanly point of view most of the time its the person not getting my point , and usually continuing you argue



kinda im having a hard time writing what i mean

Its ok, I confuse myself when I write sometimes too lol.

 

[cannabineer]

i was talking mor eof a relationship standpoint like , but i guess im not writing what really makes sense, like im having a hard time putting what i mean into words

In that case I'll head back to the garage, dear. cn

 

[guy incognito]

Maybe the women just need a filter to block the nonsense so it's not a 24 hour barrage of needless information. I get desensitized to it pretty fast. I still hear it, but not really consciously, just like I don't really notice that loud fan running 24/7. After awhile it just gets tuned out.

 

[VILEPLUME]

Maybe the women just need a filter to block the nonsense so it's not a 24 hour barrage of needless information. I get desensitized to it pretty fast. I still hear it, but not really consciously, just like I don't really notice that loud fan running 24/7. After awhile it just gets tuned out.

Did u just compare a woman to a loud fan?

 

[cannabineer]

She's his loudest fan. cn

 

[guy incognito]

Did u just compare a woman to a loud fan?

Yes. 24/7 noise. Also blow a lot of hot air around.

 

[SirGreenThumb]

Maybe I have something wrong with me, cause I always seem to listen when my fiancee is talking. But, there are plenty of times when she is talking and I can't seem to make out what she is really trying to say. So I take it upon myself to break down different scenarios to try and figure out what she is truly meaning to say. There are times when she says things that sound completely foreign to me, so I take what I know and put it into layman's terms "so to speak" to help her spit out what she is really wanting to ask or tell me.

 

[cannabineer]

Maybe I have something wrong with me, cause I always seem to listen when my fiancee is talking. But, there are plenty of times when she is talking and I can't seem to make out what she is really trying to say. So I take it upon myself to break down different scenarios to try and figure out what she is truly meaning to say. There are times when she says things that sound completely foreign to me, so I take what I know and put it into layman's terms "so to speak" to help her spit out what she is really wanting to ask or tell me.

If she works with you on that, you two have a good thing going. cn