Children, as we all know, are evil.
For those with children, one only needs to look upon their happy and carefree single, childless days as testament to that fact.
And for those without hell-minions they are constantly reminded of this fact every time they call up one of our fallen brethren to see if they want to get a beer.
"Hey John, want to get a beer?"
"No, little Harry contracted a cold at school and infected the rest of us at the house. I'll be able to go out again in 18 years...assuming my wife doesn't want to have another one."
Of course, those with children will always say they are happy that they had children, but we know several things are wrong with this;
1. Misery loves company and the advocation of having children is merely propaganda for you to join us in Hell on Earth.
2. It's not like they can say, "Gee, I really wish I didn't have children." NOBODY will ever say that. Instead they will ALL say that "they're glad they had children." The way to tell the liars from the truth-tellers is that the liars aren't smiling when they say it and say it with a tone that sounds forced. Whereas those truly compassionate about children will not only tell you how happy they are they had children, but won't shut up about them either!
3. It's a fact of psychology that people don't like to admit they've made a mistake, so they'll trick themselves into believing they actually enjoy having children.
But the ultimate proof as to the evilness of children is that it says so in the bible.
Corinthians VI, Chapter 83, Verse 142
"Children are evil, sayeth the Lord. Have not any and thou shalt live a beautiful life, free of stress and pain."
The only reason you've never heard that is because it's a conspiracy of the religious right to increase their ranks through birthing more members.
Regardless, I only speak of children because at the age 33 I'm experiencing something I think some of the Luftwaffe pilots experienced in late 1940 when they challenged Britain,
Dwindling numbers.
Ten years ago, there were scores of us. Hundreds of us, elite fighters and bombers, all flying in formation, carrying out our missions, flying about freely in the sky, drinking, dancing, hitting on girls at clubs, sleeping in till whenever we wanted. Then out of nowhere, droves of British Spitfires came in and started pouring hell on us. We immediately lost the stragglers, some of the weak ones in the herd, but were optimistically confident in our abilities and thought we could hold our formation. Oh, but how foolish we were, for those Spitfires were unrelenting.
With vastly superior firepower, speed and maneuverability we started taking heavy casualties from the Brits. Superior guns and marksmanship ensured their bullets met their mark with deadly accuracy. I couldn't escape unscathed and suffered a hit. And before I knew it there was nobody left. Just me wounded and a couple of fighters that had managed to escape the deadly wrath of being married with children.
Sadly we couldn't raise anybody on the radio to see if they'd want to get a beer. No, just their British captors would be on the other end saying, "John can't go out with you tonight. He has to go to out to get me some new curtains, and then we're putting in pot rack and he's driving me to work."
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Thus, I feel it my patriotic duty as one of the wounded fighters in this god-foresaken war to remind you all about the evils of children and point out some of the economic ramifications of having them. Namely, what they cost.
Heres what you could get for your money..
•a brand new Ferrari
•a new house
•a luxury yatch
•534 X-Boxes
•a 5 year holiday
When put in this kind of context, it should really make you ponder whether you want to dedicate such resources to the upbringing of one child. Those of you having three children could have either been millionaires by now or had a luxurious 15 year holiday. And this says nothing about the headache, yelling, screaming, disease transmission nor lack of sleep you will surely endure.
So, to all of you out there with children or aspiring to have one, don't say I didn't warn you.