Anyone have experience with an alcoholic spouse?

[bowlfullofbliss]

I'm losing my mind with this. No idea what to do.

This is a trainwreck happening in real time. We've been together for 14 yrs, and she's been getting worse every year. When it comes to alcohol, I can take it or leave it, no problem. Perfectly capable of having a single beer, or drink, or laying into it, or none at all for long periods. I really don't care one way or the other. I only use cannabis right before bed, we have young kids. The only reason I do anymore is due to a bad injury to my spine, I'm unable to get to sleep, or to stay asleep longer than a few hours if I don't. I am, sadly, an addict myself, to morphine and other prescription meds I take. This is where this gets complicated here. Our children deserve better than this.

Part of me thinks we need total sobriety, both of us. The other part says that my physical issues require what I do, and its no excuse for her to be drunk every night. When we talk about it, she always says that I get to have my vices, and if we keep the booze out of the house, she gets no way to relax. I buy good beer, so I can have one or two, and she drinks it, all of it. I don't dare to bring vodka here, or its gone. I just realized she has drank half a mason jar of apple pie moonshine someone gave me, which I was saving, just because she felt like it. Its kind of violating honestly.

God I can go on and on, shes downstairs right now, just home from the Michigan football game, drunk, asking the same question three times now. Drunk since 11am.

My fear is if I push her to go to AA, or other treatment, or marriage will end. It hasn't been good for a long time now, and I'm quite sure the alcohol and drugs are whats keeping it together.

What a mess, eh.

I haven't been around here much for 6 months or so, kind of out of touch with a lot of you. I could use some personal experiences or thoughts if you could be so kind.

 

[dbkick]

my woman although she is very productive and probably in better health than I( I basically quit drinking months ago, now it's an occasional six of cider and I usually don't finish it in one sitting) and does not miss a beat (except for certain ocassions) with the bud lite.
Personally I used to be there years ago but anymore can't stand the hangovers.
She can really put them away without even appearing to be ripped. I suppose maybe a tolerance is built.
The only way I would ask her to give it up is if I were to give up something that I like just as much as she likes her beers. There is only 1 thing I could quit that I like as much as she likes beer.
Even if there were some kind of agreement "you quit this I'll quit that" there's still gonna be resentment and sometimes the hold a substance has on someone is much greater than the love.
I'd say carry on .

 

[bowlfullofbliss]

my woman although she is very productive and probably in better health than I( I basically quit drinking months ago, now it's an occasional six of cider and I usually don't finish it in one sitting) and does not miss a beat (except for certain ocassions) with the bud lite.
Personally I used to be there years ago but anymore can't stand the hangovers.
She can really put them away without even appearing to be ripped. I suppose maybe a tolerance is built.
The only way I would ask her to give it up is if I were to give up something that I like just as much as she likes her beers. There is only 1 thing I could quit that I like as much as she likes beer.
Even if there were some kind of agreement "you quit this I'll quit that" there's still gonna be resentment and sometimes the hold a substance has on someone is much greater than the love.
I'd say carry on .

this is exactly the situation, and what we've been doing. I call her out, and she'll calm it down for a bit, than back at it. Not sure if I can face my own shit, so how can I ask her to. That makes me a hypocrite, right. For sure.

Thanks DB.

 

[Ringsixty]

Dude, went through this shit before, Alcohol and Heavy Drug use to boot. It's a living Hell, feel for you man and the kids.
All you can do is seek professional help. But, she needs to be willing to do it.
Trust me things are not going to get better on it's own.
My situation did not turn out for the positive. Had to leave. Fortunately we didn't have any children in the mix.
Hard place to be in.
Maybe, try an intervention?

Just a note, my Girl was a MEAN DRUNK and vindictive too.

 

[bowlfullofbliss]

Dude, went through this shit before, Alcohol and Heavy Drug use to boot. It's a living Hell, feel for you man and the kids.
All you can do is seek professional help. But, she needs to be willing to do it.
Trust me things are not going to get better on it's own.
My situation did not turn out for the positive. Had to leave. Fortunately we didn't have any children in the mix.
Hard place to be in.
Maybe, try an intervention?

The thing is, she knows it, and admits to being an alcoholic, and has discussed AA, like she did tonight. She is waiting for me to push, but I know if I do, I'm going to have to answer to my own demons, which I'm not personally ready to. Is it fair to ask one to fix themselves, without doing the same thing?

I really don't want to be divorced, and lose the girls, and it'll happen. So what is the better option?

 

[slowbus]

been there.done that.got the tee shirt.Would not wish it on my worst enemy.Hate to jack your thread but my ex old lady was so bad..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I had to dump the bitch,or it was gonna get bad.I'm may be stuck being single but at least I'm not in jail for DV and I didn't kill her(which I think is what she wanted/lol)

 

[dbkick]

this is exactly the situation, and what we've been doing. I call her out, and she'll calm it down for a bit, than back at it. Not sure if I can face my own shit, so how can I ask her to. That makes me a hypocrite, right. For sure.

Thanks DB.

As my doctor put it when I tried to get an upgraded script on my xans "you've got your cigarettes and beer!"
Soon after that I quit both, still no upgrade in xans but that doctors have been fired in my mind and I get what I NEED elsewhere, but that's a whole different topic.
My woman works all day every day and is a productive citizen. If she wants and enjoys her beers she'll have them. The only issue is with her daughter(who is a fucking genius I kid you not, gonna be a veterinarian ) and she goes without when the kid comes home from college.
You certainly don't want to be a hypocrite even though what you're trying to do would be for her own good/health.

 

[dbkick]

been there.done that.got the tee shirt.Would not wish it on my worst enemy.Hate to jack your thread but my ex old lady was so bad..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I had to dump the bitch,or it was gonna get bad.I'm may be stuck being single but at least I'm not in jail for DV and I didn't kill her(which I think is what she wanted/lol)

I had one of those at one time too, bitch tried to one punch me in the throat while I was leaning against my truck with my arms folded having a discussion.

 

[dbkick]

luckily she was in her usual state of drunken as fuck and telegraphed that wind up from hell , leaving me sober and leaning a few inches to avoid my throat being collapsed.
It's so easy to get off topic but still be on topic with something like this.

 

[bowlfullofbliss]

DB, it sounds like we have similar situations for sure. My wife has a full time job, and is a great mom, and good wife. She works out, even if the calories from the drinks totally negates it, and I'm really the only one who knows the truth of her drinking. In my mind, I just want to head this off before we end up in slowbus' situation, which sucks BTW.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong here. The question is, when is enough, enough. How long do you wait before it effects the kids, and friends. Its already had its toll on the marriage, just the same amount as my problems have been, no doubt.

 

[bowlfullofbliss]

been there.done that.got the tee shirt.Would not wish it on my worst enemy.Hate to jack your thread but my ex old lady was so bad..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I had to dump the bitch,or it was gonna get bad.I'm may be stuck being single but at least I'm not in jail for DV and I didn't kill her(which I think is what she wanted/lol)

How did you decide it was time to do something slowbus?

 

[bowlfullofbliss]

luckily she was in her usual state of drunken as fuck and telegraphed that wind up from hell , leaving me sober and leaning a few inches to avoid my throat being collapsed.
It's so easy to get off topic but still be on topic with something like this.

I appreciate the conversation, so I'm good with whatever direction it takes.

 

[dbkick]

DB, it sounds like we have similar situations for sure. My wife has a full time job, and is a great mom, and good wife. She works out, even if the calories from the drinks totally negates it, and I'm really the only one who knows the truth of her drinking. In my mind, I just want to head this off before we end up in slowbus' situation, which sucks BTW.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong here. The question is, when is enough, enough. How long do you wait before it effects the kids, and friends. Its already had its toll on the marriage, just the same amount as my problems have been, no doubt.

I drop hints a lot.Like I drop the word moderation a lot and then spark up 4 joints in an hour :/.
I tell her straight up when her kid calls for her to quit. If my kid EVER told me I was gonna quit something I chose and liked to do/consume it would probably get pretty fucking ugly......or perhaps comical, I'd be roflmfao(spelling, haven't used that acronym for years, or ever actually).
I believe in doing wtf you want as long as it doesn't harm anyone. The intervention shit I'm not sure wtf that's all about but if someone wants to do something more than likely they're gonna do it.

 

[1itsme]

idk if fair has anything to do with it. I was a pretty bad drinker for a long time and it's a pretty destructive habit. Honestly after stopping drinking , to get high , I don't really understand why ppl do it. Weed is the better option for getting high imo. A clear sativa dom for when i got stuff to do or want to be social, and a heavy strain for nighty night time. A high cbd strain might help your back (reduces swelling). idk if theres a really good option quitting drinking is pretty brutal if your really addicted, i dt'd for 4 days when i stopped. otoh there's no good alternative to quitting if your an addict. it will only get worse the longer she continues to drink. gl and tc

 

[dbkick]

it's about what floats your boat itsme. different strokes for different folks and all , you know.
Like my doctor said while trying to upgrade my xans "you got your cigarettes and beer". leaving me to believe since he's a doc he should know and those things must have a similar affect as xans.nicotine and alcohol.
I had my weed , my mdma , my fucking coke too but he didn't know about that.

 

[bowlfullofbliss]

idk if fair has anything to do with it. I was a pretty bad drinker for a long time and it's a pretty destructive habit. Honestly after stopping drinking , to get high , I don't really understand why ppl do it. Weed is the better option for getting high imo. A clear sativa dom for when i got stuff to do or want to be social, and a heavy strain for nighty night time. A high cbd strain might help your back (reduces swelling). idk if theres a really good option quitting drinking is pretty brutal if your really addicted, i dt'd for 4 days when i stopped. otoh there's no good alternative to quitting if your an addict. it will only get worse the longer she continues to drink. gl and tc

I wish she'd smoke with me, she has no interest in it, never has. I ran a pretty sizable grow here for years, had an unlimited number of strains and supply of everything cannabis, and no interest, ever. sadly, drinking is what she loves to do....wine especially.

 

[dbkick]

I wish she'd smoke with me, she has no interest in it, never has. I ran a pretty sizable grow here for years, had an unlimited number of strains and supply of everything cannabis, and no interest, ever. sadly, drinking is what she loves to do....wine especially.

Mine acted all excited when I got my first redcard and she'd go dispensary hopping with me, even though it wasn't her thing, she already had her thing and that was/is alcohol. I finally noticed she liked all the weak ass strains and nothing else so she was cut off. no more dispensary hopping for her.

 

[Nether Region]

That you are asking when it's time to do something tells me it's close to that time. You are at a crossroads, and it sounds like other than the alcohol she is great, so clearly, moving forward with a healthy relationship is the goal.

Have you asked her WHY she drinks with everything else she has goin on in her life to keep her busy, especially the working out? If you have pain management issues, I don't really think it's quite the same. Having said that, if that is what it takes for her to stop, you have to decide if everything is worth your pot/drugs/beer. You are a team, with 14 years invested and children. You sound like a great guy, good luck!

 

[TheMan13]

I'd seek marriage counseling from a substance abuse professional that hopefully your insurance will cover. I'm no fan counselling personally and I have enough paper on the wall to do it myself That said, the conversations among you two with the children's well being and your marriage as it's intent will likely cause productive dialect between you that will provide a true answer.

Good luck brother.

 

[bowlfullofbliss]

That you are asking when it's time to do something tells me it's close to that time. You are at a crossroads, and it sounds like other than the alcohol she is great, so clearly, moving forward with a healthy relationship is the goal.

Have you asked her WHY she drinks with everything else she has goin on in her life to keep her busy, especially the working out? If you have pain management issues, I don't really think it's quite the same. Having said that, if that is what it takes for her to stop, you have to decide if everything is worth your pot/drugs/beer. You are a team, with 14 years invested and children. You sound like a great guy, good luck!

I definatly have, and its the same reasons we all do what we do. Long, 10 hr work days, kids acting crazy, stress, likes to have wine while cooking (drinks the bottle while she does), you know, same old stuff. The fact she has REASONS for it, instead of just enjoying a cold beer after work, concerns me.

Thanks for the kind words Nether.

I think you are hitting it right on the head, this is a question of my own desires too. If I didn't have my own problems, it would be no issue to me to push her into help, and deal with it. But, somehow knowing I will have to do the same thing, makes the decision so much harder.

Maybe I should start with me, than work with her. I would have a much better position in this deal, wouldn't I.

Oy.