Okay I would just like to say before I/we begin this comp, Best Of Luck to my fellow competitors and condolences to the fallen
. I sincerely hope that everyone left really kicks some ass this competition and makes judging all but impossible. Please be safe and please don't take anything I say here too personally. I really don't mean it, (unless you're PF, but I'll try to leave him at the door), I'm usually just trying to dig up material or get some of you off your game. So once again Best Wishes everyone and I hope to be at the finish line with y'all! And off we go
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Oh I'd also like to add that I'm sorry for being disrespectful to those who find cupping to be terribly difficult and a true skill. But the truth is I'm very aware of how difficult it is to grow and flower a plant in a cup. If cup growing was on a list of difficult things to do I believe it would probably fall somewhere between climbing Mount Everest drunk with a fat chick strapped to your back and wrestling Lindsay Lohan for that last line of blow at a after hours Hollywood club. Fuck hitting a major league curve-ball Ted Williams, computing the hydration/dehydration factors of your average party cup dwarfs that baseball shit. So without further ado I'd like to show you why it's taken me so long to get started.
Seeds:
After much debate with my grow staff, (who we'll meet later on in the competition), it was decided that the best course of action was to have 3 more executive meetings, smoke 2 more blunts, order 6 more pizzas and then send one of the grow staff's assistants on a 4 week fact finding mission across the globe to find the bestest most perfecto seeds available to the general public today. Seeds whose genetics and lineage is beyond reproach. Thank God he got back in time for the contest with the goods. We'll be using 4 Feminized Critical Mass seeds, each within .00000000000000000000023 microns in size of each other. These seeds were then given to legendary hair stylist to the gods Billy-Bob McSnipsters to shave off .00000000001 microns off of each bean and make it that much easier for the seeds to break out of their shells. Each seed was then placed in their own personally evaluated, climate controlled environment using a blend of carbon dioxide imported from Patagonia, Beijing and the Bronx to insure a successful, stress free germination all the whilst using recycled purified Blue whale piss, for true and proper hydration.
PS. Do you know how hard it is to force feed a Blue whale Gatorade and Poland Springs H2O? Holy shit, maybe not as hard as wrestling Lohan but fuckin' close that's for sure
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Party Cup:
After a much thorough and exhaustive testing procedure, 16 eligible candidates were selected to move on to the next round where they were weighed, measured, probed, dissected and re-sected. From these tests emerged 16 candidates qualified to be re-tested, re-weighed, re-probed, re-dissected and then re-re-resected. Of those 16, 4 were found to have 1/4 of 1% more air in their plastic's build content and to hold exactly 16.456349982 ounces each and were selected for their clear potential to grow amazingly large plants. They were then shipped to Antwerp for further modifications and the cutting of custom sized holes by diamond cutters extraordinaire Murray and Audrey Lipschitz,(Mazel-tov, you crazy kids!), then flown back on an un-retired Concorde that I borrowed from JZ, (My Jigga!). BTW all the cup's telemetry will be managed and monitored by Nasa's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, but it will be another week till the satellite link and custom harnesses are setup. Sorry guyz
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Pro Tip: Government geek-boys won't do shit for you till that check clears. Don't even bother trying.
Medium:
Technically speaking I can't tell you exactly what I'm using since you would all have to sign an NDA. What I can tell you is this is a blend of some of the best available dirt on this or any planet. We even had one of the assistant staff travel to a secret sacred garden in Thailand where he was given 8.8 liters of the finest dirt money cannot buy. Sadly I had to kill him, his entire family, his friends, his co-workers, (plus a few meddling kids who got in the way), to preserve the area's secret location. There are also several additives that I can't talk about on this continent but I've included the usual good organic stuff like unicorn tears, solidified baboon farts, the Colonel's secret recipe and fresh toe cheese from a Times Square bum. All good, exotic and all terribly expensive stuff. And it's PH'd at 6.709495486784737378474 which I know I can get better. Dammit to hell, too much toe cheese! Grrrrrr.
Look, you can just make out bits of the toe cheese. Mmmmm, I can smell the organic difference.
Light:
This is a completely custom built rig of my own device that I built with the help of 2 IBM mainframes, a particle accelerator, the top 1% of MENSA and Queenie the Wonder Cow. Each custom die is hand made by blind, impoverished, underage, one-balled Tibetan monks. These are lights that are so bright you must be blind in order to see them. It's all very technical and this website just doesn't have the storage for me to go into the math here but needless to say most of you just wouldn't understand it anyways. Sorry if that hurts.
Okay then I think we got everything we need to get going. My sig is where I keep the current cup and grow info. I'll be updating that soon. And remember to sign up for the telemetry data by posting your GPS co-ordinates here.
And for those of you with normal self-esteem and who don't have to make a big deal about your minor achievements the above goes something like this:
Walked to Lowes. Got some Vigaro cause it was cheaper than MG. Walked home. Went to the 99 cent store and got some cups, toilet paper and some of that blood-orange soap, (SWEET!). Walked home. Poked some holes in the cups then walked to my fridge and took out 4 stress femmed Critical Mass (MNS genetics) seeds. Added some of my regular recycled mix to the Vigaro. Planted seeds, watered and sprayed with de-chlorinated water. Sprayed the inside of a baggie with Cal Carb and put one of those baggies with a rubber-band over each cup and then put them under 6 x F3 Illumitex LEDs and one 20 watt multi-chip array, all running at 12/12. Will probably feed with Happy Frog 5-5-5 and MediOne if they even need food. Some Super Plant Tonic, Azos and more Cal Carb will be used too. And I think I smoked a joint or two somewhere along the line. And walked a bit more.
Shit. Sorry, I forgot to compute the ergs used while walking to and from shopping, (must of been that second joint), but I'll get JPL right on it
! Adios!
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Man I'm rusty. I give it a 7 out of 10. Too much meanness FrannyJ! But you guys and your Star Wars dolls aren't much inspiration
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As the great David Byrne once said "Any Questions?"