All your shitty jokes

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A small weedy little guy walks into the bar and sits down alongside three big kiwis,, orders a beer and look at the kiwis
Hey,, do you want me to tell you a kiwi joke ?
The first bloke gets up,, I'm 6 ft 2 90 kilos played 15 test matches for the all blacks and I work out twice a week,, the guy next to me is 6 ft 4 100 kilo and played 32 tests for the all blacks & works out 4 times a week, the bloke next to him is 6 foot 6 110 kilos of solid muscle works out 5 times a week and is currently playing for the all blacks,, do you still want to tell us to kiwi joke

The little fella replies,,nar. Not if I have to explain it 3 times !!

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!"

His father says, "That is very good let's see how your other brothers do."

About a day later the second brother comes home and he says, "Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck."

The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does."

While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen before, so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a fuck."

She replied, "Ok."

When the boy got home to his father, his father was so furious that he yelled, "You get your ass back in that bar and get that duck back!"

So the boy returned to the bar and found the same girl and told her his tale. He then said, "I'll give you a fuck for that duck." She agreed and while they were fucking the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck.

The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay for the duck. The boy then replied, "$20 would do nicely."

"No problem," said the driver. When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, "I won! I won! I got a fuck for a duck a duck for a fuck and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck."

An American took his whole family to Jerusalem for a holiday.While they were there his mother in law died. The funeral director said he could bury her in Jerusalem for $500.00, or take her back to America and bury her for $5000.00. The guy said he would take her to America. The funeral director asked him why he wanted to spend all that extra money. The guy said that he's heard about a man that died and was buried in Jerusalem, and after 3 days he rose again, and he didn't want to chance it.

BudmanTX said:

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

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o damn

A married guy met a woman in a bar and went home with her- the next morning he drove through a bunch of mud and got his clothes all muddy, then went home to his wife who asked where he'd been all night. He said "well, I met this girl at a bar and went home with her for the night", and his wife said "you lying bastard, you've been hunting ducks!"

In the case of the 83-year-old arrested for trying to have his way with a 19-year- old:

He was acquitted of sex charges, but convicted of assault with a dead weapon.







Monkey rimshot gif in 3, 2, 1 …

Don't want to disappoint you.

raratt said:

Don't want to disappoint you.

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I was expecting it from op.

When posting here in TnT a decision is made.

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?

Royal family members William and Kate are doing the official opening ceremony of a new hospital in Scotland, afterwards, they are given a tour. They go into one ward, and the guy in the first bed is muttering... "Oh, my love is like a red, red rose..." They go past the next bed and the chap in it is also muttering... "Wee sleekit, cowrin' tim'rous beestie..." The next guy is the same. He's mumbling: "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never bought to mind..."

Kate asks the doctor showing them round... "What is this ward?" The doctor replies - "It's the Burns Unit, mam."