All your shitty jokes

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran

Mr. Johnston was sitting on his pourch when lil Jonny came walking down the street with a roll of duct tape.
MJ "where you going jonny?Jonny?
LJ "this is duck tape I'm going to get some ducks"
"Dumb ass that's not how you catch ducks"
3 hrs latter Jonny come back down the street with 6 ducks wrapped in his duct tape.
The next day
MJ "Where you going with that chicken wire?LJ "where do you think to get some chickens"
MJ "dumbass"
3hrs later Jonny comes back with 6 chickens wrapped up in wire
Next day
MJ "What you got with ya today jonny?"
LJ "pussy willow"
MJ "Wait up let me get my coat"

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

“We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

“That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful," the man replied, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful. And the hotel- was great! They'd just finished a $25 million renovation and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They were also overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

“Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky,” the man replied. “While we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if we’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

"Really?" asked the barber. “What'd he say?”

The man replied, “Where'd you get that terrible haircut?”

My life’s a shitty joke, wish someone would’ve told me I was autistic at like 14 not 40. My shrink could’ve kept that to himself and not given me an existential crisis. Does explain why I’m so damn weird though.

a woman walks into a vets with a dead parrot. she says to the vet, "i think my parrots dead, can you check please.
vet looks at the bird and picks up a wing, it falls back all lifeless. listens to its chest, no heart beat.
so the vet turns to the woman and says, sorry, but your parrots dead
woman, no no, he cant be, you haven't done enough tests. please check again,
so the vet gives a whistle and a labrador dog comes in, hops up on the table with the parrot, looks it up n down, sniffs it, turns to the vet and shakes its head. the dog jumps down and off round the corner.
im sorry , but your parrot is dead.
woman, no no he cant be, you haven't done enough tests. please try again
the vet gives a whistle, in comes a cat, jumps up on to the examination table. the cat looks the bird up and down, turns to the vet and shakes its head ,the vet turns to the woman and says, im sorry, but your parrot is dead. theres nothing more i can do.
ok she says, how much do i owe you. that's £375 please
how much? says the woman, that's a lot of money
well says the vet, i was going to charge you £10, but with the lab report and cat scan, its now £375

Greengrouch said:

My life’s a shitty joke, wish someone would’ve told me I was autistic at like 14 not 40. My shrink could’ve kept that to himself and not given me an existential crisis. Does explain why I’m so damn weird though.

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try 54, they've finaly decided im autistic aspergers

SH420

God : “yo Abe I need you to cut out your sons heart”

Abraham: about to do it

God: haha just kidding, good thing I stopped you soon enough this time, lol sorry bout your dick

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

After her weekly round of golf, Susan stopped by the pro-shop to report that she had been stung by a hornet in her “privates” somewhere between the tee box on hole #1 and hole #2. The golf pro causally looks up explains that she needs to tighten up her stance.

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

BudmanTX said:

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Pope Benidict is waiting at the gates with another man. St.Peter showes up qnd says "we have been egarly awaiting your arrival. Your hollyness would you mind if i show Mr.X to his quarters first?"
Pope: ive waited all my life to greet the glory of heaven whats another hr.
They approch a large 20 bedroom mansion
St.P: Mr.X you have a 36 hole private golf course in the back of the estate a full time wait/cook/maid/grounds staff, an olympic sized heated pool, there is a direct line to the front office by your door if you need any additional accomidations.
St.P and pope approch a small villa on a populated hilltop
St.P: House keeping and laundry pick up come m-w-f, community meals are surved at the caffatirea on the platue, you have a koi pond and a garden behind you vila.
Pope: St.Peter, I am eternaly greatful for the blessings of heaven. But i do not understand, I was the hollyest man on earth how could another be deserving of so much more then I?
St.P: Every resident of this mountain was a Pope, he is our first lawyer

Greengrouch said:

Does explain why I’m so damn weird though.

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By "weird"do you acualy mean "awesome"? Normal people boar the hell outta me

A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looked at him and said, “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working,” replied the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaimed the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” said the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” said the barman as he pulled the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explained the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman couldn’t believe the duck and wanted to learn more but took the hint when the duck pulled a newspaper from his bag and proceeded to read it.

The duck read his paper, drank his beer, ate his sandwich, paid up, bid the barman a good day and left.

The same thing happened every few days for two weeks.

Then one day the circus came to town.

The ringmaster walked into the pub for a pint and the barman said, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!” said the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

The next day when the duck came into the pub the barman said, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” said the duck. "Where is it?”

"At the circus.” said the barman.

"The circus?" repeated the duck.

"That's right.” replied the barman.

"The circus?” the duck asked again.
“With the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replied.

"With all the animals that live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" asked the duck.

"Of course,” the barman replied.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persisted the duck.

"That's right.” said the barman.

The duck shook his head in amazement, and said “What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?”