Anyone have experience with an alcoholic spouse?

TheMan13 said:

I'd seek marriage counseling from a substance abuse professional that hopefully your insurance will cover. I'm no fan counselling personally and I have enough paper on the wall to do it myself That said, the conversations among you two with the children's well being and your marriage as it's intent will likely cause productive dialect between you that will provide a true answer.

Good luck brother.

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It sounds like another beer is in order between us in the near future TM.

I feel for you, I was married to a woman for ten yrs, she drank every day all day long, day and night, lost most my friends due to embarassment, we worked at the same place and she was always drunk to the point they fired her, after ten yrs I finally had enough and tho I tried to tell her that it was harming our marriage she'd always blew it off, fortunately we had no kids, had no choice but to devorce her, I just couldn't take it any longer, it's sad 'cause she was a good woman when sober (very rarely).

Hey man, want to hear the other side of the story? So my wife doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and apparently doesn't need to anymore. (side note: she used to drink heavily and had 2 back to back DUIs when she was younger and then just quit) She can have a half a beer once a week now and be fine with that.

When I have no weed for long periods I drink a lot, every night if I can. I didn't think it was causing any kind of problem, but then I'd start to notice that I'd become an asshole sometimes while drinking, lose my temper, etc. She pointed it out a few times in a nice way. I tried to control that and really wanted it to have no effect on her, so then I'd hide it when I was drinking. No good there, I'd make mistakes and she'd notice I was trying to hide it. That made it worse.

She said on multiple occasions, I don't like it when you drink so much. Period. She didn't ask me to quit. She just pointed out the problems it caused, my behavior, how it made her feel, but didn't force me into any kind of decision that I wasn't ready to make. It put the ball completely in my court, while letting me know how she felt in a loving way. I've been doing a lot better now actually because I love her and don't love the drinking as much as her, and our daughter, so it's up to me to change myself. I realize that now, when somehow before I didn't realize jack shit.

Ok so I haven't quit, but I'm working on it hard. I just need something to take the edge off of my mind and thoughts at the end of the day. I realize that alcohol is the worst thing for that, but haven't been able to grow or find a reliable hookup for weed in the last 9 months, so it's been hard. Weed puts me in a much better place, a million times better. I realize it's basically swapping out one addiction for another, so I don't know the answer to that yet, but I feel like I'm getting there slowly. When I smoke I can do a few hits and then leave it for a day or two.

This doesn't really parallel to your problem that much, but I'm just hoping the way my wife is handling might help you find a way to handle it too. She's doing it right I think. I'm making decisions on my own, albeit slowly, as opposed to getting some kind of ultimatum that I would definitely hate her for and rebel against.

JackTheBongRipper said:

Hey man, want to hear the other side of the story? So my wife doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and apparently doesn't need to anymore. (side note: she used to drink heavily and had 2 back to back DUIs when she was younger and then just quit) She can have a half a beer once a week now and be fine with that.

When I have no weed for long periods I drink a lot, every night if I can. I didn't think it was causing any kind of problem, but then I'd start to notice that I'd become an asshole sometimes while drinking, lose my temper, etc. She pointed it out a few times in a nice way. I tried to control that and really wanted it to have no effect on her, so then I'd hide it when I was drinking. No good there, I'd make mistakes and she'd notice I was trying to hide it. That made it worse.

She said on multiple occasions, I don't like it when you drink so much. Period. She didn't ask me to quit. She just pointed out the problems it caused, my behavior, how it made her feel, but didn't force me into any kind of decision that I wasn't ready to make. It put the ball completely in my court, while letting me know how she felt in a loving way. I've been doing a lot better now actually because I love her and don't love the drinking as much as her, and our daughter, so it's up to me to change myself. I realize that now, when somehow before I didn't realize jack shit.

Ok so I haven't quit, but I'm working on it hard. I just need something to take the edge off of my mind and thoughts at the end of the day. I realize that alcohol is the worst thing for that, but haven't been able to grow or find a reliable hookup for weed in the last 9 months, so it's been hard. Weed puts me in a much better place, a million times better. I realize it's basically swapping out one addiction for another, so I don't know the answer to that yet, but I feel like I'm getting there slowly. When I smoke I can do a few hits and then leave it for a day or two.

This doesn't really parallel to your problem that much, but I'm just hoping the way my wife is handling might help you find a way to handle it too. She's doing it right I think. I'm making decisions on my own, albeit slowly, as opposed to getting some kind of ultimatum that I would definitely hate her for and rebel against.

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I do appreciate the point of view from you. I've been doing what your wife was for a while now, asking her about it, letting her know I'm seeing it, and don't like it. The problem I am realizing with this, is I do it while she is drinking, like tonight. About 10 minutes after I told her I noticed my apple pie was half drank, and that she was pretty wasted coming home from the game..........what did she do......went and grabbed my last beer and a bag of popcorn. I said "really? Did you just do that out of spite?" Her response was I've already been drinking, why not.

This is obviously a failed approach. I will try again tomorrow. She's passed out on the couch now.

All I can tell you from being raised by alcoholics is that you will never get through to her and she won't quit until she has reached rock bottom. I say leave her, show her you are serious and get custody of your children and refuse to let her live with you and them. It is one thing to be addicted to pills because it's the only way you can move and be productive and it's a whole different story when someone is blasted from morning to night. Alcohol is the only drug I can even think of that causes you to black out but still have control of your motor skills and continue to cause havoc. I would rather deal with a heroin junkie than an alcoholic 10/10 times. Good luck man. If you need advice from someone who has roughly 20 years experience dealing with alcoholics and relationships that revolve around it shoot me a PM. Here for you bro, just prepare yourself. Shit is about to get fucking real.

bowlfullofbliss said:

I do appreciate the point of view from you. I've been doing what your wife was for a while now, asking her about it, letting her know I'm seeing it, and don't like it. The problem I am realizing with this, is I do it while she is drinking, like tonight. About 10 minutes after I told her I noticed my apple pie was half drank, and that she was pretty wasted coming home from the game..........what did she do......went and grabbed my last beer and a bag of popcorn. I said "really? Did you just do that out of spite?" Her response was I've already been drinking, why not.

This is obviously a failed approach. I will try again tomorrow. She's passed out on the couch now.

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Definitely do it first thing in the morning. That evil, hungover, glaring morning light is the best time to try to make a point. Not while drunk, that's the absolute worst time really.

Good luck. Maybe you are at the point of needing to make an ultimatum. Everyone is different.

bowlfullofbliss said:

How did you decide it was time to do something slowbus?

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Mine liked to get drunk and fist fight.Then fuck.She was 6 feet tall and 115 lbs.She would drink 24 beers in a day,couple days a week.She never had a hang over,ever.She kept the house so clean you could never find one empty can.LOL
I decided it was time when I had to call 911 during a fight.She was wanting to fight..Now way could I get outta there.She was on me.Outta the blue she passed out cold. Then the leo showed up.There I was w/ a drunk passed out bitch.It did not look good for me.Luckily I hadn't had a single drop to drink and one of the sheriffs knew her from school.That was the straw that broke my back

I was the alcoholic spouse , although i never got in trouble or ran around.
If she wont stop for herself leave. If the only thing holding your marriage together is alcohol then its over anyway.
Being an alcoholic who is drinking is nothing but a nightmare , in one way or another it hurts everyone and everything in your life, by abuse or just absence in my case.

I decided to get sober all by myself, i was just tired of it, my marriage sucked , i figured what the heck ile try it , i can always go back.
After the first month i started having nightmares i was drinking again, made and lost a fortune, Dad died , one month later my 20 year marriage died, lost my business, etc. etc. etc. AT NO TIME did i ever think, i need a drink, maybe that will make things better, im lucky.

If you can get her to stop buy a juicer it will help with the detox.

Best wishes

bowlfullofbliss said:

My fear is if I push her to go to AA, or other treatment, or marriage will end.

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Accept the perspective of one who wore the shoe on the other foot. My drug use killed a good marriage. If requiring AA kills your marriage, it was no longer viable. The hardest part is grabbing that one by the horns. But imo you both will benefit, because all other outcomes will be worse.

You have my empathy ... and so does your wife.

<add> a little late to this party

bowlfullofbliss said:

I do appreciate the point of view from you. I've been doing what your wife was for a while now, asking her about it, letting her know I'm seeing it, and don't like it. The problem I am realizing with this, is I do it while she is drinking, like tonight. About 10 minutes after I told her I noticed my apple pie was half drank, and that she was pretty wasted coming home from the game..........what did she do......went and grabbed my last beer and a bag of popcorn. I said "really? Did you just do that out of spite?" Her response was I've already been drinking, why not.

This is obviously a failed approach. I will try again tomorrow. She's passed out on the couch now.

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It's the lies and secrecy. Here's how to fix this. You find a local Al Anon group and their meeting times. Next you sit down with her and tell her all this lying and hiding is over. You tell her, the children and you are going to Al Anon so you can SUPPORT her in getting clean. Then ask her if she wants to go with you and tell the kids herself that mommy is an alcoholic or you will do it by yourself.

Life is tough but without clear reality you can really fuck those kids up. An alcoholic won't hurt the kids as much as the lies and attempts to obfuscate that she isn't so the kids instead wind up hating themselves. Kids can NOT grok someone else's issue. To children they are the center of their universe so it must be because of them.

End this game and get everyone help before more damage is done and I really hope the best for you and your family.

Sad thread. Good luck, man.

bowlfullofbliss said:

The thing is, she knows it, and admits to being an alcoholic, and has discussed AA, like she did tonight. She is waiting for me to push, but I know if I do, I'm going to have to answer to my own demons, which I'm not personally ready to. Is it fair to ask one to fix themselves, without doing the same thing? I really don't want to be divorced, and lose the girls, and it'll happen. So what is the better option?

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Sounds like you know what you need to do. You just need the strength to do it.

I can reiterate what others have said or give my honest opinion.
You and your wife both know the answer to this question but the answer and it's consequences seem to be harsher then the situation it's self, both are fighting the good fight for the sake of others, a valiant quality but ultimately self destructive.
The mirror and it's reflection is often the harshest judge.

My husband has an ex. The kids all say the best thing he did was divorce her. After the divorce she sold coke out of her house with the grandkids being there. She destroyed many lives, 3 people have died in her home.

Save yourself and leave.

bowlfullofbliss said:

I'm losing my mind with this. No idea what to do.

This is a trainwreck happening in real time. We've been together for 14 yrs, and she's been getting worse every year. When it comes to alcohol, I can take it or leave it, no problem. Perfectly capable of having a single beer, or drink, or laying into it, or none at all for long periods. I really don't care one way or the other. I only use cannabis right before bed, we have young kids. The only reason I do anymore is due to a bad injury to my spine, I'm unable to get to sleep, or to stay asleep longer than a few hours if I don't. I am, sadly, an addict myself, to morphine and other prescription meds I take. This is where this gets complicated here. Our children deserve better than this.

Part of me thinks we need total sobriety, both of us. The other part says that my physical issues require what I do, and its no excuse for her to be drunk every night. When we talk about it, she always says that I get to have my vices, and if we keep the booze out of the house, she gets no way to relax. I buy good beer, so I can have one or two, and she drinks it, all of it. I don't dare to bring vodka here, or its gone. I just realized she has drank half a mason jar of apple pie moonshine someone gave me, which I was saving, just because she felt like it. Its kind of violating honestly.

God I can go on and on, shes downstairs right now, just home from the Michigan football game, drunk, asking the same question three times now. Drunk since 11am.

My fear is if I push her to go to AA, or other treatment, or marriage will end. It hasn't been good for a long time now, and I'm quite sure the alcohol and drugs are whats keeping it together.

What a mess, eh.

I haven't been around here much for 6 months or so, kind of out of touch with a lot of you. I could use some personal experiences or thoughts if you could be so kind.

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My wife was bad but not as bad as some, you know, starting in the morning and going all day. No, she just slammed down vodka when she got home from work and usually it was 5-6 strong ones. By 7 PM she was smashed and going to bed. She did this for about 15 years. It was hard on her health, etc. along with menopause. Ugh! But just this year she got her card and started smoking weed again as she couldn't before due to her work's random tests. She stopped drinking 5-6 and went to 1-2 drinks nightly. Same with me, I'd been a card holder since o6' and it cut my drinking down to 1 a night too. She (your wife) may not like weed but it really fucking helps the craving for booze. I'm so fucking happy this worked out... if you can convince her just maybe....

MY advice, would to be to go with her. don't ask, don't hesitate. tell her you want to go to a meeting to better yourself, regardless of her situation cause for real man you're an addict too, no offense. go to an AA meeting. shit, go to 5 of them until she realizes the self destruction happening and this will in turn redefine her OUTLOOK OF HERSELF. which when it comes to the apples and oranges of addictions is the real problem at hand. everyone has a vice for one reason or another and hers, for whatever reason is drinking. just as yours is smoking for spinal pain. and any excuse legitimate or not can be used for a vice. (oh doctor i broke my wrist... 3 months later.. oh doctor can i get stronger meds, i fell on my wrist again. BEEN THERE AND BACK MAN trust ad believe that) after you get a feel for the meeting start talking in a positive light about them and how much good they are offering you're mental. tell actual stories you hear. explain how opening your mind has given you more appreciation of the kids or just the relationship in general.

any sane, loving human in their right mind that sees someone they have loved FOR 14 YEARS try to better not only themselves, but their spouse even if just for the sake of her and kids, that person would HAVE to be unstable to not make the self realization and see what has happened. i promise you that if you threaten her with a real life scenario she might just be willing to understand (given she is sober to hear) imply the idea of divorce for the GREATER GOOD OF THE KIDS.

once you assume YOU'RE ROLE. and yes it is now yours as a parent to uphold, it is no longer your job to care about yourself until the next generation of humans has been raised effectively and productively! if EITHER one of my parents ever was addicted to anything you bet i would be ashamed and you bet i would rebel so look forward to that. my mother smoked cigarettes until the day she died and still to this day you will see me cheifing a cig every ten minutes. STRONG HABITS DIE HARD. and alcoholism is one of the strongest because of its legality. also consider alcoholism in the family, it plays a lot on genetics and addictive reception in our brains.

as a single parent just the thought of this makes me sick and i will pray and hope for the best. because i have been addicted to many things myself, some for years at a time. and out of sheer selflessness i never had kids in my addiction because thats one of the worst cases of mental abuse a child can go through. and the end result of raising another soul CLEAN AND SOBER is will worth the half ass effort it takes to get clean compared to raising a child. trust me.

if wore comes to worse give me your address and i will personally report both of you to DFS because its fucked up that two functioning addicts are raising my country's next generation of kids

this all coming from a sociology and human relationship major growing up with a substance abuse counselor mother and a wife beating father. spent over 4 years in rehab. all in all i wish you both the best because it seems like you actually give a fuck and thats what the world needs. be the strong man you obviously are. shit i couldn't live more than 4 years with my baby's mother.

god speed my brother. and good luck. remember, love really is all you need ad you have to WANT to quit to do it.

i have a very hard time agreeing with anyone else more but its not always that simple with other lives in play ww.

and as far as personal experiences go mine will trump yours so feel a little better about yourself.

i was living out of independence, mo doing lots of meth and heroin with my girlfriend. for over 4 years we railed, banged, and shot up anything we could find. one day i accidentally got her pregnant and throughout the pregnancy was planning for an abortion. only to blow every $5, $10, $15 or $20 i had on glass. needless to say the baby came, with only minor health defects (thank whatever god is out there) and the day my baby Maddie was born i quit using. my girlfriend, didn't. so without ONE SECONDS HESITATION I filed for custody and easily won.

now over the years she has tried to get clean and tried to come back into play. for a solid 9 months she was keeping her use so sneakily hidden from me i even let her move back in. and i will personally, until the day i dies vouch for the fact that CHILDREN RAISED IN POVERTY OR AROUND POVERTY LEVEL WILL NOT SUCCEED ULTIMATELY. look at any ghetto for an irrelevant example. if you're child sees mommy passed out drunk off the bottle, bet your ass he will want to be just like her when he gets to highschool.

if you (not you personally, or anyone here) cant give up a drug, and alcohol is a drug, for a life that by only your decision has been made, i feel like you deserve nothing short of death. take some advice and try your hardest to help because two parents will always raise a child better than one. "takes a village.." but to me it sounds like 14 years of alcohol and pain killers has done no good. i might suggest leaving if it applies, cause yes, you bet your hard earned check that its hard. but what is greater than raising someone who not only loves you as a protector, but will always cherish you as an example and role model for their life?

nothing. i can promise you that. no weed, no pills, no lsd can compare to true unbridled blood love man.

Animal Ramble Plantation said:

i have a very hard time agreeing with anyone else more but its not always that simple with other lives in play ww.

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I agree, some decisions take years to make. So does asking for forgiveness for what we have done to ourselves and to others. Some never reach that place, some go beyond.

For us to witness what she did to our daughter shattered the whole family. For her the bottom never came, even when our daughter died in her home. I consider my step-children my children so it tore me to pieces.

Sometimes you have to leave for survival and you'll know if and when that time comes.