CAT, Spider Mites, Ruined & Stolen Crops WARNING

Roseman said:

The prupose of this thread was not to poke fun at newbies. I swear.

It wa to help the newbies that always make the same mistakes.

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1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
10. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
27. Got high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine poisoning from too many Mountain Dews
28. Mountain Dew powered car thing didn't work out, went back to read pot message board, figured I might be a w33d b4R0n yet
29. Read on pot board about growing plants under blue & red LEDs in pure molasses, figured this is the way of the future
30. Stole 50 LED brake lights for the red ones and stole a few mobile phones for the blue ones
31. Planted 1272 seeds in Miracle Gro soil with a couple bags of Osmocote and some 10-50-10 orchid ferts tossed in to make sure nothin starves
32. 17 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
33. Figured the plants wasnt carbo-loading enuff, so put a kilo of cooked spaghetti on the plants
34. Spaghetti looked naked, added bolognaise sauce
35. 2 weeks pass before the plants work out that there's any light comin from the LEDs
36. Phones hung around the seedlings keep ringin in the middle of the night, fucken annoying
37. Plants get stretchy, fall over and die again
38. Mould seems to like the molasses, decided to become a m0uld b4R0n instead
39. Accidentally got some mould up my nose, turned out to be 'magic' mould, kinda sykadelic and shroomy
40. Tripped for 3 days, watched my fridge turn into a white whale which called himself Kelvinator the Magnifacent and drank up all my bongwater
41. Came down long enough to build a hydroponic magic mould grow op
42. Got all me mates higher than Jesus on magic mould, suddenly couldn't grow enuff of it
43. Me mates started a bidding war for the magic mould and I became an overnite Ebay millionaire, fucken ace!
44. Government made 'magic' mould illegal the very next day, protesters hit the streets with 'DON'T BREAK THE MOULD' signs
45. Cops busted me for proceeds of crime, took me money and let me go
46. Got stoned and went back to read pot board, read all about light spectrum and flowervegging
47. Planted 1639 seeds in wool, threw in some rocks, cos Big W don't have rockwool, figured its close enuff
48. Worked out the right light colour for vegflowering (a kinda reddish blue) and made up a piccie in my stolen copy of Fotoslop wot was the rite colour
49. Stole a half dozen real big computer monitors and connected them all to me computer, pointed me monitors at the plants
50. 18 sprouted, fucken ace!
51. Rocks I threw in the wool turned out to be limestones which musta pHucked the pH or something
52. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
53. Got stoned and tried to work out how to sell bags of stretchy, dead seedlings to pot virgins
54. Tried to sell a bag to a real noob, he reckoned I was tryin to stiff him so he busted my jaw
55. Real annoyed here in the hospital, I can get high but can't eat no corn chips with me jaw wired shut
56. Worked out how to eat corn chips thru a tube, lawyer man from Doritos calls up and offers to buy me out
57. Sold me corn-chips-thru-a-tube idea for millions, fucken ace!
58. Got sued by some wanker from Urinistan for patent infringement on his sugar-beet chips thru a tube invention, Howard's new free trade agreement let the bastard take everything but me bong
59. Found out where Howard was doin his morning walk, chucked me bong at him and yelled at the bastard a lot
60. In jail now, Ruddock sez I'm a terrierist doper, Andrews is tryin to deport me to me homeland but he can't work out wot country Wollongong's in
61. Got chucked out to Nauru til my immigration thing gets fixed by the suits
62. Bloody noice weather here in Nauru, local ganja is the bizness, learnin how to grow from these cool islander dudes workin as guards here at the detention camp, this week's lesson is about to how to sprout seeds right
63. That Rudd guy got elected and all of a sudden he shuts down the bloody Nauru camp, stopping me dope growin school
64. Just this week worked out how to feminise seeds with piss from a pregnant Nauruan tiger vole when they shut down the Spacific Solution and chucked me out to Christmas Island
65. Pissed orf, looked all over this damn island, can't find Santa anywhere, total ripoff
66. Tiger vole scratches finally healin up, they don't like bein messed with much when there pregnant
67. Some bright spark works out the Wollongong's in Australia so they sent this Oceanic Viking boat out to get me and take me back home
68. On the way home we caught up with these badarse Sea Shepard pirate dudes, so I jumped on there Steve Erwin boat, forced them to smoke Nauru Nitemare joints and demanded they hold me hostage
69. Capn Paul was sorry but he didn't need no hostages and could I please just piss orf cos he had shit to do and whales to shave
70. After that these mad stoned Sheperd dudes jumped on this Jap whale boat, totally messed with them and got taken hostage, works out they got the whole idea from me, fucken ace!
71. So I'm fineally back home, found out wile I was gone that some seeds I chucked out the back yard sprouted and grew bitchen plants
72. Plants flowered like mad cos I accidently spilled a bag of cow poo on the yard
73. While I was away, the plants dried natcherly and yielded POUNDAGE, fucken ace!
74. Too bad this all happened 2 weeks before I got home but by then the whole suburb was higher than Jesus after some dude named Cory in yellow sunnies threw a house party at my place while I was still lookin for Santa
75. Tryin to work out how plants grew so good without the minit-by-minit help of a w33d b4R0n like myself
76. Ran out of Nauru Nitemare, smoked up all the roaches Cory left around here now out of smoke again
77. Was usin this one pot forum where there sponsor was sellin this legal 'herbal cannabis' stuff
78. Couldn't find nuthn bad about legal herbs on this board so I figured I'd buy a couple pounds
79. Was like smokin pencil shavings and oregano but I got banned off the forum anyway when I told everyone about it
80. Had to get my money back out of the shit so I sold it to some noob
81. Noob smoked some of the pencil shavings and oregano and came back and punched me out for sellin him crap
82. I showed him the fancy magazine ad for these "ULTrA Hy-DRO BuDz," he still wuzint impressed
83. Back to square one, got to find a way to hide my grow from my mom, read on this pot forum about growing in a computer box
84. Stole a computer and some CFLs, put computer fanz in the thing and a carbon filter
85. Planted 1837 seeds, 4 came up, fucken ace!
86. All of em but one got stretchy, fell over and died
87. One of em kept on goin for 3 months, actcherly turning into bud!!
88. Got 10 WHOLE GRAMS of bumfluff and leaf after 4 months, fucken ace!
89. Smoked it in 20 minutes, gave me a headache, went lookin for more seeds
90. Found a buncha seeds cowering under the couch, I guess they seen wot happened to the others and were hopin I didn't find em
91. Decided to use good garden shop sense, planted 2012 seeds in Osmocote potting soil with a pound of Osmocote cos it never burns plants
92. 18 sprouts came up, fucken ace!
93. Plants are lookin like someone put em in a toaster, cant be the pound of Osmocote I put in the teaspoon of soil, it says its time released, dammit!
94. Decided I better wash the Osmocote out of the soil, took a week, but the teaspoon of soil I mixed with the pound of Osmocote is still stuck to the roots, sorta, I guess, they're all nice & brown
95. Tryin to work out how much light to give em, mebbe part of the day outside and part under some tanning bed lites I stole
96. Some smart guy on this cannabis forum told me my tanning lites was junk and to go read the GrowFAQ, I reckon he was just bein a jerk cos I've done this all before and I know better so I didn't listen
97. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
98. Mom just yelled at me for taken the innards out of her computer and wants to know why theirs pots of soil where her hard drive should be and by the way wot happened to all her god dam Osmocote
99. I got to mow the lawn for the next twelve years to pay mom back for the computer and all the missing Osmocote
100. Petrol can has a leak so I gotta push the mower to the servo to fill it up, on the way spotted a weed plant growing in some bushes a bit off the road
101. It looked lonely, like it needed the help of a w33d b4R0n like myself so I stole some birth control pills off my mom to make sure it gets feminised
102. Since it was off the road a bit and kinda private and I knew it wasn't gonna get pregnant, I decided to have a wank on the plant
103. Just when I got goin good this joker comes tearin out of the bushes yellin wot am I doin to his poor plant?!
104. I didnt know it was somebodys plant, I thot it had just kinda escaped and gone feral or something
105. Guy told me if I ever messed with his plant again he would make me into Osmocote
106. Went home and mowed the lawn and thort about Plan C
107. Got bored, went back to pot forum, no one would talk to me cos they said I don't no much about growin weed
108. Made a new account name to make me sound more impotent... no thats not rite I mean IMPORTANT not impotent
109. I'll show em all by posting that I can clone a leaf, which I cant but it sure sounds impressive
110. When the jerks tell me it cant be done and to post my proof I tell them they are all stupid fucken idiots and a lot more dum than me, heheh THAT will show em that I am a w33d b4R0n and they are NOT
111. My stradegy worked, now no one questions my l33t sk1llz no more, in fact they dont talk to me at all
112. Got tired of no one paying attention so I made a sokpuppet account to agree with myself
113. No one wuz fooled, god dam shit sonofabitch, pissin me off
114. Got stoned and tried to clone sum stolen leafs under pure UV light
115. Leafs wilted, fell over and died so I busted some fly w33d b4R0n moves on its ass and called it nasty names like sayin its mum was a god dam begonia
116. Got caught going back to steal more leafs by the guy who saw me having a bat on his plant, back in hospital again, feeling about like a bag of Osmocote
117. Having me jaw wired up getting pretty old, wonder if there should be a Plan D
118. Out of the horspital now, went back to the pot bored to see if ne1 missed me, they did, they sed it had been nice and quiet without me
119. So I desided it wuz as good a time as eny to argue wif the stoners, told em I had a perpetual motion masheen wot gives me free energy from fermented dog poo for my 5000 whatt gro lite
120. Thoze smart guys just told me I am an idiot like usual but I dont care, its fun to get ther gotes so I told em to blow on my brass ballz
121. Out of weed agin, cant get the brass ball blowers to give me none, wonder why
122. Bored, decided to go bowling, found a couple pounds of seeds I hid in the boling ball bag mebbe 5 years ago and fergot about, they looked happey to see me but mabey they were just nervus
123. Planted 2256 seeds in pure bat shit, my 2000 LEDs and the 5000 what security lite I found on that footy stadium waznt workin out so I thot those CLF lites wood be the next big thang, at least thats wot I toled everywun on the pot bored
124. Got 172 CLF lites goin in a shoe box, nuthins sprouted after a munth so I gave em some mole asses
125. Moles union got wind of it, now there out front picketing my place for mole abuse
126. I promised em I wood switch to pancake suryp instead of mole asses, so they quit protestin and smoked a joint of there mole buds with me, witch tasted a lot like mole asses, raisin my suspishins that there just keepin the truth frum me
127. 9 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
128. Figured they wasn't getting enuff c02 so I chucked a couple pounds of dry ice in the shoebox with the FCLs witch is now smoking cool as fuck with all the fog and stuff, liek sumfing out uv a hore movey
129. Came back later and the seedlings looked all frosty like they was freez dryed or something
130. Obveusley they needed moar c02 so I pored in sum brewer yeest and waited a wile
131. Started smellin like a brewry in there witch made me kinda thirsty so I pored a nice frosty mug of the goo drippin out of the shoebox, tasted a bit like beer but the bat shit made it a bit too tangy
132. Seedlings got stretchy, fell over and died
133. I reckin that them fancy LCFs were to blame so I wint out and stole 40 moar of them
134. Gettin hard to fit in moar than 200 FLCs in me shoebox, gotta upsize to the big leauge, so I stole me a breadbox
135. bonus! still had bred in it, good thing cos I was starvin, so I made a sammich
136. Worried that the coppers will think I'm a comershal w33d b4R0n with me huuuuuge new grobox, painted it white to make it look smaller, cos evrywun noes all the really big ones are black
137. Got 211 CFCs in me bredbox, dam its brite in their, pirty hot too, should make the ladies get fat as a trailer park blojob queen in nuthin flat
138. Planted 2467 seeds in 50% dogshit, 50% catshit and 50% fishshit
139. Toled evrywun on the pot bored about my new hi-output bredbox, stoopid moarons on pot bored think it will neva work and that I am real bad at math
140. I got my sokpupit to tell me I wuz doin grate things to advans the art of growing doap so then I felt a little better
141. 6 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
142. 4 of them looked around & sed holeeeeee fuck and ducked rite back in there shells, little chickenshits, I sed
143. The other 2 got stretchy, fell over and died
144. Bredbox was still pritty hot so I stole sum of my lil sisters E-Z Bake oven stuff and made cupcakes
145. Cupcakes was OK sept for they smelt a little like catdogfishshit
146. Not sher wear to go next but its 4:20 and I gotta go think about it fer a wile

toledoricky said:

that is probably the longest reply ever... funny tho it is...

if i need an answer i usually google the question i have. the first results almost always point to an answer at RIU. google searches this site better than the board's internal search function does.

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GypsyBush said:

I just could not help myself...

Originally posted by:



Al B. Fuct

once had a dog named
Mr. Ganja

How not to grow dope




That was the funniest fucking thing i have ever read.. i woke up my wife, and blew the water out of my brand new bong.

perfection

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420weedman said:

lol... i like the ones "came home, lights fell killed my plant"
and you look and theres cfls duct taped to a piece of cardboard..... rofl "i have no idea how that could of happened ?"

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