Ye, that's it I'm not 100% sure I want it, it's like something really normal that needs to be done.. in fact in my head it's not that big of a deal.. like my friends are talking a couple of months ahead and ask me something and I'm thinking to myself "Hmm.. I don't think I'd be still around.. what am I gonna say?". It's kind of weird actually the way I regard this as not a big deal.i can dig that. It's like, you don't know if you absolutely want to kill yourself, but if you do decide to, you don't want people trying to stop you. While i admire sensitivity to those that would be left behind, guilt is a pretty weak motivation for survival. It can lead to some trippy thoughts man. Some people start to resent their loved ones for keeping them trapped in this life they no longer want any part of.
Your doc is right imo, you gotta live for you--find something that makes you happy--besides those plants. Another hokey (but effective--trust me) suggestion: go help somebody. Donate a Saturday morning of your time to work in a soup kitchen. Sometimes helping others can be a trememdous mood lifter.
And I can't even get out of bed for school.. let alone to help people lol. And most people who need help here are immigrants.. and I hate them with a passion so there's no way I'm helping them