Kids say the darndest things...

Kid's and their lack of filter make for some pretty funny moments sometimes. And I figured since a lot of us here seem to have offspring maybe this thread could be a breath of fresh air amongst all the vitriol here as of late. Really no format. Just something funny your kid did. Or a story from their youth or something. I don't know I'm just trying to waste server space and drive the economy really...

I was making coffee today and asked my wife, who was right next to me at the table, if she wanted a cup. But I accidentally called her by my daughter's name and then suddenly we hear from the bathroom "No daddy I don't want any coffee I'm not an adult geez!". Lol.

My twins were maybe 3 yrs old. There was this large overstuffed chair with the back slightly canted rearward and the kids liked to climb up the back and slide down the front. Wifey didn't like them doing it. Wife was in her sewing room, wasn't looking but could hear them playing on the chair so she said "I see what you are doing!" One of the kids answers "Then close the damned door". Both wife and me were howling with laughter

Great thread idea..

I told my daughter to get her shoes so we could go to park.

Her: daddy I can only find one shoe.
Me: well you need two shoes to go to park
Her: that's the problem, I can only find one. Lol

My daughter had the toughest time with the word "cranky". Once when she was just freshly two, she warned me to be careful around Mommy; "she is being kinky this morning".

My son used the same word for "fork", truck" and "clock". My mother-in-law would wince each and every time. He learned slowly, lol
A train was a "choo-choo truck" but it would come out as a big doo-doo fuck!

The little one says excitedly "look there's 2 Snow Whites. That one is weird! Her eyes are brown and her eyes are blue. And look Dopey has eyelashes. I think that Dopey is a woman!". Haha aww man she fucking cracks me up.

My little son got me good.a couple weeks ago. We were laying around watching t.v and I heard a knock at the door. It was my mail man needing me to sign for mail. Well as I was signing my son depantsed me. I didn't have no underwear On. Fuck I never been so embarrassed in my life.



Today my other son tells me. Hey dad can you make me a PNJ sandwich. I tell him wait your mom will be here in a min. He says but dad it's real easy all you have to do is get two pieces of bread some peanut butter and jelly. You had hear how he said it I was rolling. After I'm making the sandwhich I'm thinking to myself If this so easy why the fuck he ain't making it.

Ok here is another, she was playing with her "my little pony" stuff..

Her: daddy this pony is translucent
Me: what did you say
Her: this pony is translucent, that means see through.. lol she is hilarious.. I got stories for days..

When my son was 4 year old, he was really worried about a young squirrel that lived in their tree. He liked to feed and talk to it, but apparently it was ill and wasn't eating or moving much. When I went to pick up my boy from his mom's place, he was standing in the driveway over the dead squirrel. He was forlorn, but taking it like a little man. Their neighbor, a nice, milfy lady, came out to console him. She said, 'don't worry, honey, the squirrel is in heaven now.' My boy replied, 'I don't think there's a heaven, and I really don't think squirrels go there.' She said, 'Well, where do you think the squirrel is now?' He pointed at the squirrel and replied, 'Right there...'

tyler.durden said:

When my son was 4 year old, he was really worried about a young squirrel that lived in their tree. He liked to feed and talk to it, but apparently it was ill and wasn't eating or moving much. When I went to pick up my boy from his mom's place, he was standing in the driveway over the dead squirrel. He was forlorn, but taking it like a little man. Their neighbor, a nice, milfy lady, came out to console him. She said, 'don't worry, honey, the squirrel is in heaven now.' My boy replied, 'I don't think there's a heaven, and I really don't think squirrels go there.' She said, 'Well, where do you think the squirrel is now?' He pointed at the squirrel and replied, 'Right there...'

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Fantastic!

tyler.durden said:

When my son was 4 year old, he was really worried about a young squirrel that lived in their tree. He liked to feed and talk to it, but apparently it was ill and wasn't eating or moving much. When I went to pick up my boy from his mom's place, he was standing in the driveway over the dead squirrel. He was forlorn, but taking it like a little man. Their neighbor, a nice, milfy lady, came out to console him. She said, 'don't worry, honey, the squirrel is in heaven now.' My boy replied, 'I don't think there's a heaven, and I really don't think squirrels go there.' She said, 'Well, where do you think the squirrel is now?' He pointed at the squirrel and replied, 'Right there...'

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I had one that woke me up when he was 11. Apparently his research into turtle geometry convinced him the universe was no longer expanding but contracting and with only 4 billion years or so left to live I had to hear about it at the butt crack of dawn.

Come on @Bob Zmuda and @dangledo give us a new dad story! And any other @newdadz I missed.

neosapien said:

Come on @Bob Zmuda and @dangledo give us a new dad story! And any other @newdadz I missed.

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well... My baby can't talk yet.

But she sure as fuck likes to spray fecal matter at me!

Baby R. Kelly over here.

neosapien said:

Come on @Bob Zmuda and @dangledo give us a new dad story! And any other @newdadz I missed.

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he is a noise making fool so far. lots of coo noises and smiles, so weve got a happy baby.

oh and sneeze shits. almost every time. as soon as we lay him down he fires off 3-4. doc says its just so dry so sneezing is nothing of concern.

so we give him a saline nasal spray, and it finally knocked something loose a day or so later. went in after i heard him scream his elk call and he had snot down both nostrils into his mouth and was munching on it. that grossed me out more than seeing my wifes guts on the table.

hasnt had a blow out through the diapers, so im really looking forward to that

When my son was little, when he remembered stuff from the past he would call it a flash back lol

dangledo said:

hasnt had a blow out through the diapers, so im really looking forward to that

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Sometimes I would lay down my boy to change his diaper only to discover the shit blew out the back of his diaper up to his shoulder blades. How the fuck he managed that is beyond me. I don't really understand the physics involved in such a display of force.@unclebaldrick and @sunni , please come share some anecdotes...

One time I took the fam to blockbuster to rent movies. We're lookin and my son tells my wife he has to go potty my wife tells him to hold it were almost home.as I'm looking he is in front of me looking touching all the movies. I see a giant turd roll down the side of his leg and on to the floor. It was just the right slump like a banana.i told my wife look. We're trying not to laugh were looking to see if anyone sees. we High tailed out of there like we just did a dine and dash. Man till this day me and my wife get a kick out of that. I still wonder what happened to the turd.




A long time ago me and my boy were driving. I glance in the rear view at him and I see him eating a hamburger. I thought to myself I didn't see him with the burger. A couple days later I see him eating fries. I pull over and search the car to try and find food. Bc I didn't like food in my ride. I tell my wife and she says she noticed the same thing. A week goes by and she says come here. She says look takes the tape off his diaper and expose's him . I look and he has half a cookie stashed in his diaper. When both boys fight. They bring up both incidents.

Sitting here with my daughter and she says, daddy watch this.. she grasps her glasses and starts repeatedly raising and lowering them from her eyes to her forehead as she says " clear, blurry" lol

Back in business..

Daughter gets home from school ( kindergarten) and says " I'm frustrated and fed up" mom asks why and she says " cuz school takes to long to be over".. lol

my grandson likes ham for breakfast.
Every morning he would ask for ham.

Me- today we are having swine for breakfast.
Him, as huffy and defiant as a 5yr old can - I'm not eatin swine. nobody eats swine. What does it taste like?