Lets Hear Some JOKES!

Two guys worked side by side on an assembly line that was almost totally automated so they didn't have anyone else to talk to other than each other.

Whatever one guy would talk about the other guy always had to top it. When the first guy started getting into hobbies everything he got into the second guy would start doing it too and he always had to top the first guy. It was model railroading and then radio controlled cars and then radio controlled planes, and the second guy always had stories about what he was doing that topped what the first guy said he was doing.

Then the first guy got into hunting and bought a hunting dog, a really good, really well trained one, and he knew this time the second guy couldn't even try to say he could top him.

Sure enough the second guy said he started hunting and that he bought the best dog in the world. He went on and on about the dog making it sound better than a combination of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Benji.

Finally the first guy had enough of it and said, this weekend we're taking our dogs and going hunting and we'll see who has the better dog.

On Saturday they drove out into the country and started walking through fields and small patched of woods and the dogs were just ahead of them noses to the ground sniffing away.

The second guy's dog, the dog of the guy who bragged so much stopped, pointed and tapped his owner on the leg once with his tail. The second guy asked, did you see that?

The first guy said, sure, so what?

The second guy said, he's saying there's one bird in that bush.

The first guy said, right, how stupid do you think I am? Do you think I would really believe that?

The second guy said, make some noise.

The first guy walked a little closer to the bush and stomped around a bit and one bird flew out and bang, he got it.

The first guy was stunned. He thought maybe the second guy wasn't lying about his dog being really great after all.

They walked for about 45 minutes without anything happening and by then the first guy had convinced himself that it had been a fluke, something that happened by pure chance and it would never happen again.

Suddenly the second guy's dog stopped, pointed and this time the dog tapped his owner on the leg twice with his tail.

The second guy asked, did you see that?

The first guy said, yes, but so what?

The second guy said, he's telling me that there's two birds in that bush.

The first guy said, give it up, I'm not that stupid, the first time was a fluke, there aren't two birds in that bush.

The second guy said, make some noise.

Again the first guy moved closer to the bush and made some noise and two birds flew out and bang, bang, they each got one.

Now the first gut is totally stunned. He's thinking that the second guys dog is even way better than the way the second guy had bragged about it.

They walked for almost two hours with nothing happening and the first guy had been thinking about it and decided that it was still a fluke the first time and a coincidence the second time. He knew that no dog could be that good.

About then the second guy's dog stopped, pointed and then turned around and started humping away like mad on his owners leg.

The first guy dropped his shotgun and fell to the ground and was rolling around laughing and said, what's he telling you now?

The second guy said, he's telling me there's so fucking many birds in that bush that he can't count them all.

General Custer's widow decided she wanted a large painting made that would capture her late husbands last thoughts before he died. She went to a famous artist and explained what she wanted and asked him if he could capture her late husbands last thoughts on canvas.

He thought about it a while and said he could do it. It would take him several months because of the scale of the painting she wanted and the complexity of the painting, but he would contact her as soon as the painting was finished.

Several months later the artist wrote Mrs. Custer and said the painting was ready. She went to his studio and there was a single chair sitting in front of a massive painting that was covered by a large piece of cloth.

She sat down and the artist uncovered the painting and Mrs. Custer looked at it and was very puzzled and not at all happy with the painting.

The painting was a landscape of The Little Big Horn and all over the ground there were Indians having sex and up in the sky there was a large cow with a halo.

Mrs. Custer said, I don't think you understood what I wanted, I wanted a painting that would capture my husbands last living thoughts.

The artist said he had fully understood her and his painting did exactly that, it showed exactly what her husband was thinking just before he died.

She said she didn't understand it at all and asked the artist to explain it to her.

As he pointed at the large cow with a halo in the sky and the Indians having sex all over The Little Big Horn he said this is precisely what your husband was thinking.

Holy cow! Look at all the fucking Indians!

Do you know what the difference is between an old nun and a young prostitute who is taking a bath is?


One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.

In the days of the old sailing ships the Captain of a British Man of War was on deck when the call came down from the lookout in the crow's nest saying that a Spanish ship was spotted coming over the horizon.

Knowing there would be a battle the British Captain told his cabin boy to go and get his his red jacket. A sailor asked the Captain why he wore his red jacket when they went into battle.

The British Captain said, the men have to have faith that I am able to lead them for us to be successful and win every encounter and if I am wounded the blood will match my red jacket and the men will not know I am wounded and become worried and instead remain confident I can lead them to victory.

About that time the lookout in the crow's nest yelled down that five more Spanish ships were spotted coming over the horizon.

The British Captain turned to his cabin boy and said, while you're in my cabin getting my red jacket you better bring me my brown trousers too.

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?



Good morning ladies.

A guy goes to a girl's house to pick her up for a date and he gives her a dozen roses.

She said, I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.

The guy said, why, don't you have a vase?

A gay couple decide that they want to have a baby so they both jerkoff into a cup and a female friend of theirs uses it to get pregnant.

Nine months later they go to the hospital to see their new baby and one of the guys says, look at our baby, he's the best of the bunch. He's the only one that's not crying.

A nurse says, he's not crying now but wait until we pull the pacifier out of his ass.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,
I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.


The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number…
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies......Quit Laughing.

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one ......... but it takes the entire emergency room staff to remove it.

There was this meek little guy, a bookkeeper, who was only 5' 1" and 115 pounds and one day he goes into a whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants the biggest fattest blackest whore in the place. She looks at the little guy and asks him if he's sure that is what he wants and he said, the bigger and fatter and blacker the better. The madam said, ok, it's your money .... top of the stairs, first door on the right.

The little guy goes up the stairs and into the room and there is a MASSIVE fat woman covered with a sheet and she is as black as the inside of a cow's stomach and he smiled and said perfect.

She throws off the sheet and spreads her legs and the little guy stares at her a moment and the moves to another part of the room and stares a little more and then he climbs on a chair and stares down at her a while and keep doing this until the whore said, it's your time and money but if we're going to have sex we'd better get started before your time runs out.

The little guy said, I'm sorry, you have me all wrong, I'm not here for sex. My wife wants to paint the house black with pink shutters and I just want to see what it would look like.

A guy goes to a whorehouse but he's only got $5.00 so he asked the madam what he could get for $5.00. She said, we've got a dead whore, you can have her for $5.00.

The guy was not thrilled but he was so horny he agreed. He went to the room with the dead whore and he drilled the hell out of her.

When he was finished and leaving the madam asked him how it was. He said, actually it wasn't bad, but she kept drooling and her nose was running.

The madam said, oh, she must be full again.

An older father and middle aged son were sitting on the front porch of their shack in the hills of Kentucky. Between them their old hound dog was lying on the porch licking it's dick. The son said; "Gee daddy, I sure wish I could do that," and the father replied; "I wouldn't do that if I were you, son, that dog might bite you.

A young man from the hills of Tennessee got married. Early the next morning his father walks out of his house and finds his son sitting on the front porch. The son said, "do you want to do fishing?" The father replied; "sure," so they went fishing.

After a few hours the father said; "son, you know how much I love spending time with you and you know how much I love fishing, but you got married yesterday, shouldn't you be with your wife on your honeymoon right now?"

The son replied;" Well, I thought I would be but as soon as we got to our motel we went to have sex and I found out that my wife is still a virgin, so I walked out and came home."

The father asked, "Why?"

The son replied; "Shoot, daddy, if she ain't good enough for her own family she sure as Hell ain't good enough for ours!"

a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says...."hey buddy, what's with the long face?"

A man walks into his house with a sheep on a leash, walks up to his wife and says; "this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife said; "that's not a pig, that's a sheep." The husband replied; "I wasn't talking to you."

The guys on a trip got lost way out in the country and were running low on gas so they figured they would stop at the next house they saw and ask if they could spend the night. They spotted a house, pulled in the driveway and went to the door and knocked. An older man answered and they explained their situation and the older man said they could stay, but he only had one extra bed and they would have to share it.

It wasn't exactly what the three guys had hoped for but they said sure, thanks.

The next morning they all woke up and a guy that slept on one side of the bed said he had the oddest dream. He said all night long he was dreaming that someone was jerking him off. The guy that slept on the other side of the bed said, that's odd, I had the very same dream. The guy that slept in the middle said, not me. I all night long I had a dream that I was snow skiing.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”