need some family advice about an abused child

Hey all I have a situation with a niece of mine and dont really know what to do.
I am 24, she "jane" is 13 and i think she may be crushing over me lol.

so here is the background:

my wife's sister is married to a man who has 2 children 1girl(13 years old) and 1 boy(10 years old)

he and the kid's mom split when the boy was just 1, she lived on an indian reservation and the court there gave her sole custody with not even visitation for the dad. after 8 years of fighting he finally got visitation granted and began seeing these kids on weekends. after a while we noticed they acted kind of "odd" so the dad and my sister in law had them see a child social worker who found out that their mom had been letting her boyfriend touch the kids.

long story short, he got custody and mom and the boyfriend are both in prison for a while and lost all legal rights to them.

now the girl lives with my mom and dad in law because the social workers said it would be best to keep her and the boy seperated until they are done with these programs for abused kids so they dont act out or anything.

she has been in our lives for about 2 years total and in her dads custody for about 1 year. when we all hang out or the kids stay out at our house or anything, most of my time is spent wrestling around and rough housing with my other 6 nephews. when she comes too i basically treat her the same as any of the others(roughhouse, give em too much soda ect.)

about 6 months ago her family moved and so they stayed with us for a week, in that time she once came out to my garage in a pair of lingere of my wife's. when asked why she did it she said she thought all men wanted to see her like that. needless to say i put a halt on that situation and later me my wife and her dad and stepmom all had a talk with her about it. now everyone says she feels safe around me because of how i handled that situation. so...

this weekend she and our 6 year old nephew stayed with me and my wife, we all got along and what not but my wife said that she was "eyeballing" me all weekend, and said that she doesn't get along with or listen to any of the other men in the family like she does with me.


so the way i saw it was that if she feels comfortable/safe enough with me to listen and play around with me maybe i could help her with some the her non abuse related problems(typical teenage bs) because if anyone else tries to talk to her about anything she shuts off. but my wife feels that it would be dangerous because of her past and if she did like me more than what is appropriate or if she tried something and i turned her down maybe she would just make up something.

so i am stuck, i want to be there and help my niece and have a relationship but i dont want to ever have something get said about me to have me branded a molester or whatever.
what do yall think i should do?

lol thats pretty much the situation fdd lol.

Damned if damned if you don't. That sucks. I'm glad to hear her other parents allmost got what they deserved (ppl like that should be shot!!). Hopefully she got the point when you had the lingerie incident. I wish I had some good advise. It's going to be touchy no matter what u do. Good luck..

yea when we found out i loaded up one ak and 2 sks' and told her dad just give me an address. i was dead serious too, fucks like them dont deserve life.
but yea either i try to be a good uncle and take the risk of her trying or making up something, or i blow her off and take the risk of her trying or making up something or becoming what she statistically will be.

I don't know what I could really say about this man . . . . all i can say is that you have to be VERY VERY careful about how you go about this.

she's probably feeling feelings she doesn't understand or know how to define, perhaps if you guys talk about them and you try to openly rationalize the reasoning with her it might help her out.

but I don't know, we're in serious need of a psychologist here .

messed up story...
you need to talk to her about that and see what she says and if she do have a crush on you try to help her understand that its not the way she should be acting and tell her again that what happened to her in the past was not the way things are supposed to happen. She seems confused about things and how to act from what you've been saying, I would talk to her if I were you thats for sure.

yea i agree i should talk to her about it but how, her whole family already acts like she is a weirdo/nut so if i talk with them about it i feel like they may take it over the top and end up fuckin her up even more lol but, if a keep it away from them could that look bad on me? idk, the way i feel personally is that she should have someone she feels she can confide in with anything and know it wont get out. i just wish she wanted that person to be my wife not me lol, but then again my wife will bring it all up to her family and i dont think that is right either.

well no shit she acts weird shes been abused shes prob confused as hell about life, just talk to her not her family it wouldn't be wrong to help her, you cant just not due nothing that would just make things worse...

i would do my best not to spend too much time alone with this young lady. i would talk to her about everything you can to help her, but make sure you ALWAYS have a lady friend with you. the rumors alone will ruin you all. if you know what i mean. but she sounds like she could use a good friend.

Wow thats a rock and a hard place if i ever heard one.
Unfortunitly she could ruin your life.
My first thoughts are if you do talk with her.
It needs to be video taped or supervised. To protect yourself.
The men in prison will handle the bad molestors. Trust me men in prison hate anyone who hurts a child.
He is probably being butt raped by a large inmate as we speak.
And who knows what the mom is eating.

yea guys i agree i think i will do what aba and fdd said. its a messed up situation but if nothing is done she is gona be worse off later in life. i will try to talk either around another lady or somewhere there is a camera(our garage has 24/7 recording and is stored because of our business so maybe in there if she wont open up around another person.

and as to them in prison, the guy as it turns out has done time twice before for molestation so this is his third strike but the mom will probly be out in like 6 months but she lost all parental rights.

fdd2blk said:

i would do my best not to spend too much time alone with this young lady. i would talk to her about everything you can to help her, but make sure you ALWAYS have a lady friend with you. the rumors alone will ruin you all. if you know what i mean. but she sounds like she could use a good friend.

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good advice here . . . . those rumors can be very very dangerous with girls like this.

keeping a witness there at all times will be good damage control.

From the sounds of it your a good man.
And your neice is lucky to have you.
I know more than i care to about this kinda stuff.
Imo a trusted ear could help her alot.
You said 3rd strike so hes in cali.
Hes fucked litterally.

thanks all for the good advice. +rep all around

That's a tough situation, but it sounds like you're going about it the right way. Its going to take her a long time to learn that not all men are going to try and take advantage of her. The only other thing I could think you could do would be if she is in counseling, talk to her counselor on your own. Maybe they would be glad to have some help from within the family.

I would continue to counsel her with good advice and keep her around family, no need for you to be worried if you make sure your NEVER, EVER alone with her.
Make it known it's not apropreiate behavior ! And that shes always welcome in your home, but with all of you there.
Get your wife more involved, but remember, this girl has been taught wrong,abused and confused, and just needs to be steered back in the right direction.
Good luck, peace

The sks's sounded good. Go with that plan. On whatever decision... Just have the sks's.

i must say. ive noticed a pattern in girls who were touched at younger ages and that is they become sexually active prematurely. at the time of her molestation for years she had unanswered questions like why did he touch me and over the years they answer the question with the best answer they can provide for themselves. and being 13 she is very immature. i had the same situation happen to me. theres no reversing it. since she will only talk to you; you cant make her stop wanting sex. instead you need to help her realize the consequences of sex and protection and to date kids her age and to teach her in a positive mannor to associate like normal teenagers do. i could tell ya more but ill stop. like i said if shes sexually active (which would be caused by premature stimalation ((molesting, touching, etc)) she will always be sexually active from that point forward just reguide her to like kids her age and dating and condoms birth control and pregnancy. shes probably interested in older guys cuz the guy who touched her were older and she thinks in her immature mind that that is what older guys want.

Unfortunately, she equates sex with affection now. So she thinks that's the only way to know someone cares for her.Help her all you can, but never be alone with her.Try having at least two witnesses at all times.