Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS

Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman
replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to
listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some
of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
August 15 - Moved to our new home in Michigan. It's so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow-covered. This is great!
September 14 - Michigan is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a walk through the woods and saw some deer. They're so graceful......the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

October 12 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 1 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 8 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 15 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's final raking it's over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Must remember to use gloves.

November 30 - What the fuck? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard.
We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight - I won. The snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I just love Michigan and the change of seasons!

December 14 - More snow last night. Can't wait for a white Christmas. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. Oh well.

December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway. Can't get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. And that fucking snowplow.......

December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling.....must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

December 25 - Merry fucking Christmas. More damn snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill him. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt that crap.

December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. Fucking gloves got wet and froze on my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of frostbite. Disfiguration is probably temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight.

December 28 - The dick-head weatherman was wrong. We got 18 OUR NEW HOME IN MICHIGANinches. At this rate it won't melt 'til summer. The plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his fucking head.

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. Fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from the fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida . I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in Michigan.
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Medical Grade

Medical Grade

Well-Known Member
This is no Bull…

DEA agent stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA agent running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......







With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The agent is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

 
YungMoolaBaby

YungMoolaBaby

Well-Known Member
[video=youtube;pIrvpn3k9A4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIrvpn3k9A4[/video]

Remi is a riot. check out more of his vids. This one in particular, is one of my favorites.
 
woodsmaneh!

woodsmaneh!

Well-Known Member
This is self explanotory but just in case check out the faces, and who said there shit don't stink


I love the last one of the Queen. :joint::bigjoint:

Prince.jpg
 
S

StonedPony

Well-Known Member
Winter Woman said:
[video=youtube;9jm9oIfZEOQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jm9oIfZEOQ[/video]
Click to expand...
Hate to even admit this.........but back in the 60s windshild wiper worked off of Vacumm from the intake manifold.......as the cars got old if it was raining and you accelarated windshield wipers would stop.....you had to let off gas to get em working again.....speed up slow down speed up slow down just to get em to work and if it was raining hard well you were fucked most time lOL....so me and my bud were on our way out of town to a concert and it rainining....well we werent makeing any headway so tied a string on one side of windshiled wiper and a nother string on the other side and had em in through the window....raise windint to almost close ...still got rain inside abit but he would pull then I would pull then he would pull then I would pull.....we made to the concert...Jefferson Airplane...was very well worth it lOL............
 
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