Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS

Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member




This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
He, of course, is known as "The Chip Monk."

I thought the chemical symbol for holy water is H2OMG
 
woodsmaneh!

woodsmaneh!

Well-Known Member
Bewildered Texas Rancher

 [FONT=&quot]While riding down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives and bombs he was carrying.[/FONT]

 [FONT=&quot]Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.[/FONT]

 [FONT=&quot]Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and the Federal Department of Homeland Security.[/FONT]

 [FONT=&quot]It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.[/FONT]

 [FONT=&quot]I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.[/FONT]
 
D

Dirty Harry

Well-Known Member
[FONT=&quot]Top Four Adult Jokes[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]







[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Fourth Place:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
His elbow goes into her breast.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]They are both quite startled.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Winner:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
[FONT=&quot]At the Bar...[/FONT]



a1.jpg


[FONT=&quot] Having already downed a few power drinks, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]she turns around, faces him, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]looks him[/FONT][FONT=&quot] straight in the eye [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and says,[/FONT]

"[FONT=&quot]Listen here, good looking,
I will screw anybody,
anytime,
anywhere,
their place,
my place,
in the car,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
front door,
back door,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
on the ground,
standing up,
sitting down,
naked or with clothes on . . .
It doesn't matter to me. I just love it.[/FONT]
​

[FONT=&quot] His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, [/FONT]




[FONT=&quot] "No kidding... I'm in Congress, too. What state are you from?"[/FONT]​
 
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