Stoner Joke

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of smoking . Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your friend gets the munchies!"



This joke is pretty funnny it is tight

I think im to stoned coz i dont get it lol

if ur friend got the munchies he would eat ur nuts man lol pretty funny

the professor obviousley doesn't smoke huh

Two old stoned hippies, Videoman and Roseman are sitting on the small boat pier, at the Okeefanokee swamp in Florida, sharing one of Videoman's Mazer Joints, getting wasted. They have removed their shoes and are dangling their feet in the warm swampy water.
Then Videoman rolls a 2nd Joint and they smoke it. After about a half hour of silence Roseman turns to Videoman and says:
Hay, Man, one of these damned alligators just bite my leg off"!!!

Videoman replies "which one?"

to which Roseman answers: "Hell, I don't know, all of these alligators look alike to me"~!!!!

One time there was this monkey, in the jungle, up in a tree, smoking a joint, getting wasted.
Down on the ground below, a lizzard, a good sized lizzard about 18 inches long, walks by and smells the smoke. He looks up and sees the money smoking a J and says

"Hey, you up there, Monkey, I wish I could hit that joint with you".

Being a cool dude and friendly and very very high, the monkey replies

"well, sure, Lizzard, can you climb this tree and get up here?"
and the lizzard says
"Yes, I am on my way up" and the lizzard climbs the tree and finishes the joint with the monkey.

Then the monkey says
" Hey, Lizzard, do you want to smoke another one?" and the lizzard says
"yea, sure, but I got cotton mouth so bad I can barely talk. Is there any water around here?"
Monkey says "yea, sure, right on the other side of those trees is a big river full of water, go get yourself a drink and hurry back and I'll have one rolled and ready when you get back" .
So the lizzard finds his way to the river, but being so stoned, he slips and falls in at the edge.
"HELP, Help" the lizzard cries, "Save me, I am drowning and I can not swim" !

About that time a ten foot long alligator swims by and yells
"Hold on little cousin, I'll save you" and the alligator swims up to the lizzard, lifts him up on his nose and carries him to the river bank and lets him go on to the land.
The lizzard says "Oh thank you, thank you cousin, I was so stoned from smoking some good reefer that I slipped and fell in the river".
The alligator says "Cousin, I wish I could smoke some good reefer too"
and the lizzard replies
"There is a very friendly monkey up in a tree with a bag full of some killer weed, on the other side of those trees. Just follow the smell, find the monkey and ask him. he's friendly and will gladly share. I'm too stoned to smoke any more".
So the alligator follows his nose to the other side of the trees, smells the smoke, looks up, and yells
"Hey, let me hit that joint with you"
the Monkey looks down and says

" Good God Lizzard, how much water did you drink? " !!!!!!!

LOL @ Roseman

I laughed so hard, thanks for that.

thats fukin hilarious dude, u got any more seems like u got alot

One time two ladies got off from work at the Manufacturing Plant.
They both lived 8 blocks away from the plant and walked to work and back home everyday. Often they shared a joint on the way home.
One very hot July day when it was 100 degrees outside, they walked home, strolling pass several houses, and after finishing a joint, one says
"danm, sister, it's hot as hell out here, it must be 110 degrees out here!"
to which the other young lady replied,
"I heard that girl! might even be 120 out here! I am hotter than Alabama Asphalt ! I wonder if it would be any cooler if we took our drawers off, you know, just to catch a breeze might help!"
To which the other lady answers "I don't know but it sure sounds like a good idea to me"
About that time, they pass a house sitting up a little higher than the sidewalk. On the front porch is 250 pound 60 year old Aunt Irene, hot and sweaty, with a half a water melon in her lap, just a eating on that melon, and her panties laying on the floor of the porch, beside her feet.
One young lady says to the other
" hey look, gal, Aunt Irene done took her panties off to catch a breeze, I wonder if she got any cooler?" and the other replies "well ask her".
so she says
"Hey, Aunt Irene, we see you done took your drawers off on this hot suunny day, did you get any cooler?
to which Aunt Irene replies
Lord, honey, I didn't even notice if I got any cooler when I took my panties off,
but it sure does keep the flies off da water melon!"

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"


Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse? A. None. Alligators can't fly.



A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home. The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave.

Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.

the one about the tv is great

A Grasshopper walks into a bar
The Barman sees the grasshopper and says, hey we got a drink named after you.
Grasshopper says,
What? you got a drink called Frank!!!

A horse walks into a Bar
The barman Says to the Horse, Whats with the Long face?

An Aussie walks into his local bar in the Outback, the Barman asks, what will it be the usual, Scotch on the Rocks,
Bloke says "Nah fuck that I just had a Gin on the Sand now the whole fuckin tribe is after me.

Q.What do you call a Nigger with a Shotgun,
A. Sir?

Q . What does an Elephant use for a Tampon?
A. A whole sheep.

Q, how do you know when a Gin is on her period?
A. She is only wearing one sock.

Q. What does a Gin use for a vibrator.
A, A beer bottle full of blow flies.

Q. what do you do to a spitting nigga? A. turn the grill down.