tired of being a scumbag but dont know how to change....

Just pondering that now, I think the reason soing something nice for someone else works, is simply because you know subconsciously, that you're doing something that will make that person like you a little more. Human beings are entirely self-centred, so I wouldn't ever suggest that the reason it works has mich to do with actually making the other person happy, but it makes US happy to make other people like us. Mm.

theexpress said:

my past haunts me.... my present plauges me... haven't told you guys a lot of the other shit.... for instance ..... I remember 3 of my unkles my father, and grand father beating me with belts when I was like 3-4 it had to be that time because my lil brother wasn't born yet... they hit me with both ends of the belt even the metal part... I don't know what I did to deserve that.. I remeber we had a huge dinning room dinner table I tried to hide under.... it didn't help... my mom came from the basement were she was doing laundry while it was happening ... I remember grabbing her leg crying in my native language because I didn't learn English until kindergarten to help me... she couldn't do nothing for me... I was beaten longer... the metal part of the belt cut into my back and thighs... I remember my skin was peeling for about almost a week after.. I rmeber being angry at my mom for not helping me... years latter when I was 9 she told me she couldn't do anything to help me or they would have beat her.... I was only 9 but I understood what she ment and that she was right... AT 9 YEARS OLD... I had to grow up fast brothers

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Wait I'll rephrase that: Makes me happy I never had any angry Dad to kick my arse, I mean.

Dribbles said:

Better you than me!

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ohh that's funny to you you fucking peace of shit!!!!!!!!!!! what if I fucking beat u with a belt until ur skin peeled for a week

someone fucking explaine to me why I gotta do hard time in prison if I were to kill these peaces of shit!!!! huh!!!!!! id just be doing the world a favor... cuzz my mothers voice in my head saying god will take car of them isn't enough...WHAT FUCKING GOD!!!!

theexpress said:

my past haunts me.... my present plauges me... haven't told you guys a lot of the other shit.... for instance ..... I remember 3 of my unkles my father, and grand father beating me with belts when I was like 3-4 it had to be that time because my lil brother wasn't born yet... they hit me with both ends of the belt even the metal part... I don't know what I did to deserve that.. I remeber we had a huge dinning room dinner table I tried to hide under.... it didn't help... my mom came from the basement were she was doing laundry while it was happening ... I remember grabbing her leg crying in my native language because I didn't learn English until kindergarten to help me... she couldn't do nothing for me... I was beaten longer... the metal part of the belt cut into my back and thighs... I remember my skin was peeling for about almost a week after.. I rmeber being angry at my mom for not helping me... years latter when I was 9 she told me she couldn't do anything to help me or they would have beat her.... I was only 9 but I understood what she ment and that she was right... AT 9 YEARS OLD... I had to grow up fast brothers

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Unfortunately it seems your mom couldn't help with the beatings because if she did, the ones she was receiving would've killed her, my grandfather would line up the family and proceed to beat the shit out of my grandmother, broke her nose 5x and his father nearly killed him during a drunken rage. Life has been kicking our collective asses for eons but that doesn't make what you're going through any easier but it does allow you solace in knowing that in fact you're not alone in this shit hole.

MojoRison said:

Unfortunately it seems your mom couldn't help with the beatings because if she did, the ones she was receiving would've killed her, my grandfather would line up the family and proceed to beat the shit out of my grandmother, broke her nose 5x and his father nearly killed him during a drunken rage. Life has been kicking our collective asses for eons but that doesn't make what you're going through any easier but it does allow you solace in knowing that in fact you're not alone in this shit hole.

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im soo sorry u had to go threw that bro....... I would never wish my life on anyone bro ... donno if they can handle it.. shit donno if I can either... it does make me feel better that im not alone and shit like this has happended to others... how fucking sad is that

lol


tentoons

DMTER said:

Dude I would quote you if I thought what you had to say would bring people up...lovin you

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Well, you can quote safe in the knowledge, that when people realize they're just animals with high IQs, they can relax a bit and stop beating-up on themselves just because they don't fit in with this fake, consumer-driven society that's permeated the western world these days.

Mind tou, I don't *advocate* running around pissing on people or beating the weak to death in the name of being an animal at heart, but neither should anybody feel there's so,ething wrong with them simply because they don't have a retard-grade level of perma-happy.

Everything runs to the cycle. The planets, reproduction, day & night, people, seqsons animals. Accept the almighty CYCLE, and everything seems perfectly normal

theexpress said:

ohh that's funny to you you fucking peace of shit!!!!!!!!!!! what if I fucking beat u with a belt until ur skin peeled for a week

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Then we would both be homo-erotic and kinky.

theexpress said:

im soo sorry u had to go threw that bro....... I would never wish my life on anyone bro ... donno if they can handle it.. shit donno if I can either... it does make me feel better that im not alone and shit like this has happended to others... how fucking sad is that

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There's nothing wrong in admitting that you find comfort in that, it's an honest reaction and one I'm glad you've mentioned. The facade most people put forth is for the benefit of others and rarely does it show the truth. I'm no angel and more likely be "one of those" that pisses you off in RL and you know what that's ok too, you're not perfect and neither am I but as a fellow human I know you've been through the ringer...why? because you're human.

theexpress said:

someone fucking explaine to me why I gotta do hard time in prison if I were to kill these peaces of shit!!!! huh!!!!!! id just be doing the world a favor... cuzz my mothers voice in my head saying god will take car of them isn't enough...WHAT FUCKING GOD!!!!

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Exactly, what god. I believe buddhism could help you on your path to happiness my friend. There is no omnipotent being in buddhism, just your own mind and how you use/control it. I highly recomend looking into some of the philosophies behind the religion. You don't have to be a practicing buddhist to better your life through the buddha's teachings. Meditation can really help you in many ways, as well as focusing on love, compassion, acceptance, etc. Try getting centered with nature more too, sunsets and sunrises are so powerfully calming it may just help you out.
Good luck to you dude.

ps, maybe get rid of all violent notions, like your finger on the trigger of a gun in your avatar.
edit- and cussing so much, creates bad karmic residue, look that term up, just knowing that will help you

heres another example of what fine fucking human beings were dealing with here... I was born with real bad asthma... you couldn't tell that now because I smoke ciggs like a chimney and copious amounts of ganj... in any case I was born with real bad asthma I almost died.... shit that would trigger my asthma would be for me cold humid air.... my slumlord unkle never turned on the heat or kept it real low when the city of Chicago would make him turn it on... my asthma acted up real bad and I was hospitalized for a few weeks.. close to death again the dr told my mom...now why the fuck did they do that to me knowing it could kill me??? why the fuck did I have to go threw all this while there children didn't... hmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!

theexpress said:

someone fucking explaine to me why I gotta do hard time in prison if I were to kill these peaces of shit!!!! huh!!!!!! id just be doing the world a favor... cuzz my mothers voice in my head saying god will take car of them isn't enough...WHAT FUCKING GOD!!!!

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You only have to do hard time if you get caught.

granted, anyone who knows you hate em would probably make it hard to get away with. But see, in nature if you were a lion cub for example, you'd just keep getting beat-on until you kicked Dads arse, and if you killled him you'd take the alpha-crown. Sadly, society deems that to be "bad".

Dribbles said:

Then we would both be homo-erotic and kinky.

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im still salty at wtf u first said.... u had some good shit to say earlier but now I want to hurt you soooo bad I can feel ur warm blood on my fists...... im trying to be cool and calm about this...... maybe you should just get off my thread for a while and prey to whoever u prey to that there isn't a way I can reach threw ur computer screen and beat ur brains out ur skull,,

theexpress said:

heres another example of what fine fucking human beings were dealing with here... I was born with real bad asthma... you couldn't tell that now because I smoke ciggs like a chimney and copious amounts of ganj... in any case I was born with real bad asthma I almost died.... shit that would trigger my asthma would be for me cold humid air.... my slumlord unkle never turned on the heat or kept it real low when the city of Chicago would make him turn it on... my asthma acted up real bad and I was hospitalized for a few weeks.. close to death again the dr told my mom...now why the fuck did they do that to me knowing it could kill me??? why the fuck did I have to go threw all this while there children didn't... hmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!

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You got a dog there broe?

Dogs are great for depression: you can spoil them rotten, and they'll never go off and fuck some other dood or anything. Like kids, but much less hastle, and they never grow up.

We all have problems and struggles and anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar !

It helps me a lot to do 1 or both of these things.....write down everything that hurts, you hate, what scares you, what pisses you the fuck off, the anguish, all the 'why can't I' everything that takes you any direction other than forward. Take that piece of paper and then burn it. As it burns envision that bull shit going away. It sounds cheesey man but I do it. It helps, once it is gone start seeing the person who YOU WANT TO BE !

Or I like to close my eyes and see a beautiful water fall flowing into the ocean...the ocean is pretty big right? I have yet to do this in person but I want to once it warms up. Take a bucket or container of water....for every hurt, sorrow, pain, or grief that that has tormented you put one drop of food coloring in it. You can make any color you want....then pour that bucket into the water fall.....see what happens? The ocean washes it all away in a matter of minuets.....let the ocean of life swallow the bull shit and let your light shine through that wonderful, magnificent soul of yours !!!!!

Some have a vision board, a wall of sorts where they put pictures and words of what they want, what they desire.....in your case take a good picture of you smiling and put it in the middle....go look in the mirror right now.....see? Do you see that !?!?!?!? That's you ! you're FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, you're FUCKING AWESOME, you my friend are one of a kind!

Can't make a clone of you, no sir, only one bad ass mother fucker like you in this world, and it's you.

theexpress said:

im still salty at wtf u first said.... u had some good shit to say earlier but now I want to hurt you soooo bad I can feel ur warm blood on my fists...... im trying to be cool and calm about this...... maybe you should just get off my thread for a while and prey to whoever u prey to that there isn't a way I can reach threw ur computer screen and beat ur brains out ur skull,,

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What do you say to stupidity like that? What you gunna do headbutt the screen? Nothing makes a person look worse than e-threats to random people online. I'll drop your thread, not because of any over-compensating e-peen farting out your mouth on your part, but lack of respect.

You're 1 human in a population of over 7,000,000,000, there are no shortage of more thoughtful people we can all be helping.

And take your rep points back clown, I don't want em.

He's not threatening violence so much as saying how he feels. If you've never been that angry I envy you.
The ideals and reality of humanity are very different. We're capable of compassion and yet are the most effective killers nature has devised.

^^^imo sharks are better killers than us...sharkweek, just sayin...
to OP,
the meaning of faith can be thought of as precisely the struggle you're going through with questions like "why did I have to suffer in this way?". Evenutally, we must either come to the recognition that experiences shape us and prepare us for further experiences. how we respond to such floods of experience is bound in a reflexive relationship to those experiences themselves (hence the possibility for cyclical experiental loops--e.g., experience a causes me fear, i take fear to experience b which shapes experience b for me, even as experience b adds to my total experience profile). Furthermore, life is non-linear despite what our waking minds tell us. You suppress more phenomenal stimuli than you consciously register so as to craft a coherent narrative of self. Hence, to return to faith, we can accept an understanding that, despite our own inability to put the pieces together now, all of our experiences are meaningful in that they contribute to what makes us who we are, or we can reject meaning altogether an assume that our individual experience is detatched, atomized, and random.
In the words of Bill Clinton, I feel your pain, but ultimately, the answer to your thread's question is a resounding "No, you can change". In fact, accommodating yourself to the understanding of existence as change itself would likely go far in helping you understand the process of change you seek. It isn't so much that you are stagnant now and need to figure out how to get going again, rather you seek a manner by which, a methodology, to direct that change in such a way as to become what you feel is less "scumbaggy." In honesty, one of the best ways to achieve this is to just throw yourself into helping someone else--even if you're struggling, reaching out in compassion and solidarity to another person suffering as much as yourself creates a bond capable of helping both parties grow.
Much love, peace and respect to you,

some people get me others don't... I have to admit im amazed at how many people do understand me somewhat and can even relate to me.... lol you guys don't even know me... but I feel the caring bro... I wish u all well.. well most of u atleast... esp some of you older heads with all that lfe experience u guys laid on me... don't think ive taken anything u guys have said on this thread or via pm forgranted.. I appreciate the advice and your own experiances... thanks for lending an ear bros