peteman990
Active Member
Hey Bubbleheads,
I just wanted to say thanks to all of you (purp, jonny, bong and anyone else i'm missing) for helping out so much during the grow. Especially Roseman and MostlyCrazy. After harvest, all the buds went into mason jars and have been curing for a while now, and they keep getting better and better. It feels to me like the longer it cures the more of a thoughtful kind of high it is, like you look inside yourself. This has helped me with my arthritis and many other issues I was having and overall just improved my quality of life.
When I came to this forum originally, I had just gotten back from Ireland and while I was there talked to the owners of a head shop and they had a mini grow op going on in there. I forget now what it was they were growing, but it gave me an idea. They also gave me a newspaper, the name also crossed my mind, but it was all about growing. The idea of actually growing became something that I really became interested in, but never seemed like something my friend (I) could feasibly do.
Then I saw on some website an advertisement about Stealth Hydro Bubbleponics. I took a look at it, read a bit more about it, and really liked the idea of it being stealth. I thought I'd just set it up in my friend's closet and let it rip. Well, as you all know that would not be enough. That's when I found the thread "Stealth Hydro Bubbleponics Systems" that Roseman lovingly created. I was amazed by how many pages there are, and the wealth of information within. It's like I hit the gold mine of growing information. This sparked an idea in my mind, that this all may be within reach. Something I have always wanted to do, it sounded like a lot of fun and the reward at the end even better.
Prior to going to Ireland, about 6 months earlier my best friend died in a car accident. I was with him at a party, and we all got up to leave to go to another house. He was supposed to be driving with me, but for some reason things got mixed up and we got in a hurry because we had to leave quick. He went with another friend, and on the way over to the house they ran into a parked car and my friend was ejected from the car, going right through the windshield and died on impact. I felt like if things had gone the way they were supposed to go, and my friend had gone with me, none of this would have happened. I saw my friend lying on the ground, lifeless, bleeding all over the place while the ambulance took him away. I've never felt so devastated in my entire life. I felt it was partly my fault for bringing other people with me, and not having room for him. If only he had come with me instead.
I was a mess after all this, many of my friends were. We started drinking more and I started praying to God to watch over us and praying that my friend could live in peace with Him. We got into other drugs for a while, and things started to go downhill. It was all we cared about was getting high again, during this time my friends sister and mother died. And we pretty much lost one friend to prescription drugs. He started popping anything he could find, and started to change, he didn't even seem human anymore. We tried to help him out. We were having a party over at my friend's house, and the friend that was popping pills had left and not told anybody, it wasn't until the next day after his mother told him that all her prescription pills were gone had we known what had happened. We stopped talking to him and told him he needs to go to rehab, and he can't pull shit like that.
A few months later, it was time for college. I had good grades with a 3.5 GPA. I got accepted to a good college, a new and upcoming college that had been having its minimum GPA requirement going up by .1-.2 per year. It was a great college. The week before college, me and my friends were at a hookah bar. A girl introduced me to a friend of hers (L), this girl was different however and I could see that when she walked in. There was this presence about her, she was a Catholic and her family was very religious. She was very nice, charming, and funny. There was an instant attraction between us. We immediately locked eyes and started talking. I had this feeling in my stomach, like butterflies in my stomach. It was just so easy to talk to her, it was as if I knew this girl for all my life.
Things started to look up.. I made a lot of new friends at college and learned to cope with the loss. Most importantly, a new woman was introduced into my life, that completely changed my lifestyle. It wasn't all about getting high and forgetting about the past. I learned to face what had happened, and told myself that was what was supposed to happen and that God had a reason for it. I had never felt this way about a girl before, it had always been short term relationships before or not even that. Whenever I was with this girl I felt a new love that I had not felt since my friend had died. We could talk about anything, and we became very close to each other.
My life started to open up before me, I was in college, I was free. I did everything that any kid does when he gets to college. Go to parties, meet girls, and party, meet girls. I hooked up with a few other chicks during the first couple weeks of college. It almost made me feel bad afterwards, as we were extremely close but not official because we were in college. Before we went to this party, she (L) asked me if we were going together or seperately. We decided it was best to not go as a "couple" so we could meet more people. By the end of the night she was on my lap making out with me. It was impossible for me to meet other girls.
I had to leave college for a while to go down to Texas because my cousin got into a car accident and was killed. He was on heroin, speed, drunk, you name it. Apparently, addictive personalities run in the family. His dad (my uncle) had died of lung cancer a year earlier, he was long gone before that, he came to the funeral with his "bitch" and didn't seem to care too much. Left in a rampage and that's pretty much all we saw or heard of him until his death.
People that I had loved were dying all around me, I rely mostly on the people I meet for love and friendship as my family was separated when I was at a young age and I never knew my mother. My father was an alcoholic, the same ol raging violent alcoholic. Must be where I got my strong emotions from. This girl (L) was the closest thing to family that I ever had. We became ever closer, we were spending a lot of time together, and I cherished every moment of it, never was there a dull moment. This went on for a while, we told each other everything. Once at a party, L had gotten really drunk with a frat boy when we were partying at another college, and I really cared for this girl. We were at the party and I hadn't seen L for a long time, I asked some people if they had seen her. They said no, finally one person told me that she was really drunk and was in the room in the back. I went back there and the door was locked, the guy said it was the right room. I thought I heard something inside. I told the dude to give me the key to the door so I could see if she was alright. I opened the door and she was passed out, being raped by this scumbag motherfucker. I have never been so angry in my life, I knocked the living shit out of him. There wasn't a damn thing stopping me, I had never felt so strong, I don't think I could have ever been knocked down, I would have kept getting back up. L was awake, barely, I put her clothes on and carried her outside. I told my friends we gotta go, but we have one thing to do. We kicked the dude that had the keys ass, kicked the shit out of him while he was down. There was so many people the party sort of kept rolling on like nothing happened. We got in my friends car with L in the back, and as we were leaving a couple frat boys ran after us with bats. We dipped into the car and got the hell out of there. As we were pulling away one of them threw a bat at the window and shattered it.
We got L back and she was still half conscious, I guess she had just been laying there like that but was just gone and couldn't do anything. I was appalled, how something like this could happen at a GOOD college in a safe area! I guess there will always be bad people wherever we go in life. I was furious. I was sad, concerned, mainly pissed off about those scumbag people. I really cared for this girl and to see something like that just made me sick. We left her in her room back on campus and let her sleep. The next day, I asked her how she was and all, she looked scared. I told her that I found her last night, passed out from drinking too much that I brought her back to her room so she could sleep. She seemed frightened and nervous, and a little distanced. She continued to be this way, and I would ask her if something was bothering her. I didn't want to tell her she had been raped if she didn't know, I didn't know how to handle the situation and didn't want to make anything worse. She admitted she remembered starting to feel very drowsy while she was with the frat boy and that he told her to come to the room in the back with him. She said she remembered being pushed on the bed and the dude pulling his pants down. I told her she had been raped (as if she didn't already know.) And I told her what happened and that I hurt the kid that did it badly. We grew apart after this, well, she grew apart and seemed changed. She would no longer make the same eye contact as she used to. She seemed as though she couldn't trust anyone. We officially "broke-up." I hooked up with some other girls, I was a mess at the time, doing stuff on instinct. Getting drunk and acting like a fool, I was confused, and I often thought of this girl, L. My life was flying past me.
It turns out, L's father (ex-husband to L's mother) had been addicted to gambling and while he was in Vegas withdrew L's college funds so he could use it. I guess he was sure he was gonna win something that night, well, he was wrong and withdrew almost all of the funds out of L's mothers account and left the country. I was gone for the weekend this all happened and when I came back her close friend told me what had happened, that L had left to get a job to support her mother in California. I was speechless, and I never even got to say bye.
The one person left in this world that my heart had the capacity to love was gone. So suddenly as well. I was left a broken, shell of a man and my heart was incapable of loving any longer. It had been shattered too many times. I asked God how he could have let all of this happen to me. All I ever wanted was a normal life. I became severely depressed, and had severe anxiety and panic attacks. I became cold and heartless. My trust in people was lost. I no longer felt that passion, that warm feeling inside, the things you take for granted. It's when you realize those feelings are gone and you no longer feel, anything, that you know what you had. I had no one to fall back on this time. I couldn't take it any longer. I had friends at college, but they weren't the kind of friends that you can tell anything too. The ones you have had all your life. My hair was actually turning white, I no longer wanted to leave my room. My life felt like one big drama, and now I felt like I was living in a black hole, couldn't escape the emotions.
I sucked it all up after a bit. Went on with what was left. I thought that I am at college and I have the whole world ahead of me new things will come and life will go on. I then made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Yeah, I had done shrooms before, it was awesome, mind-opening experience. This was before everything started falling to shit around me. Well, I decided to do acid as a bunch of people around my building were doing it. We got the acid and we took 1 tab when we were walking back to our room. I was in a good mindset, I thought this will be like shrooms and I will have a great time. I had my mind in the best place I could find in my head before taking it.
It started to set in, and I started to feel scared. Feelings rushed over me that were strange. We played some Guitar Hero in my friends room w/ the lights out and blacklights up. I felt like I was actually in the music, I felt so in tune with everything. Everything seemed to be moving. During this whole period I felt like I had a big pocket of air in my stomach of something. My stomach felt light and I started to feel extremely anxious. Strange, paranoid thoughts started entering my mind and I felt that my friends had betrayed me and were making fun of me behind my back. I felt completely out of control, my eyes were wide open. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself, I thought I looked weird, sad, depressed. I didn't know who I was, I questioned myself looking in the mirror, it was strange.
We went outside, and I sort of woke up for a bit and all was well. I threw out the thoughts. We had some really amazing conversations about pretty much nothing and saw the people that had sold us the acid earlier. He looked like Jesus to all of us (looking back, he actually kind of did,) and we had fun. Sometime during the night, I remember feeling like I had to lay down. I was too dizzy. I felt really paranoid, like there was some impending doom coming. I thought I might sit there all night and eventually die. The night seemed REALLY, REALLY, long, stuff went on, stuff happened. I remember mumbling some stuff, and I remember feeling locked in my mind. My mind kept feeding me bad thoughts, and I was believing them. I then either heard of hallucinated my friend say "he was always crazy," after some chick asking if him if I would be permanently fucked up from this. I remember huddling up with my head down, I don't think I spoke or made eye contact with anybody for the last portion of the night. I was told in the morning I was huddled up in a ball, and that when outside I was hunched over in the same position, not moving, for at least an hour. I had some fear of moving, I was catatonic.
After the trip, I felt fucked up for a long time. Everything felt different, I felt like I was living in a new world, a strange world that I did not know or did not belong in. I would walk down to Chick-Fil-A to get some food and I felt like people passing by were watching my every move. I felt I was walking strange, and that people were noticing it. I felt everyone hated me, I was unable to smile. I talked to a couple friends, and some that did the acid the night before, and told them what was up. They said they felt kind of weird too, I became more and more withdrawn. I didn't want to talk to anybody, my life sort of turned dark. I lost all hope, ambition. I used to have this force that I always felt kept me going, I had a lot of willpower. I felt none of this, I felt nothing but emptiness. I felt paranoid and empty, and that my life had been taken from me but I was still alive.
I ended up leaving college, I was so paranoid and anxious I wasn't going to my classes and it was impossible for me to talk to anyone. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't make my own decisions, all I thought was I can't do that, I'm not do that, I would think about doing something and this overwhelming sense of fear would come over me and I froze. My only comfort zone was in my room, alone, even if my roommate (who was nice and cool) came in this overwhelming anxiety and fear came over me. It was like I could not communicate with people like I could before. I have never felt the same since. I left college a shell of a human. On the train ride home, I told myself I was making the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. My mind was DEAD set on leaving, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It was hard even being on the train, I thought people were eying me, I thought I might get robbed, I was on defense.
So I got home to my step moms house. I was glad to see her. I felt comfortable. For a time. I felt very strange still. It is as if there is this little trigger in my brain that goes off when I think of anything stressful or negative, and turns me on defense and paranoid mode. I will turn cold and heartless, non communicative. Whatever was going on, acid felt like it killed my mind, like it split in half or something. Every good memory from my childhood was stripped from me and I was left with people and things I had lost over the years. Things I had acquired and loved and then lost again.
I didn't talk to any of my old friends when I came back. I was afraid to, for what they might think of me. I was not the same person. I stayed this way for a long time. I was extremely paranoid and only felt safe in my house alone. I grew depressed, lonely, sad, every shitty emotion you can imagine. It was hell, but my brain could not relax, it was constant negative thoughts being thrown through my head. I couldn't think. Things went on, getting worse, more lonely, feeling like I would live life alone. I felt I could no longer love anyone or anything. I felt cold and heartless, my body couldn't relax, I had insomnia. I went through pure mental hell for about 6 months.
I started to accept and feel comfortable with the fact that I was a withdrawn fellow and that it was OK for me not to be the chatty type. I found it OK to go out and do things, but not make much eye contact, and sort of keep to myself. During these times, I felt trapped in my head and anxious and fearful and I think people could pick up on it and this bothered me. I stayed in the house most of the time.
That's when I found Roseman, MC, and Stealth Hydro. I had not smoked marijuana since before the acid trip. You guys were really helpful and I appreciate all you did helping me out with the grow. It was nice to have a community here during those times. The whole experience has woken me up. After harvest, smoking a little eased my mind to an extent that I had not felt since before the acid trip. I was able to think CLEARLY again, I had not felt ANYTHING prior to smoking. I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness and well-being like I used to feel. I could listen to music and feel the music, music was flat and 2d to me before. Music is and was my favorite thing, I love listening to music, and my biggest fault is that I love people and things too much and my addictive personality can attribute to this.
Enough about me, I know I wrote too much but I just thought it would be nice for you guys to know what you did for a 19 year old kid like me. I have slowly since harvest, regained my clarity of mind, gotten some anxiety medication to calm the thoughts, not to mention my arthritis pain is gone. I have came back into contact with my friends, and my life, and I will be seeing L soon. I was lost in another reality, and I felt hatred and heartlessness only. I can FEEL again, it is like a rush of fresh though came back into me. I have felt every emotion since harvest and dealt with it. I now only look towards the future as I always did, and pray to God that he watches over us.
THANK YOU Roseman and MC especially, you guys were like fathers to me. AND ALL BUBBLEHEADS. Wouldn't have been anywhere without you guys. Thanks for putting up with my shit LOL, and thanks for helping me accomplish something that has been life changing. It is impossible to explain how I feel right now, I feel empowered, unstoppable. Myself is back! I HAVE MY LIFE BACK! Thank you! Thank you!
You are doing great things here, and I hope you continue to do it. And may God bless you and keep you from harm.
I just wanted to say thanks to all of you (purp, jonny, bong and anyone else i'm missing) for helping out so much during the grow. Especially Roseman and MostlyCrazy. After harvest, all the buds went into mason jars and have been curing for a while now, and they keep getting better and better. It feels to me like the longer it cures the more of a thoughtful kind of high it is, like you look inside yourself. This has helped me with my arthritis and many other issues I was having and overall just improved my quality of life.
When I came to this forum originally, I had just gotten back from Ireland and while I was there talked to the owners of a head shop and they had a mini grow op going on in there. I forget now what it was they were growing, but it gave me an idea. They also gave me a newspaper, the name also crossed my mind, but it was all about growing. The idea of actually growing became something that I really became interested in, but never seemed like something my friend (I) could feasibly do.
Then I saw on some website an advertisement about Stealth Hydro Bubbleponics. I took a look at it, read a bit more about it, and really liked the idea of it being stealth. I thought I'd just set it up in my friend's closet and let it rip. Well, as you all know that would not be enough. That's when I found the thread "Stealth Hydro Bubbleponics Systems" that Roseman lovingly created. I was amazed by how many pages there are, and the wealth of information within. It's like I hit the gold mine of growing information. This sparked an idea in my mind, that this all may be within reach. Something I have always wanted to do, it sounded like a lot of fun and the reward at the end even better.
Prior to going to Ireland, about 6 months earlier my best friend died in a car accident. I was with him at a party, and we all got up to leave to go to another house. He was supposed to be driving with me, but for some reason things got mixed up and we got in a hurry because we had to leave quick. He went with another friend, and on the way over to the house they ran into a parked car and my friend was ejected from the car, going right through the windshield and died on impact. I felt like if things had gone the way they were supposed to go, and my friend had gone with me, none of this would have happened. I saw my friend lying on the ground, lifeless, bleeding all over the place while the ambulance took him away. I've never felt so devastated in my entire life. I felt it was partly my fault for bringing other people with me, and not having room for him. If only he had come with me instead.
I was a mess after all this, many of my friends were. We started drinking more and I started praying to God to watch over us and praying that my friend could live in peace with Him. We got into other drugs for a while, and things started to go downhill. It was all we cared about was getting high again, during this time my friends sister and mother died. And we pretty much lost one friend to prescription drugs. He started popping anything he could find, and started to change, he didn't even seem human anymore. We tried to help him out. We were having a party over at my friend's house, and the friend that was popping pills had left and not told anybody, it wasn't until the next day after his mother told him that all her prescription pills were gone had we known what had happened. We stopped talking to him and told him he needs to go to rehab, and he can't pull shit like that.
A few months later, it was time for college. I had good grades with a 3.5 GPA. I got accepted to a good college, a new and upcoming college that had been having its minimum GPA requirement going up by .1-.2 per year. It was a great college. The week before college, me and my friends were at a hookah bar. A girl introduced me to a friend of hers (L), this girl was different however and I could see that when she walked in. There was this presence about her, she was a Catholic and her family was very religious. She was very nice, charming, and funny. There was an instant attraction between us. We immediately locked eyes and started talking. I had this feeling in my stomach, like butterflies in my stomach. It was just so easy to talk to her, it was as if I knew this girl for all my life.
Things started to look up.. I made a lot of new friends at college and learned to cope with the loss. Most importantly, a new woman was introduced into my life, that completely changed my lifestyle. It wasn't all about getting high and forgetting about the past. I learned to face what had happened, and told myself that was what was supposed to happen and that God had a reason for it. I had never felt this way about a girl before, it had always been short term relationships before or not even that. Whenever I was with this girl I felt a new love that I had not felt since my friend had died. We could talk about anything, and we became very close to each other.
My life started to open up before me, I was in college, I was free. I did everything that any kid does when he gets to college. Go to parties, meet girls, and party, meet girls. I hooked up with a few other chicks during the first couple weeks of college. It almost made me feel bad afterwards, as we were extremely close but not official because we were in college. Before we went to this party, she (L) asked me if we were going together or seperately. We decided it was best to not go as a "couple" so we could meet more people. By the end of the night she was on my lap making out with me. It was impossible for me to meet other girls.
I had to leave college for a while to go down to Texas because my cousin got into a car accident and was killed. He was on heroin, speed, drunk, you name it. Apparently, addictive personalities run in the family. His dad (my uncle) had died of lung cancer a year earlier, he was long gone before that, he came to the funeral with his "bitch" and didn't seem to care too much. Left in a rampage and that's pretty much all we saw or heard of him until his death.
People that I had loved were dying all around me, I rely mostly on the people I meet for love and friendship as my family was separated when I was at a young age and I never knew my mother. My father was an alcoholic, the same ol raging violent alcoholic. Must be where I got my strong emotions from. This girl (L) was the closest thing to family that I ever had. We became ever closer, we were spending a lot of time together, and I cherished every moment of it, never was there a dull moment. This went on for a while, we told each other everything. Once at a party, L had gotten really drunk with a frat boy when we were partying at another college, and I really cared for this girl. We were at the party and I hadn't seen L for a long time, I asked some people if they had seen her. They said no, finally one person told me that she was really drunk and was in the room in the back. I went back there and the door was locked, the guy said it was the right room. I thought I heard something inside. I told the dude to give me the key to the door so I could see if she was alright. I opened the door and she was passed out, being raped by this scumbag motherfucker. I have never been so angry in my life, I knocked the living shit out of him. There wasn't a damn thing stopping me, I had never felt so strong, I don't think I could have ever been knocked down, I would have kept getting back up. L was awake, barely, I put her clothes on and carried her outside. I told my friends we gotta go, but we have one thing to do. We kicked the dude that had the keys ass, kicked the shit out of him while he was down. There was so many people the party sort of kept rolling on like nothing happened. We got in my friends car with L in the back, and as we were leaving a couple frat boys ran after us with bats. We dipped into the car and got the hell out of there. As we were pulling away one of them threw a bat at the window and shattered it.
We got L back and she was still half conscious, I guess she had just been laying there like that but was just gone and couldn't do anything. I was appalled, how something like this could happen at a GOOD college in a safe area! I guess there will always be bad people wherever we go in life. I was furious. I was sad, concerned, mainly pissed off about those scumbag people. I really cared for this girl and to see something like that just made me sick. We left her in her room back on campus and let her sleep. The next day, I asked her how she was and all, she looked scared. I told her that I found her last night, passed out from drinking too much that I brought her back to her room so she could sleep. She seemed frightened and nervous, and a little distanced. She continued to be this way, and I would ask her if something was bothering her. I didn't want to tell her she had been raped if she didn't know, I didn't know how to handle the situation and didn't want to make anything worse. She admitted she remembered starting to feel very drowsy while she was with the frat boy and that he told her to come to the room in the back with him. She said she remembered being pushed on the bed and the dude pulling his pants down. I told her she had been raped (as if she didn't already know.) And I told her what happened and that I hurt the kid that did it badly. We grew apart after this, well, she grew apart and seemed changed. She would no longer make the same eye contact as she used to. She seemed as though she couldn't trust anyone. We officially "broke-up." I hooked up with some other girls, I was a mess at the time, doing stuff on instinct. Getting drunk and acting like a fool, I was confused, and I often thought of this girl, L. My life was flying past me.
It turns out, L's father (ex-husband to L's mother) had been addicted to gambling and while he was in Vegas withdrew L's college funds so he could use it. I guess he was sure he was gonna win something that night, well, he was wrong and withdrew almost all of the funds out of L's mothers account and left the country. I was gone for the weekend this all happened and when I came back her close friend told me what had happened, that L had left to get a job to support her mother in California. I was speechless, and I never even got to say bye.
The one person left in this world that my heart had the capacity to love was gone. So suddenly as well. I was left a broken, shell of a man and my heart was incapable of loving any longer. It had been shattered too many times. I asked God how he could have let all of this happen to me. All I ever wanted was a normal life. I became severely depressed, and had severe anxiety and panic attacks. I became cold and heartless. My trust in people was lost. I no longer felt that passion, that warm feeling inside, the things you take for granted. It's when you realize those feelings are gone and you no longer feel, anything, that you know what you had. I had no one to fall back on this time. I couldn't take it any longer. I had friends at college, but they weren't the kind of friends that you can tell anything too. The ones you have had all your life. My hair was actually turning white, I no longer wanted to leave my room. My life felt like one big drama, and now I felt like I was living in a black hole, couldn't escape the emotions.
I sucked it all up after a bit. Went on with what was left. I thought that I am at college and I have the whole world ahead of me new things will come and life will go on. I then made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Yeah, I had done shrooms before, it was awesome, mind-opening experience. This was before everything started falling to shit around me. Well, I decided to do acid as a bunch of people around my building were doing it. We got the acid and we took 1 tab when we were walking back to our room. I was in a good mindset, I thought this will be like shrooms and I will have a great time. I had my mind in the best place I could find in my head before taking it.
It started to set in, and I started to feel scared. Feelings rushed over me that were strange. We played some Guitar Hero in my friends room w/ the lights out and blacklights up. I felt like I was actually in the music, I felt so in tune with everything. Everything seemed to be moving. During this whole period I felt like I had a big pocket of air in my stomach of something. My stomach felt light and I started to feel extremely anxious. Strange, paranoid thoughts started entering my mind and I felt that my friends had betrayed me and were making fun of me behind my back. I felt completely out of control, my eyes were wide open. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself, I thought I looked weird, sad, depressed. I didn't know who I was, I questioned myself looking in the mirror, it was strange.
We went outside, and I sort of woke up for a bit and all was well. I threw out the thoughts. We had some really amazing conversations about pretty much nothing and saw the people that had sold us the acid earlier. He looked like Jesus to all of us (looking back, he actually kind of did,) and we had fun. Sometime during the night, I remember feeling like I had to lay down. I was too dizzy. I felt really paranoid, like there was some impending doom coming. I thought I might sit there all night and eventually die. The night seemed REALLY, REALLY, long, stuff went on, stuff happened. I remember mumbling some stuff, and I remember feeling locked in my mind. My mind kept feeding me bad thoughts, and I was believing them. I then either heard of hallucinated my friend say "he was always crazy," after some chick asking if him if I would be permanently fucked up from this. I remember huddling up with my head down, I don't think I spoke or made eye contact with anybody for the last portion of the night. I was told in the morning I was huddled up in a ball, and that when outside I was hunched over in the same position, not moving, for at least an hour. I had some fear of moving, I was catatonic.
After the trip, I felt fucked up for a long time. Everything felt different, I felt like I was living in a new world, a strange world that I did not know or did not belong in. I would walk down to Chick-Fil-A to get some food and I felt like people passing by were watching my every move. I felt I was walking strange, and that people were noticing it. I felt everyone hated me, I was unable to smile. I talked to a couple friends, and some that did the acid the night before, and told them what was up. They said they felt kind of weird too, I became more and more withdrawn. I didn't want to talk to anybody, my life sort of turned dark. I lost all hope, ambition. I used to have this force that I always felt kept me going, I had a lot of willpower. I felt none of this, I felt nothing but emptiness. I felt paranoid and empty, and that my life had been taken from me but I was still alive.
I ended up leaving college, I was so paranoid and anxious I wasn't going to my classes and it was impossible for me to talk to anyone. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't make my own decisions, all I thought was I can't do that, I'm not do that, I would think about doing something and this overwhelming sense of fear would come over me and I froze. My only comfort zone was in my room, alone, even if my roommate (who was nice and cool) came in this overwhelming anxiety and fear came over me. It was like I could not communicate with people like I could before. I have never felt the same since. I left college a shell of a human. On the train ride home, I told myself I was making the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. My mind was DEAD set on leaving, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It was hard even being on the train, I thought people were eying me, I thought I might get robbed, I was on defense.
So I got home to my step moms house. I was glad to see her. I felt comfortable. For a time. I felt very strange still. It is as if there is this little trigger in my brain that goes off when I think of anything stressful or negative, and turns me on defense and paranoid mode. I will turn cold and heartless, non communicative. Whatever was going on, acid felt like it killed my mind, like it split in half or something. Every good memory from my childhood was stripped from me and I was left with people and things I had lost over the years. Things I had acquired and loved and then lost again.
I didn't talk to any of my old friends when I came back. I was afraid to, for what they might think of me. I was not the same person. I stayed this way for a long time. I was extremely paranoid and only felt safe in my house alone. I grew depressed, lonely, sad, every shitty emotion you can imagine. It was hell, but my brain could not relax, it was constant negative thoughts being thrown through my head. I couldn't think. Things went on, getting worse, more lonely, feeling like I would live life alone. I felt I could no longer love anyone or anything. I felt cold and heartless, my body couldn't relax, I had insomnia. I went through pure mental hell for about 6 months.
I started to accept and feel comfortable with the fact that I was a withdrawn fellow and that it was OK for me not to be the chatty type. I found it OK to go out and do things, but not make much eye contact, and sort of keep to myself. During these times, I felt trapped in my head and anxious and fearful and I think people could pick up on it and this bothered me. I stayed in the house most of the time.
That's when I found Roseman, MC, and Stealth Hydro. I had not smoked marijuana since before the acid trip. You guys were really helpful and I appreciate all you did helping me out with the grow. It was nice to have a community here during those times. The whole experience has woken me up. After harvest, smoking a little eased my mind to an extent that I had not felt since before the acid trip. I was able to think CLEARLY again, I had not felt ANYTHING prior to smoking. I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness and well-being like I used to feel. I could listen to music and feel the music, music was flat and 2d to me before. Music is and was my favorite thing, I love listening to music, and my biggest fault is that I love people and things too much and my addictive personality can attribute to this.
Enough about me, I know I wrote too much but I just thought it would be nice for you guys to know what you did for a 19 year old kid like me. I have slowly since harvest, regained my clarity of mind, gotten some anxiety medication to calm the thoughts, not to mention my arthritis pain is gone. I have came back into contact with my friends, and my life, and I will be seeing L soon. I was lost in another reality, and I felt hatred and heartlessness only. I can FEEL again, it is like a rush of fresh though came back into me. I have felt every emotion since harvest and dealt with it. I now only look towards the future as I always did, and pray to God that he watches over us.
THANK YOU Roseman and MC especially, you guys were like fathers to me. AND ALL BUBBLEHEADS. Wouldn't have been anywhere without you guys. Thanks for putting up with my shit LOL, and thanks for helping me accomplish something that has been life changing. It is impossible to explain how I feel right now, I feel empowered, unstoppable. Myself is back! I HAVE MY LIFE BACK! Thank you! Thank you!
You are doing great things here, and I hope you continue to do it. And may God bless you and keep you from harm.
