"
WTF IS GOING ON!" - Your pH is not buffering..
My tap water is pH @ 7.3, I have no problems at all by using a little bit of crushed Elemental Sulfur to the res. It takes a couple of days to stabilize and I use citric acid from Earth juice to get it in check until the ele sulfur kicks in. My pH stays at 6.4 and never drifts.. temp change is 15f, ppm is 3000, cior/perlite. Some people use battery acid, holy lead fuck - Batman!, some people use GH pH down, its ok, some use Earth Juice and citric acid, I use the elemental sulfur and citric acid.
The citric acid helps the krebs cycle, and the ele sulfur is one hell of a buffer.. It takes about a few days for the ele sulfur to start working in the res. after a couple of days, it turns into a white and fluffy kinda of silt, no problem with portability.