I can't even recall the last time I had a feeling of good fitness or well being

[whitebb2727]

Guess I'm not as much a coward as you to just run away at 16.
I stuck around and got abused much longer.

You are a child. Coward? Yep I was a coward to face the real world at 16 and join the military at 17.

I stopped my whippings before I moved out. Broke my fathers arm and nose.


I know I may seem harsh. But the fact is until you change your mindset nothing will change.


Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

 

[TwistItUp]

Harsh wasn't even close to what I was thinking about you. You are defiantly confused or hallucinating,
and clearly you do not understand the situation, or how social security works. If you think you can
just fabricate some bullshit idea and it's just supposed to happen becasue you thought of it.
Delusions of grandeur. Just so you know all your ideas suck and won't work to better the situation.
You literally can't go back and pick out even one thing you said that actually has enough logic or
sense for me to want to do anything you have said. When you want to suggest something
meaningful that can make the situation better. That will be when I might listen to you.
I was thinking that you seem to be making a bad situation worse, or at least you are trying to.
Not hard to tell that you have done that before, making bad situations worse.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."
^You are familiar with that one. Do you expect me to be impressed with that?
It appears you are still trying to do this because everything you say does nothing but irritate
me more than I already was. I don't much see the point in you scrutinizing my inability to move out.
Is this fun for you? I'm not quite sure how you came to join in with this thread, when all you want to do
is make things worse by further insulting me. About the time I thought this thread was done and you
throw more salt in a wound. This thread is no longer about me needing to vent.
Two wrongs don't make a right. So far everything you have said has been wrong for you to say it.
Shame on you. Not sure what you are trying to achieve here. Which one of these bogus ideas of yours
was I supposed to have actually tried to do? None of that works in the real world, with real situations
that you are not in, and you do not understand. Geee Whodathunk it, Durp a derrrrr.
That's about what I could say to everything you have suggested. Like as if I wasn't able to think
of something on my own. Yeah, wow silly me I could have never thought of any of these things
If you hadn't come along and pointed it out. That was so great and awesome of you.
I mean just look at all the great things you have had to say. If only the world was that simple.
But no, I'm way beyond all of that.
If I get a check move out, if not get a job and move out. Hmmmm Yeah, tried that.
Couldn't get a job. Tried to join the military too. Later a social worker told me to go on disabilities.
Which doesn't provide enough money to move out. You do not understand this.
Being homeless will not help my situation. Self worth huh. You don't even know me.
Just keep my food/board money? Again you do not understand the situation.
If I don't pay, social security will withhold 10% of the following check's till 1/3 of
the check for which ever months I don't pay food and board is paid back to them.
This is any time food or housing is provided to someone on social security.
When my father died for example. I got $900, that was all I got. When social security
found out, they started withholding 10% of every check because they counted that $900
as income. Same thing if I don't pay rent. A reason I don't work? Again I tried to work.
I was told to go on disabilities. I've never been able to earn SGA substantially gainful activity.
Which would be to earn over $900 in a month. I have never been able to do this even when
I was working. Do her dishes, mowe the lawn, cook. Yeah I do these things. Doesn't exactly build
self worth to be doing these things for someone else who doesn't show me respect.
"Maybe you mom is aggravated you haven't got your ass in gear." Again you don't have a clue what you are saying.
Since you do not understand how I'm not seeing that I can do these things, maybe you should show me exactly how
I'm supposed to do any of that which you have suggested and solutions.This ought to be good seeing how
I've already been to VOC rehab and they were of no use.
Again likely something you know nothing about. Not sure why you think anything you have to say is any better.
Do I just punch her square in the nose, or in the side of the nose?
And then what break her arm, and with what? After that just quit paying for food and rent so that when social security finds out they can withhold 10%
of my checks every month. Or am I supposed to then just walk down the street and find a bush or some place to camp out?
I don't really see how I'm going to feel like I'm worth much more if I do all of that. I don't think its the right thing to do. I'll just take your word for it.
This is about the time when I just agree with you, nod my head, think to myself this guy if more fucking nuts then I am. Then move on like as if
our paths never crossed. Clearly you are living in la la land where things are just supposed to happen becasue you say they can.
You hit a nerve.
Generally I can't deal with people. Chatting online tends to help, when I don't have to make eye contact through a screen.
I kind of even thought I could get along with like minded individuals who share some of the same interests, cannabis.
But now I'm not so sure that even exist either. Honestly no matter what I do, where I go, or try to hang out.
Even when I just need to vent about something, and obviously that can't happen. Someone always has to jam me up.
Really tired of people dictating everything. This is just ridiculous when I can't even vent without being flamed.
Obviously you are not the right person to be giving advice to anyone. Oh and I stopped the whippings at like 13.
That's when the mind games started. When I was little and weak, I got beaten. When I was big enough to make that stop.
I was subjected to other forms of abuse. Now I can't see how I'm ever going to get this to stop. Those beatings defiantly come to mind.
But if I start beating people who have already beaten me when I was weak. Then I'm somehow still going to be labeled the bad guy.

Man honestly you don't even know the half of it how messed up this situation is. When my older sibling was hooked up with some drunk
who went back to prison for 6+ months, and he cried and cried about how he would be living under a bridge when he gets out, because he just knew
someone else would rent their affordable shack while he was back in prison. So my mother pays my sisters rent for several months to make sure
my sister and her weirdo boyfriend would have a place to stay. So yeah, make sure to help that fuckin guy, who is also on disabilities, enable
my sister to hook up with that filth. But she can't bother to do a damn thing to help me find an apartment that would be paid for with my own money.
You don't know what you are saying. Your advice and solutions fucking suck. You do not know what I'm dealing with. You seem to want to act like as if
I want to live here. Maybe the parents getting their kids ass in gear works for some, generally I seem to think when a parent has to get their kids ass in gear.
That is typically when the kid wants to be living there. I do not want to be living here. I feel more like I am dying here. I probably literally am.
Somehow I'm still slightly intrigued by how you think the world works.
Where you can just say get a job and it happens, or move out and there's just suddenly supposed to be an affordable place to live.
Or ask someone why don't you work, and then all the things that they just told you prevent them form working are somehow not going
to continue to prevent this same person from working.

Still not sure which of these fictional scenarios are just supposed to happen.

 

[TwistItUp]

Well. Do you get a check?.

If you get a check move out. If not get a job and move out.

And use paragraphs.

Is there a reason you don't work?

Maybe you don't have self worth because you don't have nothing to be proud of.

Hell keep the 300 hundred and go shopping your self.

Do you clean the house or do the dishes? Mowe the lawn? Cook?

These are all things you could do to build self worth.

Quit paying your mom, save and move out.

How is ss going g to withhold money? You got me confused. Is your mom your guardian? Do you have a lease with her.

What I'm getting at is you live at home and draw a check. You should be washing those dirty dishes.

I don't know what to tell you. Tried cominv up with some solutions and you keep telling why you can't.

Go get a job and do something productive and you will feel better.

Quit blaming others and your disability.

Maybe you mom is aggravated you haven't got your ass in gear.

You keep saying you can't. You won't.

I left home at 16 without a dime to my name.

You keep saying I can't. Or what's wrong with you.

I'm sorry but you seem like you want a pity party.

If you want something sets goals and get off your ass and accomplish them.

600 dollar check. Rent a 200$ room, 200 in food. 100 in personal care. 100 for your self.

Its not hard. Just quit saying I can't. Say I can.

You are a child. Coward? Yep I was a coward to face the real world at 16 and join the military at 17.

I stopped my whippings before I moved out. Broke my fathers arm and nose.

I know I may seem harsh. But the fact is until you change your mindset nothing will change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

^ Oh you mean like filling out hundreds of job applications thinking this might be the one, they might hire me.
Maybe it is that I have just such a huge background of training and work experience from that one job I had.
Why you think I can just get hired so easy. All I have to do is just go out and do it. As if I can just wash my hands
and all my issues go away. This type of thing doesn't exist, if it did I would of had a job at some place I would have wanted to work at.
Walmart stocking shelves at night during off hours when I wouldn't have to deal with the general public. No they wouldn't hire me.
Getting a paper route where I drive around at night delivering stacks of papers to businesses during the night hours. No they wouldn't hire me.
Block Buster wouldn't hire me, Neither would Pizza hut, round table, McDonald's, burger king, taco bell, Wendy's, jack in the box, subway, chevron,
Costco, target, UPS, not a single one of these places would even bother calling and there was many many more places I tried to find work.
Before things got even worse.
Let me have a go at this dream up ideas of how things should be and its just supposed to happen.
My testosterone is in a lower range from an injury to a testicle when I was young. The injured testicle hurts.
So I just want to have that one removed. Once removed I would them hope that my testosterone range drops a little more
so that instead of being at the very lowest of the low range I would then fall to below the low range and my doctors would
prescribe me testosterone supplements. Since currently I am in the bottom 5% of so just a few points into the normal range so
they refuse to write a script. While we are at it they can fix my shoulder and my back, at least a nerve block for my back
which got injured while bull riding every time I did that. They can also give me gastric bypass so I can lose some o f this
fat that I've gained over the years from lower testosterone. But oh wait they wont do any of that either.
They refuse to write a script because they claim I'm a few points into the normal range, they wont remove this painful testicle.
They won't fix my blown out shoulder, they say that being diabetic gastric bypass could work well and it would be right for me,
but I would heal too slow after surgery so even though my insurance would cover it, they wont sign off on it.
But then I see news articles about people doing almost these same things.
A woman who joined the military and she checked a box saying she is male.
Then goes to military prison and gets approved testosterone supplements so she can survive.
Or the man who sold one of his testicles for $35,000 so he could buy a Nissan Z. When he had no testicle pains or issues.
Or so many other guys who get legal scripts for testosterone supplements becasue they are in the bottom 15%
of the normal range. When I had taken testosterone supplements in the past. My blood glucose is in the non diabetic range.
I'm able to look people in the eye, I'm not as depressed, I have enough endurance to get things done, my testicle pain is not as bad,
I walk more upright, my skin clears up, the list goes on. But just because I think this should all happen doesn't mean the world is suddenly
going to change and help me become enabled. Why do transgender people or whatever get to chose if they want to be a man or a woman
or more manly or more womanly. But I who is a man with a bunk nut cant legally get a script for more testosterone which helps significantly
with my diabetes, and other issues. It doesn't even make sense. Maybe big pharma really does just want to make money off sick people.
They would rather keep me sick then to actually help. My doctors do not fix the problems or treat the symptoms. They are a liability.
My doctors refuse to write me a script becasue they are afraid of losing their license. I told them if they didn't help I was going to order steroids
online, but I would much rather have a script so I know that what I'm injecting is safe. They thought I was bluffing. This is when I was proving
that when I have testosterone supplements my blood sugars and everything else is much better. The only reason they discovered that I wasn't bluffing.
Was when they tested me after a cycle, and my system hadn't started producing natural hormones on its own again. My numbers were so low they knew
I had been using. They still helped with nothing. Not a single thing for post cycle therapy. I don't get it these other people can choose to be male or female,
but I can't legally choose to be more manly and healthy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chelsea_Manning
http://dailycaller.com/2015/02/16/bruce-jenner-i-knew-i-was-a-woman-since-age-five/
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/11/27/mark-parisi-sell-testicle_n_4349317.html

https://thinksteroids.com/news/president-obama-asia-pharma-mihael-karner-kingpin-act/
Not too surprised the POTUS had to go and help fuck things up even more. Make it even harder to find a good source.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/mens-health/low-testosterone-and-diabetes.aspx
http://www.webmd.com/men/features/low-testosterone-explained-how-do-you-know-when-levels-are-too-low

 

[WeedFreak78]

Try to start eating better, even if it is just as infrequently, and get into a regular sleep schedule..both will help to stabilize your mood a little bit. I went 2 years working odd schedules and eating on weird schedules, or not eating, and once i went back to a more regular cycle, my mood and health noticeably improved. Lately I've been eating a high fat/carb diet(waffles,cereal, pasta,rice,etc)and very little veggies, because I've been lazy and haven't been going shopping . I'm usually pretty good about eating balanced, and i can tell you that I've not been feeling as well, overall, eating this way..

 

[Skylor]

Yes, I became shopper-- cook in my 20's, best thing ever

 

[BarnBuster]

You've got a fuked up situation, guy. Good luck with everything.

 

[Beezcheeze]

Sounds just like my brother with the ausbergers and all the social problems. They run I my family as well as some of the other symptoms you described. This is a fucked up situation that not a lot of people are going to stmpothise over because they have their own problems. People that draw disability sometimes get judged and looked down upon. I'm in the process of trying to get on disability myself. I have a ton of pain and problems from an accident last year but lookin at me you'd never know it. While trying to work the pain would become so intense I couldn't do anything. Had tried so many methods to heal and regenerate my body but it's just not the same. Now without working I have some low self esteem. I'm judged daily by family more than anyone as well as people that hear my story. But today i could care less. The pain I go through daily is real and I feel it. And when I'm trying to work, even 15 hours a week my entire home life is thrown away. No dishes done laundry cleaned, won't even get up to eat. Pain is a bitch. But what I can say is try to find some support even if its one good set of ears. Or a group thing if their available in your area. But posting on here you'll just get the same kind of judgement and people thinking that cause they feel their problems are worse than yours that you should get up and work too. Cause I know my bro will be on disability for it as well. And I competely understand. I will also say the part about the pork runes sounded a bit like trolling but Ill take it as you just are being honest with those details. Sorry man hope you can let go of some of these as you know a lot of them are in your head. Make your own food and find yourself some support. Just one good person who you don't feel judged by. And even if you do feel judged gotta learn to say fuck em. Cause you know your battle and you know it's tough. Give yourself a pat just for waking up in the morning. That's what I try to do

 

[Beezcheeze]

I've been eating pretty badly myself similar to you latley^^ it's no good just makes thing a worse. My stomach is destroyed daily and I have anxiety over stomah cancer how bad it hurts. Drink wate all day every day with lemon wedges squeezed in it and will give you lots of energy. And help with digestion and stomach problems. Will also kinda make you want to eat better how good you feel after drinking it all day.

 

[Ladysogreen]

Hey guy - I'm also a diabetic. Type 1 (juvenile). I was 8 when I was diagnosed. I'm 51 now and like you, disabled. I learned to shoot insulin before I learned to drive. Its been a long and rough road. Two years ago, I had my eye removed due to having complications (retinopathy and glaucoma) of diabetes. I have a prosthetic left eye. You would never know it by looking at me. My point being, you never know what the person next to you, is dealing with.

On that note, try to eat better for your diabetes...Please. Eating better will help curb depression and it will make you feel better and look better. Cut out the pork rinds (nasty).
Peace

 

[TwistItUp]

Hey guy - I'm also a diabetic. Type 1 (juvenile). I was 8 when I was diagnosed. I'm 51 now and like you, disabled. I learned to shoot insulin before I learned to drive. Its been a long and rough road. Two years ago, I had my eye removed due to having complications (retinopathy and glaucoma) of diabetes. I have a prosthetic left eye. You would never know it by looking at me. My point being, you never know what the person next to you, is dealing with.

On that note, try to eat better for your diabetes...Please. Eating better will help curb depression and it will make you feel better and look better. Cut out the pork rinds (nasty).
Peace

When I was first given a script for insulin I had to pick it up at the pharmacy needles and all, then go back to the clinic so they could teach me how to properly inject it.
I pretty much already knew what to do but they clued me in on a few things, like not to jab the stomach muscles in the front, you don't need to clean the needle or the
rubber top becasue insulin is already anti bacterial or whatever they had said something to that effect. Mostly they just wanted to make sure I would be able to handle
doing my own injections. I guess some people are too afraid of needles. Anyway I thought it would be no big deal at all, till I was actually holding a needle in my hand
and had to stick it in. That's when I was getting anxiety. But I managed to stick it in and I made things worse by going slow like a noob. Without even realizing it I had
pushed the plunger down and finished my first injection. I then pulled the needle out and didn't even realize I had done this either. After that I was scraping the needle on my belly
and I told the nurse oh I can feel it. My sister and the nurse both said, well you are dragging the needle across your skin. I was like huh, and look down and it was done.
That was the only part that I felt was dragging the needle across my belly. Later that day I swear I've never been so hungry in my life. Its one thing to be hungry and
have a belly ache but the day I started insulin was one of the few days I ever recall feeling like I needed to eat right away or else something bad would happen.
I was getting light headed.

 

[TwistItUp]

Sounds just like my brother with the ausbergers and all the social problems. They run I my family as well as some of the other symptoms you described. This is a fucked up situation that not a lot of people are going to stmpothise over because they have their own problems. People that draw disability sometimes get judged and looked down upon. I'm in the process of trying to get on disability myself. I have a ton of pain and problems from an accident last year but lookin at me you'd never know it. While trying to work the pain would become so intense I couldn't do anything. Had tried so many methods to heal and regenerate my body but it's just not the same. Now without working I have some low self esteem. I'm judged daily by family more than anyone as well as people that hear my story. But today i could care less. The pain I go through daily is real and I feel it. And when I'm trying to work, even 15 hours a week my entire home life is thrown away. No dishes done laundry cleaned, won't even get up to eat. Pain is a bitch. But what I can say is try to find some support even if its one good set of ears. Or a group thing if their available in your area. But posting on here you'll just get the same kind of judgement and people thinking that cause they feel their problems are worse than yours that you should get up and work too. Cause I know my bro will be on disability for it as well. And I competely understand. I will also say the part about the pork runes sounded a bit like trolling but Ill take it as you just are being honest with those details. Sorry man hope you can let go of some of these as you know a lot of them are in your head. Make your own food and find yourself some support. Just one good person who you don't feel judged by. And even if you do feel judged gotta learn to say fuck em. Cause you know your battle and you know it's tough. Give yourself a pat just for waking up in the morning. That's what I try to do

The part how you said "my brother" reminds me of a time when my sister worked at a group home taking care of disabled men.
She would always share stories about me and every time she would say my brother this or my brother that. One day I went to her work
and one of the guys comes up to me and says hey my brother. At first everyone got a bit of a laugh and they all thought he was just saying what'up my brotha.
But later I figured out that this man actually thought my name was My Brother because that is how my sister always refereed to me, she never used my name once.
With everyone else she would use their names and this man knew the rest of them. I believe he did not even realize that my sister and I are related, that part went right past him.

I've actually done things like this myself. Or like the time I was walking home from 7Eleven and past a liqueur store and I saw my dad through the window and I started waving to him. Then I noticed it was my own reflection, I look a lot like my dad. If that wasn't bad enough I was with a couple friends and I was even saying hey my dads in there. So I looked like a total doofus.

My friends brother is kind of similar at times. Like when we went on a road trip and there was a bunch of telephone/power poles along the road side and he says Oh wow, all those trees have no limbs. Later on during the same road trip and we are stuck behind a U-Haul moving van that had a picture/illustration on the roll up door on the back of the moving van. The pic was of furniture and a lamp just all the usual things a person would have in one of their vans while moving. My friends brother see's the picture of furniture and says omg the back of the van is open, he starts flipping out and yelling about how we need to pull around them and warn them that their van is open.

I once saw some mud flaps on a semi while passenger at night on the way to a campground. On the bottom of these mud flaps there was a chrome strip. The chrome strip was glistening as it swayed and I could see a reflection from our head lights. I started telling everyone else how there was sparks coming off the semi's tires.

 

[WeedFreak78]

Later on during the same road trip and we are stuck behind a U-Haul moving van that had a picture/illustration on the roll up door on the back of the moving van. The pic was of furniture and a lamp just all the usual things a person would have in one of their vans while moving. My friends brother see's the picture of furniture and says omg the back of the van is open, he starts flipping out and yelling about how we need to pull around them and warn them that their van is open.

I've done the same exact thing. I hate those trucks, they shouldn't allow them to paint them like that, some of Staples trucks are the same way with what looks like boxes/pallets of stuff stacked up. I've seen a few people swerve after getting behind them, probably for the same reason. They look way too real.

 

[taproot]

I won't pretend to know how you exactly feel or what you go through because I don't and I don't personally believe anybody can. I do believe that as humans we can understand and feel similarities and some have stronger associations with said similarities to specific people. Your issues are no laughing matter nor to be joked about, I truly feel for you and I do understand how tormenting mental and physical pain is. There is a time and place for tough love and sometimes you have to finally realize you have to be tough on yourself but also you need to know that you need to be forgiving and kind to you; otherwise you're just abusing yourself to. I suffer from chronic pain all day long. Some days are worse than others but so far for over three years now I've been in chronic pain. I don't even remember having a significant accident that I can tie all this shit to; not physically anyway. I did however undergo chronic stress for years. Partly was my job which is high stress, I put myself in huge credit debt when I was in my 20's so I worked hard and paid it all off then started saving for the normal shit people want in life. Losing ground was unacceptable for me, it brought great fear and coupled with a job that requires immediate response and no fuck ups turned this into a chronic toxic situation of fear and anxiety for years. I now understand that they are very closely related and typically one is not present without some influence of the other. Also, I was in a horrible relationship so when I got home it was just more stress and fighting when all I truly wanted was peace and love. It started out very subtle but I started have pain twinges here and there ..then more here than there. Then over the coarse of a very emotionally stressful weekend the pain just exploded and unfortunately for me has had severe symptomatic repercussions that I'd not wish on anybody. Specialist after specialist after specialist and countless test/s and MRI/s and nothing really found that explains all my issues from a physical injury standpoint. What I've been told and has taken years for me to grasp, and I still struggle with this, is that all that chronic stress can cause some people to develop hyper active central nervous systems which affects the entire body in ways I'd never dream of. It's fucked up because being in pain and the other issues only drives more stress, fatigue, pain, fear and anxiety. It's a cycle and I see this in you to. I do know that when I'm not as stressed I do start to feel better not healed but better. I've developed a stress disorder over all the years of this catastrophic thinking disorder and I do have a tendency to panic now. It's a cycle that feeds one another. I never had a mental disorder before all this per say but the fear and anxiety I allowed myself to go through and now this illness has definitely developed one. I also know what it feels like to not have people understand nor be empathetic now and my views on judging people has really changed. I still don't respect people who work the system just because they can, and they are out there, but I also realize not everybody that is on disability is working a angle. I'm a little jaded because when I needed assistance nobody would help yet I see others getting medical help and other services for free. Mental issues and the sort of physical pain issues such as mine where there are no visible injures does not allow people to grasp their is an serious issue, we've as a society expect to see tangible evidence otherwise it's not disabling. And, as mentioned, this is one thing I still have issues with because surly a MRI or some other test would explain physical pain right? I had to put a label on it otherwise I could not understand it. Anyway, I've decided to put much more stalk into how stress can fuck you up! I don't know if it's the only thing driving my issues, and not knowing is very emotionally traumatic, but I feel it's the main part of the equation and hopefully working on it can lead to healing eventually. Stress and mental issues effect different people in different ways but we are in such a judging, fast paced ..relentless modern society that punishes us for slowing down and wanting to be human, it's no wonder we have the issues we have. I'm trying to get my diet back in check to, depression fucks that all up, and have started working out. I'm starting to try to learn how to meditate as it's shown so much benefit scientifically, you should consider mediation if you don't do it already. It's not the hippy shit or new wave crap I thought it to be. Same goes for yoga! I just got me a dog and it helps. She is digging up my back yard, I just filled another two holes tonight and I was pretty upset as this has been a ongoing issue. But, I'm trying to learn to say fuck it. I can't take the yard with me when I dye and in the bigger picture it's just a stupid yard and at this point in my life I'd rather have a loyal friend than a perfect yard. Funny how shit gets lower on the important scale when you're going through life! You're the same as any of us and you do matter. Beating yourself up or allowing others to do it will not help. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, you have a responsibility to you and society to try. You will fail and then you will pick yourself back up and this will rinse and repeat. Failing is part of life and you will never not fail but eventually you will have more success than failures, more happy than sad etc. I'm not going to lie and say I've figured this out but I'm trying and you can to. I didn't write all this to make you feel small or that others are more important or their issues greater but I'm letting you know that a lot of us are in the same boat even though we got there in different ways and have different paddles...we're all just trying to stay afloat. You really need to analyze your home situation, you may need to see if you can get your mother to go to therapist with you as you may be able to resolve and start healing as a family. But, if she is really just this negative, and some people are than at least the therapist can help you conclude this so you're not wondering if it's a thinking error on your part. Also, they should be able to help you with finding the resources to get out of this situation. You should be able to find one for free from your local social center or state sponsored help. You do matter and you deserve to be healthy and happy but you're going to need to take the initiative as nobody else can do it for you. I hope this finds you well!

 

[Ladysogreen]

When I was first given a script for insulin I had to pick it up at the pharmacy needles and all, then go back to the clinic so they could teach me how to properly inject it.
I pretty much already knew what to do but they clued me in on a few things, like not to jab the stomach muscles in the front, you don't need to clean the needle or the
rubber top becasue insulin is already anti bacterial or whatever they had said something to that effect. Mostly they just wanted to make sure I would be able to handle
doing my own injections. I guess some people are too afraid of needles. Anyway I thought it would be no big deal at all, till I was actually holding a needle in my hand
and had to stick it in. That's when I was getting anxiety. But I managed to stick it in and I made things worse by going slow like a noob. Without even realizing it I had
pushed the plunger down and finished my first injection. I then pulled the needle out and didn't even realize I had done this either. After that I was scraping the needle on my belly
and I told the nurse oh I can feel it. My sister and the nurse both said, well you are dragging the needle across your skin. I was like huh, and look down and it was done.
That was the only part that I felt was dragging the needle across my belly. Later that day I swear I've never been so hungry in my life. Its one thing to be hungry and
have a belly ache but the day I started insulin was one of the few days I ever recall feeling like I needed to eat right away or else something bad would happen.
I was getting light headed.

 

[Ladysogreen]

I've been awal for awhile, I just read your post. I'm sorry, I could feel your anxiety just by reading about what you went through the first time that you injected. But...You did it and you made it through the hardest first steps of learning how to deal with your "new" normal.

Have you thought about or considered an insulin pump ? I know that it sounds scary as a mofo and confusing but, it really is easy and it mimics a real pancreas. Its an amazing invention. I've had one for ten years. I would be dead without it by now. Had I gotten one a long time ago, I would still have all of my eyesight. Could've, should've, would've but hey I'm still here listening to Motley Crue and eating my edibles

 

[Ladysogreen]

Sounds just like my brother with the ausbergers and all the social problems. They run I my family as well as some of the other symptoms you described. This is a fucked up situation that not a lot of people are going to stmpothise over because they have their own problems. People that draw disability sometimes get judged and looked down upon. I'm in the process of trying to get on disability myself. I have a ton of pain and problems from an accident last year but lookin at me you'd never know it. While trying to work the pain would become so intense I couldn't do anything. Had tried so many methods to heal and regenerate my body but it's just not the same. Now without working I have some low self esteem. I'm judged daily by family more than anyone as well as people that hear my story. But today i could care less. The pain I go through daily is real and I feel it. And when I'm trying to work, even 15 hours a week my entire home life is thrown away. No dishes done laundry cleaned, won't even get up to eat. Pain is a bitch. But what I can say is try to find some support even if its one good set of ears. Or a group thing if their available in your area. But posting on here you'll just get the same kind of judgement and people thinking that cause they feel their problems are worse than yours that you should get up and work too. Cause I know my bro will be on disability for it as well. And I competely understand. I will also say the part about the pork runes sounded a bit like trolling but Ill take it as you just are being honest with those details. Sorry man hope you can let go of some of these as you know a lot of them are in your head. Make your own food and find yourself some support. Just one good person who you don't feel judged by. And even if you do feel judged gotta learn to say fuck em. Cause you know your battle and you know it's tough. Give yourself a pat just for waking up in the morning. That's what I try to do

I feel the same way, people judge me. I've learned to think, "fuck them, who are they to judge ME - they don't walk in my shoes so...fuck em" - I stay happy with that attitude. Any person that judges you because you cannot work because of illness, has something seriously wrong with themselves, mentally. They are worse off than you think. Don't be afraid to speak up if somebody is judging you and making you feel bad.

 

[Beezcheeze]

I feel the same way, people judge me. I've learned to think, "fuck them, who are they to judge ME - they don't walk in my shoes so...fuck em" - I stay happy with that attitude. Any person that judges you because you cannot work because of illness, has something seriously wrong with themselves, mentally. They are worse off than you think. Don't be afraid to speak up if somebody is judging you and making you feel bad.

I go back and forth between having that attitude and being seriously affected by others judgements. We're social creatures and when you do not feel accepted it really can hurt. We all have our personal battles and it's sad that some can't have sympothy for anyone struggling a different battle or can't hold themselves back from judging. But that's wha makes the world go round... And those types of people have in turn made me a much stronger man than I used to be. Gotta get in the mindset of using whatever hurts you or puts u down as your fuel to feed your fire. That littl extra boost to overcome some things can be gained from those around you jusging or putting you down. That's the key I think.

 

[Ladysogreen]

I go back and forth between having that attitude and being seriously affected by others judgements. We're social creatures and when you do not feel accepted it really can hurt. We all have our personal battles and it's sad that some can't have sympothy for anyone struggling a different battle or can't hold themselves back from judging. But that's wha makes the world go round... And those types of people have in turn made me a much stronger man than I used to be. Gotta get in the mindset of using whatever hurts you or puts u down as your fuel to feed your fire. That littl extra boost to overcome some things can be gained from those around you jusging or putting you down. That's the key I think.

You're absolutely right. Their judgment, gives us strength to be tougher and to learn to
overcome certain personal obstacles that "they" may not understand. I have relatives like that too. They judge me, even though, they know that I have serious health issues. I'm a small blonde woman, but I have a lot of spunk and I can be a smart ass (if need be). One of my relatives, at a dinner, literally yelled at me across a crowded table of people as I was about to eat a piece of toast with jelly on it..."Hey you can't eat that jelly, you're a diabetic" ! The entire room went silent as everybody stared at me. I politely put my toast down, wiped my mouth with a napkin, got up and walked over to her and said quietly, "Hey asshole...you do realize that I am a type 1 diabetic, not a type 2, and I'm on an insulin pump. Do you know that an insulin pump allows me to adjust my insulin to the amount of carbs that I consume, while keeping my blood sugar in a normal range ? oh and by the way, Yes I do know that I am a diabetic " Her face turned beet red. Then I got up and left. I considered that to be just an ignorant display on her part. Some people are ignorant without even realizing it. But you're right, it reflects on us and how we react and how we feel about ourselves.

 

[Beezcheeze]

You're absolutely right. Their judgment, gives us strength to be tougher and to learn to
overcome certain personal obstacles that "they" may not understand. I have relatives like that too. They judge me, even though, they know that I have serious health issues. I'm a small blonde woman, but I have a lot of spunk and I can be a smart ass (if need be). One of my relatives, at a dinner, literally yelled at me across a crowded table of people as I was about to eat a piece of toast with jelly on it..."Hey you can't eat that jelly, you're a diabetic" ! The entire room went silent as everybody stared at me. I politely put my toast down, wiped my mouth with a napkin, got up and walked over to her and said quietly, "Hey asshole...you do realize that I am a type 1 diabetic, not a type 2, and I'm on an insulin pump. Do you know that an insulin pump allows me to adjust my insulin to the amount of carbs that I consume, while keeping my blood sugar in a normal range ? oh and by the way, Yes I do know that I am a diabetic " Her face turned beet red. Then I got up and left. I considered that to be just an ignorant display on her part. Some people are ignorant without even realizing it. But you're right, it reflects on us and how we react and how we feel about ourselves.

A lot of people just don't realize it...That their actions or words affect others as much as it does. That's something that took me a while to understand.
That sounded like it could've been an uncomfortable situation but you chose to call her out and own it. I mean what else could be better lol. I catch myself Doin the same things in certiain predicaments.
Gata don't play no shit

 

[Ladysogreen]

A lot of people just don't realize it...That their actions or words affect others as much as it does. That's something that took me a while to understand.
That sounded like it could've been an uncomfortable situation but you chose to call her out and own it. I mean what else could be better lol. I catch myself Doin the same things in certiain predicaments.
Gata don't play no shit

Amen lol