All your shitty jokes
- Thread starter Karah
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lokie
Well-Known Member
This reminds me of a story my dad tells about his brother.
"That man is so cheap if it cost him a nickel to shit he would rather throw up."
lol good old dad he's always good for a laugh.
farmerfischer
Well-Known Member
my cock in your mouth..lol
tyler.durden
Well-Known Member
Dude goes to the doc for a routine physical. The doc says, 'Okay, Mr. Rabbit. We're going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample'. Dude replies, 'Gee, doc. I'm really in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear???'
racerboy71
bud bootlegger
here i sit broken hearted,
came to shit but only farted
so i sit here and scratch my balls
and write poems on the wall
lokie
Well-Known Member
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
&*&*&*
A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet. He walks into town and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?"
"A golden toilet? I don't think so," the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,"Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said the man.
"A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous." This continues all day until finally the man walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet."
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, "Hey Bill, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"
The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
&*&*&*
A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet. He walks into town and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?"
"A golden toilet? I don't think so," the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,"Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said the man.
"A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous." This continues all day until finally the man walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet."
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, "Hey Bill, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"
charface
Well-Known Member
This was a favorite to tell at as meetings. They love it.
Paste.
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too.
Paste.
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too.
tangerinegreen555
Well-Known Member
Guy walks into a bar , puts down a $20 and says, 'give me a shot of bourbon, make it a triple.'
Bartender pours the guy a triple, guy drinks it and slams down bar glass and says, 'give me a shot of vodka, a triple.'
Bartender pours the guy his drink. The guy slams it down, bangs the glass on the bar and says, 'give me a shot of tequila, a triple."
Bartender pours the drink, guy immediately pounds it down, bangs his glass and orders a triple of Bacardi 151. While bartender is pouring the drink, the guy asks, "hey bartender, do you know what time it is?''
Bartender says, "Did you come here to drink or bullshit?"
Bartender pours the guy a triple, guy drinks it and slams down bar glass and says, 'give me a shot of vodka, a triple.'
Bartender pours the guy his drink. The guy slams it down, bangs the glass on the bar and says, 'give me a shot of tequila, a triple."
Bartender pours the drink, guy immediately pounds it down, bangs his glass and orders a triple of Bacardi 151. While bartender is pouring the drink, the guy asks, "hey bartender, do you know what time it is?''
Bartender says, "Did you come here to drink or bullshit?"
charface
Well-Known Member
Guy walks in a bar,
Tells the bartender, give me the cheapest nastiest whiskey you got.
Bartender looks disgusted but sets him up with true rot-gut.
Guy slams it and with a grimace tells the bartender, do it again...
After about three more rounds
The bartender asks what's the deal I can hardly watch this any longer.
Guy says I'm celebrating my first blow job.
Oh I see said the bartender.
In that case let me get you some top shelf...
No thanks, if this cheap stuff won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.
Tells the bartender, give me the cheapest nastiest whiskey you got.
Bartender looks disgusted but sets him up with true rot-gut.
Guy slams it and with a grimace tells the bartender, do it again...
After about three more rounds
The bartender asks what's the deal I can hardly watch this any longer.
Guy says I'm celebrating my first blow job.
Oh I see said the bartender.
In that case let me get you some top shelf...
No thanks, if this cheap stuff won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.
tangerinegreen555
Well-Known Member
charface
Well-Known Member
Truck driver walks into a biker bar orders a tall glass of milk.
A couple of the bikers noticed and made their way over to the table and the harassment begins, hey little girl where's your mommy, one of them ask.
The trucker just stared at his feet.
Eventually they grew tired of being ignored and the ugliest biker of the bunch unzips and puts his wrinkled
Old sack right in the milk.
The shamed trucker still avoiding all eye contact quietly paid for the milk and left.
The biker was heard saying "well he wasn't much of a man was he"?
At this the bartender replied.
He isn't much of a truck driver either
He just ran over all your bikes...
A couple of the bikers noticed and made their way over to the table and the harassment begins, hey little girl where's your mommy, one of them ask.
The trucker just stared at his feet.
Eventually they grew tired of being ignored and the ugliest biker of the bunch unzips and puts his wrinkled
Old sack right in the milk.
The shamed trucker still avoiding all eye contact quietly paid for the milk and left.
The biker was heard saying "well he wasn't much of a man was he"?
At this the bartender replied.
He isn't much of a truck driver either
He just ran over all your bikes...
BudmanTX
Well-Known Member
Dancer
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?
As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?
As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
