All your shitty jokes

Laughing Grass

Laughing Grass

Well-Known Member
Star Dog said:
Royal family members William and Kate are doing the official opening ceremony of a new hospital in Scotland, afterwards, they are given a tour. They go into one ward, and the guy in the first bed is muttering... "Oh, my love is like a red, red rose..." They go past the next bed and the chap in it is also muttering... "Wee sleekit, cowrin' tim'rous beestie..." The next guy is the same. He's mumbling: "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never bought to mind..."

Kate asks the doctor showing them round... "What is this ward?" The doctor replies - "It's the Burns Unit, mam."
Click to expand...
1642020723274.png
 
NotTheRobot

NotTheRobot

Well-Known Member
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that hangs on the wall?
A. Art

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the back of a pick up truck ?
A. Phil

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake?
A. Bob

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs in the middle of a field?
A. Ground beef.
 
lokie

lokie

Well-Known Member
NotTheRobot said:
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that hangs on the wall?
A. Art

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the back of a pick up truck ?
A. Phil

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake?
A. Bob

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs in the middle of a field?
A. Ground beef.
Click to expand...
Don't quit your day job.

Welcome to TnT!
betty-white-cheers.gif
 
cannabineer

cannabineer

Ursus marijanus
Star Dog said:
Royal family members William and Kate are doing the official opening ceremony of a new hospital in Scotland, afterwards, they are given a tour. They go into one ward, and the guy in the first bed is muttering... "Oh, my love is like a red, red rose..." They go past the next bed and the chap in it is also muttering... "Wee sleekit, cowrin' tim'rous beestie..." The next guy is the same. He's mumbling: "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never bought to mind..."

Kate asks the doctor showing them round... "What is this ward?" The doctor replies - "It's the Burns Unit, mam."
Click to expand...
I heard this story long ago presented as true.

A teacher was trying to teach her eighth grade how to remember the name of Robert Burns. The mnemonic she suggested was a London cop on fire: “Bobby burns”.

A timid hand rose near the back. “Miss Fraser?”
Yes, Susie?
“… How do we know it is not Robert Browning?”
 
OutdoorOpps

OutdoorOpps

Active Member
A seismic lab send a telegram to a city's Mayor:

- In the next days there will be a seismic movement STOP Please tell us where is gonna be the epicenter STOP And till where is gonna go in the ritcher scale STOP

Weeks, months, and no answer, finally when the lab almost forgot it, they have the answer:

- Eartquake is disjointed STOP Epi and his family killed STOP We can't find Ritcher STOP We din't answer before because there was a devastating eartquake STOP
 
Last edited:
Nixs

Nixs

Well-Known Member
OutdoorOpps said:
A seismic lab send a telegram to a city's Mayor:

- In the next days there will be a seismic movement STOP Please tell us where is gonna be the epicenter STOP And till where is gonna go in the ritcher scale STOP

Weeks, months, and no answer, finally when the lab almost forgot it, they have the answer:

- Eartquake is disjointed STOP Epi and his family killed STOP We can't find Ritcher STOP We din't answer before because there was a devastating eartquake STOP
Click to expand...
That must've been St. Olaf's Mayor :D
 
NotTheRobot

NotTheRobot

Well-Known Member
I’ve just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.
The agent assured me it’s a growth industry.

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory
Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?
A: insta-pot
 
Just Be

Just Be

Well-Known Member
Lee and Larry were a couple of skid row winos that woke up one morning without anything to drink. Between the two of them, they only had 30 cents which was not even enough to buy a bottle rubbing alcohol. Eventually, Larry came up with the idea to spend the 30 cents on a hotdog at the local deli. Larry told Lee his plan.. "We'll go into bars and drink until the bartender asks us to pay the tab at which point I'll unzip my fly, release the hot dog and then you'll get on your knees and start sucking on it. Surely, this will outrage the bartender and we'll get thrown out of the bar before we have a chance to pay." ..Lee was a little apprehensive but decided to go along with the plan. They managed to drink their fill at seven or eight bars when Lee told Larry.. "Ya know, this was a great plan but my knees are starting to hurt from having to get down on my knees all of the time." ..At which point, Larry replied.. "How do you think I feel, we lost the hot dog after the second bar!"

The above tale is based on my memory of my junior high delvings into the "Truly Tasteless Joke Book" series.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.​
 
Nutty sKunK

Nutty sKunK

Well-Known Member
My dad told me this joke and thought it was amusing. For some lol

A guy walks into a pub and orders a pint and a pie. Drinks the pint puts the pie on his head and walks out.

This goes on for several days until finally the barman thinks ‘I’m gonna get him this time round’

So the man walks into the pub and asks for a pint and a pie. The barman says ‘we don’t have any pies only crisps’. So the man drinks his pint puts the packet of crisps on his head and walks out.

‘Hold on a minute there’ says the barman. ‘Why did you put those packet of crisps on your head?!’

‘Because you don’t have any pies’…


well I thought it was rather amusing lol
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top