Anti-Conservative Jokes
- Thread starter Musical Suicide
- Start date
You Might Be a Conservative
by Chris Gladish
You might be a conservative if:
* You watch the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches "Barney
and Friends"
* You believe an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers while she
was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for lack of child
support payments named Newt when he talks about how he's for "Family
Values"
* You complain about the "liberal media" on any of the numerous
conservative political TV/radio talk shows.
* You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"
* You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy
liberals.
* You believe the Holocaust to be a myth created by crazy liberals.
* You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings
with a vodka straight in hand.
* You believe the Constitution states the Christianity is our official
religion.
* You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television...
oops, my mistake... that's "You might be Newt Gingrinch if.."
* You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.
* If you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..."
* You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the
teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon
imaginable.
* You actually believe that people actually own AK-47's for "hunting
purposes"
* You have faith in idiotic economic policies such as "trickle down
economics"
* You don't see why everyone's so down on Mark Fuhrman.
* You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the
least.
* The hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.
* You have a button that says "I'm not prejudice, I hate everyone"
* You can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds of
thousands of dollars from embezzling S&L's
* Your main source for news is an egocentric man named Rush who distorts
facts consistantly to fit his views and opinions.
* You want to find another out-of-work actor to play the figurehead for
the Republican party (perhaps Bonzo's free)
* Your response to anything Bill Clinton says includes a reference to
Arkansas hillbillies.
* You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.
* You get offended if someone is unusually quiet on the way to a funeral...
oops, sorry, my fault again... thats another "You might be Newt
Gingrinch..."
* You refuse to talk to your sister because she's a lesbian... dangit,
sorry...once again, another "You might be Newt..."
* You obsessively impose your own morality upon others.
* You wish to ammend the Constitution to make desecration of the flag
illegal.
* You wish to rewrite the first ammendment to make desecration of the
flag illegal.
* You wish to rewrite the first commandment to make desecration of the
flag illegal (and here, you thought you were such a good Christian...)
* You believe that if parents and teachers don't mention sex to a child
until s/he is 25, then s/he won't even know it exists until then.
* You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.
* You must first don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a homosexual.
* You attribute the lack of close families to Murphy Brown.
* You helped to ban Beavis from saying "fire", yet keep a loaded handgun
in the house (doesn't matter if it's hidden.. your kid knows where it
is, trust me.)
* You have a sticker saying "Guns don't kill people, people do" (and I
suppose those little bullet things are harmless too)
* You believe that everyone else should hold the same moralistic and
political views as you, and by God, you're going to see to it that they
do!
Ive Got A Million of Them!
Funny yes? Any One? Any One? LOL
"The Ten Commandments - Republican-Style"
I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them.
II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies.
III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty.
IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school
children.
V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil
liberties.
VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest
above those of your corporate contributors.
VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children
and babies behind.
VIII. Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and
demonize them.
IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as
soon as possible.
X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media
is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda.
I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them.
II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies.
III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty.
IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school
children.
V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil
liberties.
VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest
above those of your corporate contributors.
VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children
and babies behind.
VIII. Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and
demonize them.
IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as
soon as possible.
X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media
is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda.
CrackerJax
New Member
Here's something which is increasingly obvious AND funny....
Attachments
CrackerJax
New Member
Ur right, it's actually kind of sad.
Ya we understand you cons are kinda sad seeing how your sore losers and all. THATS why we keep posting all these nice jokes TO CHEER YA UP!!
CrackerJax
New Member
Have you noticed you are all alone? 
Musical Suicide
New Member
Well, being that you took the time to make this for someone, I'd say your trying way to hard, and in fact, I bet you are a huge dork in real life. haha
Musical Suicide
New Member
He just cant help himself ya see we OWN HIM! He cant help it any longer. He is driven to post. He MUST post! See he is trying to compensate for his and the GOPs impotency. (poor little con and his poor little thingy) Thats the cons little secret. There trying to compensate for there little HMMMMM? There Very Very Little Secrets!! You now know why there ALL GAY women have no use for little thingys like there's! Poor Little RepugnantCons. Poor Little RepugnantCons Thingys but I dont see why the US and the WORLD have to pay cus cons are impotent and have small d**ks!?
medicineman
New Member
I figured, The most unhealthy approach to a social structure ever invented. All libertarians care about is themselves. I watched the Fountainhead again last night. What a pathetical piece of crap. Just like libertarian bullshit, it puts the individual above all and portrays social values like some scourge of mankind. Don't you idiots know that if everyone thought like Ayn Rand, there would be no social structure. Chaos would rule and people would be about killing each other over stubborn differences. The absolute selfish stupidity of libertarians absolutely amazes me.
Despite tremendous loses in elections, dwindling support in polls and disastrous policies, we at the Republican Party know our ideas are perfect because they are our ideas and we think so. Therefore, in following with our proud GOP tradition, we call upon all real Americans to support the new mascot of our party, the most anti communist, anti terrorist and pro capitalism animal ever, the Lemming.
The competition we faced for a new symbol came down to The Lemming and a few other worthy finalists
. . . and then we decided to start off fresh, with the kind of change we believe in, in what I like to call the real America, so it came down to these choices.
The competition we faced for a new symbol came down to The Lemming and a few other worthy finalists
. . . and then we decided to start off fresh, with the kind of change we believe in, in what I like to call the real America, so it came down to these choices.
- Yosemite Sam, representing the south on fair and balanced Fox news.
- Montgomery Burns, a long time GOP contributer, seen here with his younger, virile and red blooded supporters.
-
- The Monopoly Man, shown above at a fundraising event.
- We never quite worked out a name for this one.
- The Lemming. The most patriotic and conservative animal. Ever.
Bumper stickers are already available with a $2000 campaign contribution and binding loyalty oath signature.
or, for family men, or wo-men, as they prefer to be called when they aren't having our babies, products for the whole family. (women included)
After signs pointed out that we are losing in the polls the CPAC has deemed that a move in a more positive direction should be made for the Republican image. The message is just great and the ideas are perfect, but how can today's conservatives convince blacks, latinos and poor rural whites to vote against their interests?
Therefore, in changing our image but not our policy, may I present to you the new GOP Mascot, The Lemming.
