F%ckers Need To Laugh !!!

NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
 
NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)

4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)

5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)

8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)
 
NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
 
NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just
below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under
the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry
Christmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all
the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas!"
 
F

fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''
''Lipstick remover.''
 
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fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
you might be a pot head if
1 you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better
2 you have actually put out a fire with bong water
3 the term "hydro" does not mean water
4 you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop
5 you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you
6 you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7 your best friends are your dealer and your roller
8 you sell your car for gas money
9 after reading this list you have done most if not all
10 if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
 
NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common
 
NO GROW

NO GROW

Well-Known Member
What does a hooker and this threads jokes have in common?

They both suck!!!



HAHAHAHAHHLOLLOLHAHALOLHA
 
W

WhatAmIDoing

Well-Known Member
fdd2blk said:
you might be a pot head if
1 you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better
2 you have actually put out a fire with bong water
3 the term "hydro" does not mean water
4 you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop
5 you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you
6 you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7 your best friends are your dealer and your roller
8 you sell your car for gas money
9 after reading this list you have done most if not all
10 if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
Click to expand...
Since I've been smoking, I don't get 4:20...Apart from "that's just when you light up" it really doesn't seem to have meaning...does it?
 
W

WhatAmIDoing

Well-Known Member
Hahaa..So like, completely obscure relation. Gettysburg Address, Lincoln refers to it as "Four score and 7 years ago". A score is twenty. .....?

lol.
 
tahoe58

tahoe58

Well-Known Member
lil' jonny was trying to get to sleep but he heard a commotion in his parent room. Jonny went down the hall and cracked open the door....only to see his dad bent over his mom, and his mom moaning and groaning. His dad looks over flashes a great big smile and with a thumbs up....waves Jonny away.....

A little later in the evening, the father was trying to get some sleep....when he was bothered by the commotion coming from lil'Jonny's room. The father got out of bed, and marched down to his son's room....and peaked in....there was lil'Jonny ,banging away on Grandma....looking at his dsad...and says.....ain't so funny when it YOUR mom eh?!:mrgreen:
 
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