Well here goes, im 26 years old and i live in the northern part of the US. I grew up never knowing my real father, i met him when i turned 16 and will most likely never hear from him again. At first this concept confused me, i wondered... why is it that my own father didnt want me around? The older i got, the easier it became to understand how humans work, and how their minds operate. It had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him. It wasn't my fault but his own fault. When i was 3 or 4 i was adopted by my step father, though i still have my real mother. He is what you would say, a hardcore christian. I was indoctrinated with stories of god from the early age of 4, until i became old enough to start asking questions. When no one could provide me with the answers to the questions i had, and all that was returned to me was anger and resentment, i caught on to the mystical and fantastical bullshit. Though at that time, i just couldn't understand why these adults lied to themselves so easily. (This is another reason why i wonder so much why i am me, and what makes me feel the way i feel) When i was younger, if i did something wrong, or if i told a lie, i wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. So every night before i went to bed, if i was dishonest about something... i would cry, and cry... until i went and got my mom, and told her exactly what was wrong, and FINALLY i would be able to sleep. I wondered how all of these humans could lie so easily and still be able to sleep at night... and as i got older, i began to understand... that the lies they tell themselves actually help THEM sleep at night. This notion made me sick, the realization of this made me feel so alone in the world, confused about why my mind refuses to let me sleep if im dishonest, and the dishonesty helps these fools rest so easily. I found out sooner than later, that fear is what motivates people to act in this way. And after careful inspection and reflection, i realized that fear comes from ignorance, fear comes from not knowing, not knowing whats going on, not knowing whats going to happen, not knowing if im going to get hurt or not etc. etc. For some reason i wasn't afraid, i wasn't afraid to live a life without answers to my most pertinent questions. I began to feast my brain upon science, which to me this is the closest as i am ever going to get to figuring out what is the closest approximation to the truth i can get. Honesty with myself is all that i cherish, all that i want, and with science... i could be completely honest with myself about what i know, and what i don't know.
I guess the reason why i "attack" religion/spirituality/mysticism/theology/metaphysics, is because it sickens me, it disgusts me down to my very being that so many people feel so good about being so dishonest with themselves. Maybe im just jealous, i bet if i could do it i would... but i cant. Like, i don't see anything wrong at all if you tell me that you think the idea of spirituality is cool, so your gonna live by those standards... its when someone claims certainty in the absence of it, and vigorously lie to themselves so much that they actually start to believe it. The thing about this is, that when people actually believe the lies that they tell themselves, i think a part of their subconscious knows this, and it is this that drives them to talk others into believing their lie... because the more others believe in their lie, the easier it is for them to believe it too.
My christian step father and my mother got a divorce when i turned 15, this was extremely hard on me. At this point i completely dislike my father, i can finally see through his hypocritical ways, as he hides behind religion in order to justify his homophobic, racist, and selfish ways. I was forced by the courts to stay with him, but when i turned 17 i said i don't give a fuck, ill run away, im not going to stay at that place anymore. So i moved in with my mom, at this point in time in my life i was pretty depressed. I had just recently been in a very bad car accident, i broke 7 ribs, my collarbone, a vertibrea in my neck, and punctured both of my lungs. It was extremely difficult for me because im the type of person who is always outside playing around, and i had to go through physical therapy and walk with a cane for a while. It was during this time that the realization of the absurdity of existence hit me really hard, but i didn't even know that THAT was the cause of my depression at the time. It wasn't until i turned 25 that i realized what was actually happening to me. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol after that, started with cannabis and tried every drug i could find, searching for nothing but pleasure and fun in a time of my life where nothing else mattered but having a good time, anything that would get me away from thinking about the absurd, from thinking about my depression. (Pretty much how i feel right now lol, except i am much more responsible, honest and empathetic towards others, (which fills me with happiness) and i accept absurdity with compassion rather than running away in fear) I had this girlfriend, her mom had a prescription to oxycontin, long story short i started booting it up, and started using heroin. I had gotten put on probation for cannabis, and i had moved out of my moms and had been living with different friends about 9 months after my accident... so this was right before i turned 18. I had a good job helping mentally handicapped adults and cleaning a house working 3rd shift. Well my mother had found out i had been shooting up, she thought i was going to die, she worked for the courthouse and cityhall and she knew that it was a probation violation to move, and not notify your probation officer of the new address... quite the loophole wouldn't you agree?
Needless to say, i spent the next two weeks in jail... and from there i took a plane directly to mississippi, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. It was a 20,000 dollar fuckin 4 month rehab program. Good thing my step father has some serious cash or else id probably be dead with a needle in my arm by now, either way, that was quite the experience. I hated it there, and i hated even more the twelve step program and how it had to do with god, fuck that shit, maybe those psychological weaklings need that shit but not me i said. I used this time in isolation, talking to myself, getting to know myself, asking myself questions i had been hiding from for so long. I began to understand, but not fully, the reasons behind my drug use and how i used them to hide from facing myself...and the absurdity. This was a great time of transformation in my life, but really it was just the stepping stone to getting me where i am today. The biggest transformation that occurred in rehab was the promise to myself that i would never again lie to myself, nor would i lie to anyone else (unless i came up with a really good justification, like say i ate some food at a restaurant i was working at and i would have gotten fired if i had admitted to it, that kinda shiz) Honesty with myself, became my life's ultimate goal.
I left rehab and immediately began smoking cannabis again, and vowed to never touch another drug. Which lasted for a while, but not for too long lol. A few months after i moved back in with my mother, she decided she was moving to ohio with my little brother (i have two brothers, my older brother is 29 and he is a sociopath, my little brother is 20 and he is my other half, my best friend) so i moved into an apartment with my best friend at the time. It was nothing but party central, different chicks every night, gettin fuckin hammered playin guitar hero, switching chicks with my friend and talking about how it was. Just pure crazyness, alcohol, women, sex, women, cannabis, women.. pretty much how it went for about a year or so. One night my friend and i had taken some zanax, and i decided to drive to the store, about a half a block away from the apartment i got into a wreck, and was taken to jail, pissed dirty, and spent a good 5 months there... When i got out i moved back in with my buddy, and things were very different then. No more parties, no more chicks, just pretty much workin, saving money, playing video games, and smokin pot...
I'm going to end this story right here, even though there is much more to say, and so many experiences left out that got me to the point i am at today. Don't forget man, there are people out there that have it SO MUCH worse off than we do. We worry about being happy, about girlfriends, about going out to bars (if thats your thing) while there are millions of others who worry about weather or not they are going to get to eat today, if they are going to get to drink water and not get sick from it, if they are going to be killed in their sleep.
In time, and this took me 20 years to figure out, is that happiness is a choice bro, its up to you. You must take action and do the things that give you the most happiness, and stop doing things that make you sad. Here's something i wrote when i was going through my transformation and i think it might make sense to you.
The Art of Being;
Everyone has the ability to change who they are whenever they want. There are no restrictions when it comes to making decisions about yourself, about who you are or about who you really want to be. I personally find things about myself all the time that I try to change, not that I dont like myself dont get me wrong. I love myself and consider myself to be a good natured person. But that there are aspects about myself I find I dislike sometimes. Its so hard to see those things, its possibly the hardest thing any individual could ever do
to admit to yourself there are things about you that you dont like, or need to change. It takes courage, patience and a very strong mind. Sometimes it even takes others help or influence to help you recognize aspects about yourself you never knew existed, or have been hiding from yourself for as long as you can remember. Once we gain the ability to criticize ourselves, to analyze ourselves
not our lives. Those are the moments we can become one with who we are and who we truly want to be. And maybe, maybe that is where true happiness comes from, and from there we can share it with the rest of the world. Happiness does not come from something external of you, it resides within.
Good luck dude, you can do this shit. I may not have any beliefs... but that doesn't mean i don't believe in you.
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