F%ckers Need To Laugh !!!

kochab

kochab

New Member
Stoney McFried said:
Special Bullfrog
One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her boyfriend a birthday present. She tells the owner, "I want to get my boyfriend a pet, but I only have $20. What do you have for that?" The owner says, "Hmm. I only have pedigree animals here, but I think I have something in back," and he goes back and comes out with a bullfrog. He says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog, this bullfrog gives blowjobs."
Thinking the frog could save her a little work around the house, the lady said, "I'll take it."
She takes it home and gives it to her boyfriend, who is less than thrilled. She smiles and says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog - I'm going to leave you two alone and let you get to know each other."
About 45 minutes later, the lady hears pots and pans banging around in the kitchen, she runs in and yells, "What the hell is going on around here!?"
The man looks up from a cookbook and says, "If I can teach this frog how to cook you're outta here."
Click to expand...
Ive heard this one before and I loved it. Funny every time that I hear it. :)
 
marijuana~momma

marijuana~momma

Well-Known Member
hehe, okay then i change my mind, you aren't that great after all!!! lol
i was trying to say something nice, be friendly and all!! haha.... Thanks for setting me straight..... :)
 
Stoney McFried

Stoney McFried

Well-Known Member
Oh, hell, I'm sorry!Wasn't trying to be mean, just didnt want anyone to think I was taking credit for anyone elses joke.:hug:
marijuana~momma said:
hehe, okay then i change my mind, you aren't that great after all!!! lol
i was trying to say something nice, be friendly and all!! haha.... Thanks for setting me straight..... :)
Click to expand...
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
Three guys go to a party and it grows and grows until they all get separated. They meet up a few days later and were all discussing how fucked up they got at that party.

The first guy says..." Man, I got so fucked up that night I went home and blew chunks!"

Second guy said..."Thats nothing! I ran my car into a ditch and hit a telephone pole on the way home. Ditched the car and called a taxi and tow truck."

Third guys says .. " I have you both beat. When I got home I started banging my girl and didn't realize it but knocked over the candle onto the carpet and caught the damn place on fire. Fire trucks and police showed up and everything."

First guy leans over in a calm voice and says..." I don't think you guys understand but 'Chunks' is my dog."
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
For anybody who doesn't know who Hellen Keller was she was a moot. Blind, deaf and dumb. These are a bit older so maybe you've heard some of them.

How did Helen Keller break her arm?
Trying to read a speed limit sign.

How did she burn her fingers?
Trying to read the waffle iron.

Why was her leg yellow?
Her dog was blind too.

How did she burn her ear?
Answering the iron.

How did her parents punish her?
Left the toilet plunger in the toilet. ( Or, rearrange the furniture)

Why did her dog jump off of the cliff?
You would too if your name was ( Can't spell how it would sound but its how a moot would call a dog) Funny when heard.:mrgreen:
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
Each day on his way to school Johnny would have to pass by this whore house. Each morning the same lady would be out there sitting on the steps, smoking a cigarette in her blue robe. When Johnny would pass by she would wave to him with her pinky finger and say "Hi little boy."

This went on for about a week and the boy was not understanding what she was doing so he went to her and asked..." Why each time I pass by you wave to me with your pinky and say "Hi little boy" to me?

She said "Well, you are a little boy and that is how I express it."

So the following day he passes by again and she is there and the normal happens.. She waves with her pinky and says " Hi little boy."

The little boy drops his bookbag and puts his index fingers in his mouth pulling out on each side and yells " Hey you fucking whore!"
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
A man is driving along and notices a girl walking and stops and asks if she needs a ride. She said "sure."He asks her where she wants to go and she said oh just to the top of the hill over there...so he takes her and she said you can stop here. She looks at him and asks if he wants a blowjob and he says that would be great! So the lady blows him and when she is finished she said.."That will be $15." He looks at her and asks "Why should I pay you $15?" and the lady said.. "I forgot to tell you I'm a hooker."

The man looks at her and said "I also forgot to tell you that I'm a cab driver and the ride up here is going to be $20."
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
A little boy is walking down a dirt road and has some wire in his hand. The farmer who was standing on the front porch as he passed by yelled to him and said..." Son...where do you think you are going with that wire in your hand?"

The boy replied..."This ain't just any wire farmer..this is chicken wire and I'm about to go catch me some chickens."

Farmer scratched his head and said..." You ain't gonna catch no chickens that away boy."

Sure enough a couple of hours later here comes the boy with a chicken under each arm.

A few days later the boy is walking up the road and this time has some tape in his hands. Tossing it in the air and catching it. The farmer again notices the boy and asks....

"Son, where do you think you are going with that tape in your hands?"

The boy replied...." This ain't just any tape farmer, this is 'duck' tape and I'm going to go catch some ducks."

Again the farmer scratched his head, laughed and said..."You ain't gonna catch any ducks with that tape boy."

Here he comes again a few hours later and sure enough a duck under each arm.

A few more days pass and the boy comes walking up the dirt road with a large stick in his hand...tapping it on the road as he walks along. Again the farmer notices this and yells to the boy....

"Son, where are you going now with that stick in your hand?"

The boy replied...." Farmer this ain't just any stick. I got this stick off of a pussy willow tree."

The farmer said in a rush....."Hold on son, let me get my hat."
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
A dog flea and crotch crab were best friends. They always met on the park bench the same time each day. One day they were sitting there talking and the dog flea notices a gorgeous yellow lab being walked up the sidewalk and says to the crotch crab.... " I think I will take a ride on that dog. See you tomorrow same time."

Well the crotch crab noticed the girl walking him was also a hot blond and decided to take a trip himself and jumped on the girl as she passed by.

The following day the flea is there waiting on the crab but he never shows up.. Next day nothing.. Week later, still no crab. Finally one day the crab shows back up and the flea asked him..."Where the hell have you been? We were suppose to meet here the following day."

Crotch crab said..." You won't believe what happened to me. I jumped on that blond and the first thing she did was go home and take a shower and tried to drown me. Next she gets out of the shower and puts on some body talc and almost suffocated me. The she went to a bar and started drinking...spilt a bit of liquor down her pants ....the next thing I remember was waking up on some truck drivers mustache heading to Montana!"
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
Two ladies go fishing. While approaching the pond the one lady says to the other... I will fish the left side of the lake today, you can fish the right.

After the day was over the lady on the left side of the pond had caught all of the fish.

The next time they went fishing the lady said..today I will fish on the right side of the pond, you can fish the left side.

Once again when the day was over the lady on the right side had caught all of the fish.

Her friend was puzzled and confused and said to her friend... "I just don't understand. You fished on the left side the first day and caught all of the fish and I caught none. Then the next time you fished on the right side and caught all of the fish and I caught none. How do you know which side of the pond to fish on."

She said it's simple... each morning before I go fishing I lift up the covers and see which side my husbands penis is lying on. If it is on the left, I fish on the left.. if it is on the right, I fish on the right.

Her friend asked her... "What if it is in the middle?"

She said with a smile... "I don't go fishing on those days":mrgreen:
 
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