A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

There was a guy that was really horny so he goes to a whorehouse. When he gets there he finds out that he only has five dollar on him, so he asks the madam if five dollars would get him anything. She said, I have a dead whore in room seven. You can fuck her for five dollars. At first the guy wasn't going to do it but he was so horny that he decided he would, so he went to room seven and fucked the Hell out of the dead whore. When he was finished the madam asked him how it was. He said, it was really pretty good, but the whole time I was fucking her there was some sort of white stuff coming out of her nose and mouth. The madam said, oh, she must be full again.

Please lengthen your message to at least 10 characters.
View attachment 1835804

dirtyho1968 said:

Please lengthen your message to at least 10 characters.
View attachment 1835804

Click to expand...

Well this joke has numerous possibilities.

I'll rep ya for a good one.

Two gay guys decide they want to have a baby. They jerkoff into a cup and use it to get a female friend pregnant. Nine months later they go to the hospital to see their new baby. Look, says one of the gay guys, our baby is the best one of them all, it's not crying like the rest. A nurse says, it's not crying now, but wait until we pull the pacifier out of it's ass.

A rich man and a poor man were talking about anniversaries and asked each other what they bought their wife. The rich man said he bought his wife a Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring. The poor man asked the rich man why he bought both? The rich man said, if my wife doesn't like the diamond ring she can drive her Mercedes to the jewelry store and exchange it for something she would rather have. Then the rich man asked the poor man what he bought his wife. The poor man said, I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo. The rich man asked the poor man why he chose those two gifts. The poor man said, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

I girl told a guy that she had a tight pussy and the guy didn't believe her and said prove it. The girl said, OK, stick a finger in my pussy ... so the guy did. Then she said, stick another finger in my pussy ... and the guy did. Then she said, now stick all your fingers in my pussy ... and the guy did as she said. Next she said, now shove your entire hand in my pussy .... so the guy slid his hand all the way in. Then she said, now stick your other hand in my pussy ... so the guy stuck his other hand in her pussy. Next she said, OK, now clap. The guy said, I can't. The girl replied, see, I told you I was tight.

A guy walks into a bar . . .

and leaves empty handed lol

A man walked into his house and had a sheep on a leash. He walked up to his wife and said, this is the pig I've been fucking. His wife said, that's not a pig, that's a sheep. The man said, I wasn't talking to you.

Brick Top said:

A man walked into his house and had a sheep on a leash. He walked up to his wife and said, this is the pig I've been fucking. His wife said, that's not a pig, that's a sheep. The man said, I wasn't talking to you.

Click to expand...

but the wife never found about that female dog he was fucking, down the coner
what a bitch eh.

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
"He replies 'Well it worked for your ass' !

In Russia, a bar walks into you.

An Asian and a Jew are sitting across from each other on a train.
Suddenly the Jew reaches over and bops the Asian one.
"Heyyy! What was that for!?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor, you dog!"
Pearl Harbor?? That was the Japanese! I'm from Beijing, man."
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" said the Jew.

The two subside into sullen silence, until the Chinese man bops the Jew one.
"What was that for!?"
"That was for the Titanic, you pig!" exults the Chinese guy.
"Titanic?? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That was an iceberg, for God's sake!"
With a smirk, the Chinese guy says
"Iceberg, Goldberg ... what's the difference?"
cn

Two guys sitting in a bar, one says to the other, "What's your favorite sexual position?"
The other guy says, "Wellll, I'm partial to Rodeo Sex."
First guy says, "I never heard of Rodeo Sex, how do you do it."
Other guy says, "You get the woman down on all fours then you enter her from behind and reach around and grab her tits and say "Wow these feel just like your sister's.".......
.......Then you try to hold on for eight seconds."

How to Bathe the Cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and will produce ample suds. (ignore rucus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door,stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.
Sincerly, The Dog

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right
into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers
finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to order another one from Massachusetts?"

Great jokes Herbose!!

herbose said:

How to Bathe the Cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and will produce ample suds. (ignore rucus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door,stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.
Sincerly, The Dog

Click to expand...

†LOL† dude, as fucked up as that is, I'm glad I didn't hear that joke when I had my last cat as a teenager. Giving that bastard a bath was like handling a demon from hell whose sole desire was to tear apart my flesh. I would have heard it, laughed...Then gone serious and starting staring at the toilet, contemplating on wether or not I should try it...damn sure would have saved me some blood loss...

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I want a bourbon and.................. coke”.

The bartender asks, “what’s with the huge pause?”

The bear say, “I’ve had them all my life.”

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a shit near each other. The bear asked the rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit said, no, so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.