How do you deal with your depression?

This is the reason why I smoke cannabis. This is no place for snobby card-wielders to show condescension.

I've been all over three different states bouncing from doctor to doctor in attempt to find one with the knowledge to actually help me. I've been on over 25 prescription medications, I've seen at least 8 different professionals that I can think of, I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with "severe chronic depression," I've been misdiagnosed with tourettes syndrome, bipolar disease, and schizophrenia, and I've been boxed and shipped off to mental institutes before. I am a shadow, or a shell of who I used to be because of the plethora of reactions caused by these medications. I feel numb to many emotions and I'm lucky if I get a spark of anything weeks at a time. I've failed in so many relationships and friendships because I simply do not possess the energy, emotion, or will to put forth effort. Does this sound like a pity party yet?

Well I could not blame you if you think that.

I am a man who believes in the power of personal development over the power of anything else. With that being said, I have had my damn nose to the grindstone for years now working on how to be a better me. I've come far in many ways, but I cannot untie this knot...

Do you believe that it's very easy to forget about something if you haven't experienced it in a while? I do.

The rare times I do experience a rush of emotion, euphoria, positivity, confidence, and motivation, are the times that I realize I'm DEFINITELY not who I should be. Even as a young child, I felt there was something wrong with my emotions. My mother was a deadbeat mom who laid on the couch depressed all day, and so was her mom. I am only 21 years old, and I made up my mind many years ago that I would never have kids because I refuse to give birth to life hindered by genetically inherited chemical imbalances within the brain (that's what the docs always say).

So to summarize, it is a daily and forever ongoing battle for me and I've lost so much I love and care about because of this. Cannabis is THE ONLY medication out of the dozens I have tried that brings me hope. It's also the only one that hasn't changed me for the worse, and it continues to break through the 10 ft wall of crap between my blank self and my much missed emotions.

That is my story. Well... the basics, anyway.

Now I'd like to know if there is anyone here like me who'd like to share how they cope? Maybe tell me your methods of personal development? Or even if you'd like to share your story just to talk about things, that is fine as well. I have to ask those who don't understand the subject to refrain from posting their opinions.

Much thanks for your time, friends.

I know what you mean and I can't imagine what it's like to feel like an empty vessel for that long.

My expirience was short lived and I'll leave it at that because of people's strong opinions.

Personally, when I hit salvia I saw my emotional level get much better. But I went back to smoking weed which made it stoop back down again. But the salvia deffinately helped break down that paper wall that was so suffocating.

ULEN said:

I know what you mean and I can't imagine what it's like to feel like an empty vessel for that long.

My expirience was short lived and I'll leave it at that because of people's strong opinions.

Personally, when I hit salvia I saw my emotional level get much better. But I went back to smoking weed which made it stoop back down again. But the salvia deffinately helped break down that paper wall that was so suffocating.

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Yeah, I was a little worried about opinions on this thread since many people seem to think "can't even feel happy" is fake. They just don't understand and I'm relieved they don't, lol. I wouldn't wish this shit on any person. But opinions are opinions, and they are just, based on my beliefs of human rights so what can ya do

When I did acid, I felt a bit of an emotional release, but it was short-lived.

Like well I feel the same way but the only thing that helps is weed but I live in Virginia were there are no dispensaries so now iam growing my own weed so I'll have a constant supply so I can have something that will actually help me

This is actually the biggest reason why I want to try psilocybin. Maybe it could reverse some of the damage these pills and manufactured chemicals have caused.

tytheguy111 said:

Like well I feel the same way but the only thing that helps is weed but I live in Virginia were there are no dispensaries so now iam growing my own weed so I'll have a constant supply so I can have something that will actually help me

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Yeah, I'm in Ohio. Shitty outdoor season, pretty lenient possession laws, but illegal none the less.

UncleReemis said:

Yeah, I'm in Ohio. Shitty outdoor season, pretty lenient possession laws, but illegal none the less.

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Yeah it sucks to her about all these people in cail growing 10 plants outside legally and I can only grow one outside with out getting caught and getting a felony charge


But in Virginia you can get a doctor to give you a recommendation for weed but you cant get it from a dispensary cuz there are none

tytheguy111 said:

Yeah it sucks to her about all these people in cail growing 10 plants outside legally and I can only grow one outside with out getting caught and getting a felony charge


But in Virginia you can get a doctor to give you a recommendation for weed but you cant get it from a dispensary cuz there are none

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It's horseshit really. Drugs that alter and reprogram your mind, like Seroquel, are legal... but the natural and native stuff is a felony charge. I owe many of my problems to the law, considering if MMJ were to be legal when I began this adventure, I'd be a totally different and healthier person today.

Tai Chi has reduced almost all my need for meds. Definitely changed my life. Peace out bro

Jimdamick said:

Tai Chi has reduced almost all my need for meds. Definitely changed my life. Peace out bro

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Already looking into it. Lol thanks for posting man.

UncleReemis said:

It's horseshit really. Drugs that alter and reprogram your mind, like Seroquel, are legal... but the natural and native stuff is a felony charge. I owe many of my problems to the law, considering if MMJ were to be legal when I began this adventure, I'd be a totally different and healthier person today.

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Yeah man I was topamax and lexapro and its made my suicidal depression better but I felt as if I wasn't myself and I was in a heavy fog but I stopped taking it all together and now I smoke weed whenever I feel like that and it definitely helps better then these fucking evil pills that dont do anything but make it worse so you'll buy more pills and up the dosage that the doctor told you and you end up at 250mg of lexapro and you just feel worse then you did

tytheguy111 said:

Yeah man I was topamax and lexapro and its made my suicidal depression better but I felt as if I wasn't myself and I was in a heavy fog but I stopped taking it all together and now I smoke weed whenever I feel like that and it definitely helps better then these fucking evil pills that dont do anything but make it worse so you'll buy more pills and up the dosage that the doctor told you and you end up at 250mg of lexapro and you just feel worse then you did

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Yep. Cymbalta, Welbutrin, Effexor, Seroquel, Adderall, Lithium, Prozac, Lexapro, Topamax, tried em all. The list goes on. I feel you for sure, you and I are in the same spot I think

Do you grow your own weed Remis?

st0wandgrow said:

Do you grow your own weed Remis?

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I've only been smoking for 2 years, but yes I do scarcely. I haven't had the opportunity to grow enough to last me a while, and I have to be VERY stealthy where I'm at for multiple reasons.

However, just simply growing it alone without the high has been more therapeutic for my needs than the pills.

UncleReemis said:

This is actually the biggest reason why I want to try psilocybin. Maybe it could reverse some of the damage these pills and manufactured chemicals have caused.

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I was wondering whether it was my place to say anything, but since you've basically cued me up I will.
There has been a scientific study (can't remember specifics, I heard about it on the Mysterious Universe podcast) where magic mushrooms were given to patients diagnosed with terminal ilnesses in sensible rather than mind melting doses. The end result seemed to be that the brain just got on and worked it's way through a lot of the issues the patient was facing sub consciously and they ended feeling at peace with the situation.
I gotta say, I personally think that psychadelics like mushrooms or lsd tend to work with whatever mood you're in, I only ever used to drop trips if I was up for it and in the mood, never to get myself in the mood if you follow me.
I'm sure the study wad oretty recent, withing 5 years or so, so google might have some more relevant info for you.

In the mean time, just follow pinworm and chingowns about reading their posts. that should lift your spirits!

UncleReemis said:

I've only been smoking for 2 years, but yes I do scarcely. I haven't had the opportunity to grow enough to last me a while, and I have to be VERY stealthy where I'm at for multiple reasons.

However, just simply growing it alone without the high has been more therapeutic for my needs than the pills.

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That touches on the point I was going to make .....

Personal growth.

I battled depression for a while after kicking an opiate addiction. Nothing to the degree that you're dealing with, but depression none the less. IMO, the solution will never be found in a pill bottle. What really kicked my ass in to gear was growing weed ..... but more specifically growing organically. I can honestly say that since taking the plunge, I wake up every day looking forward to *at least* that in my life. There is something very therapeutic about learning how plants tick, making your own soil, becoming a worm farmer and making your own castings to add to your own soil. I'm not sure if it's simply the fact that I'm pushing myself to master something new, or if there really is something more to it. Maybe taking a botany class at a local college would be a good idea. Stimulating your brain on a topic that you're already interested in.

I also derive a great deal of pleasure in helping people. I've become quite active in the local marijuana scene around here, and it really is good for the soul to be able to help people that are less fortunate. It's almost like a high in and of itself.

I wish you all the best. Hopefully this will be a chapter in your book that you can turn the page on.

I believe cannabis use does help my depression, but not in the normal sense, more of a cognitive rather than biological sense. I find using cannabis is more of a reward scenario, where people like us with troubled minds can just switch off and enjoy an evening and a good nights sleep. The depression cure in my view is the "knowing " that that reward is waiting for us at the end of a day and so gives us motivation during the day. With me I feel during the day, like "yeah, lets get shit done, I'll write that paper and I'll work out, I'll have a shower, tidy up and then mary jane is waiting for me" . So there is the pre use excitement, then there is the insomnia relief after the stone which , of curse, getting good sleep is very important to help the brains functioning.

Growan said:

I was wondering whether it was my place to say anything, but since you've basically cued me up I will.
There has been a scientific study (can't remember specifics, I heard about it on the Mysterious Universe podcast) where magic mushrooms were given to patients diagnosed with terminal ilnesses in sensible rather than mind melting doses. The end result seemed to be that the brain just got on and worked it's way through a lot of the issues the patient was facing sub consciously and they ended feeling at peace with the situation.
I gotta say, I personally think that psychadelics like mushrooms or lsd tend to work with whatever mood you're in, I only ever used to drop trips if I was up for it and in the mood, never to get myself in the mood if you follow me.
I'm sure the study wad oretty recent, withing 5 years or so, so google might have some more relevant info for you.

In the mean time, just follow pinworm and chingowns about reading their posts. that should lift your spirits!

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I've read that certain lineage of monks would use small but daily doses for enlightenment. Hmm. Yeah, Pinworm gives me chuckles xD

puffdatchronic said:

I believe cannabis use does help my depression, but not in the normal sense, more of a cognitive rather than biological sense. I find using cannabis is more of a reward scenario, where people like us with troubled minds can just switch off and enjoy an evening and a good nights sleep. The depression cure in my view is the "knowing " that that reward is waiting for us at the end of a day and so gives us motivation during the day. With me I feel during the day, like "yeah, lets get shit done, I'll write that paper and I'll work out, I'll have a shower, tidy up and then mary jane is waiting for me" . So there is the pre use excitement, then there is the insomnia relief after the stone which , of curse, getting good sleep is very important to help the brains functioning.

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I use it as incentive sometimes, but I'm honestly a better and more positive worker/student when I'm under the influence of it. I see what you're saying though, but my case is to the extreme where I'm always at a mentally healthier state when I'm high compared to sober. It sounds like a mental addiction, but I've had enough time and experience to distinguish the difference. The loving, patient, and passionate person I really am is in a sense awakened when I'm medicated. Even if I only have one or two hits and can't even feel the high, I can still tell a difference in the way I look at life.

st0wandgrow said:

That touches on the point I was going to make .....

Personal growth.

I battled depression for a while after kicking an opiate addiction. Nothing to the degree that you're dealing with, but depression none the less. IMO, the solution will never be found in a pill bottle. What really kicked my ass in to gear was growing weed ..... but more specifically growing organically. I can honestly say that since taking the plunge, I wake up every day looking forward to *at least* that in my life. There is something very therapeutic about learning how plants tick, making your own soil, becoming a worm farmer and making your own castings to add to your own soil. I'm not sure if it's simply the fact that I'm pushing myself to master something new, or if there really is something more to it. Maybe taking a botany class at a local college would be a good idea. Stimulating your brain on a topic that you're already interested in.

I also derive a great deal of pleasure in helping people. I've become quite active in the local marijuana scene around here, and it really is good for the soul to be able to help people that are less fortunate. It's almost like a high in and of itself.

I wish you all the best. Hopefully this will be a chapter in your book that you can turn the page on.

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Helping people is one of the things I've turned to as well, and you're totally right about growing... It has given me a passion I hold onto dearly. In fact, it's probably the main reason my last relationship failed is because she couldn't wrap her head around why I was growing it. She hated everything about it, while dating someone who loves it. Collision!

But I totally see what you're saying. It's hard to thrive in an illegal state like that though, and none of my RL friends give a shit about growing. They just like getting blitzed. I feel like I can't personally share this passion with people outside of RIU, and I can't.

It's a constant on going thing. Growing trees and smoking pot sure does help soothe, but it just piles everything up at the end.

True story, I was depressed one day pretty bad. I thought I'd change it up a bit and just smoke a bunch of my weed all day. So I grabbed a chair and propped it in the middle of my yard on a sunny day. Must of been the music/mentality or the setting, but I was super chill and relaxed when it happened.

An extreme rush of beautiful and loving emotion just overflowed with an extreme rush of pure joy. Never have I felt such happiness, grace, love or understanding. The light was IT.

What IT brought to me made everything else seem minuscule. That helped me out tons. Call the light whatever you like but when I need strength I know where to look for it and that does it for me.

I still smoke weed for my ongoing issues because i don't know how else to cope with it. But I've tried to inoculate my own jars with shroom spores because I'm on the same page as you thinking it can help getting the mind straight. But if it doesn't how further down the rabbit hole can it push?