Thanks for the input about the Philippines... lots of big bugs huh?? ever been to the Deep South United States... is it like that?
Im sitting here toking a bowl... wondering- and feeling:
The money. As much as its not a big deal it left a huge scar, and is easily one of the most devastating things that was ever done. Deep and powerful, the implications and consequences are not a choice, for me,unfortunately... but rather a choice that was made for me. I suppose I understand that there isnt anything I am really willing to do about it outside of being disgusted (literally sick to my stomach) and hurt/angry. Just let it go and keep going the best I can that's for sure. But everything else, all those other little things that built up over time.... on top of those most heinous. Its been 3 weeks now, the longest that I know of... and I dont see any going back. I cant see ever taking the risk again. Not with That which matters most. I may be a fool with my own heart, and incapable of controling it or to force it to feel or not feel anything. God it hurts, fucking kills me, eats at me all the time. Constant reminders.... and thats where I have to cut that off.... is what it is, and as much as I dont really know what happened with that.... only pain comes out of that can of worms.
3 weeks now. No big deal to me, if it were just me.... but for them. They dont ask, nor make mention. I cant fucking believe it. What if it were me? Would they ask? How long would they persist? Do they not know that so long as there is breathe in my body and I live, it is for nothing but them First? Do they not know that they are all my heart and life..... would they persist... as I would? But they arent. It scares the piss out of me, hurts, and makes it easier to follow through with those choices made for me. I cannot deny my core and my essence, I will not. Yes, they ask for a mom... "Can that girl be my mommy?" and I look away so she doesnt see my expression. telling people "I am going to find a new mommy." No tears... tantrums... requests... questions... demands... nothing. Its like I feel the missing piece 10 fold to them.... or perhaps I am only more aware of it.
Driving down the road this afternoon remembering my naieve arrogant thoughts and words of the past... how well I have been proven wrong. Sure would be a lot easier if she wasnt all over the place though... if she wasnt sending me nonsensical bullshit messages.... people talking/asking about her all the time.... I know..... Time. Yeah... its going... will get there. I do wonder if this will ever go away though... these thoughts and feelings. after 1 year and 9 months of trying to believe otherwise... I now know that it was all intentional, every jab and every stab.... the kids just collateral damage to her. literally going to go puke now.