Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS
- Thread starter Big P
- Start date
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
Marriage is like a deck of cards....
In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a fucking club and a spade
cof
In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a fucking club and a spade
cof
Carne Seca
Well-Known Member
Yep. Mr. Santorum pissed off the wrong homosexual.
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member
Can you imagine what it will be like around here when the election is at hand? 
That's how I'll handle it.
That's how I'll handle it.
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as aChristmas gift...The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.When she asked him why, he replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"And that's how the fight started...---------------------------------------------------------------------My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were inBed.I turned to her and said,'Do you want to have Sex?''No,'She answered.I then said,'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
Kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
Table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
She sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
Split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and
Slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
Seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
The car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
Short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
cof
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
Kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
Table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
She sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
Split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and
Slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
Seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
The car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
Short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
cof
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People--
Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes
No wonder men are happier.
cof
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes
No wonder men are happier.
cof
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
He'll be fighting a rear-guard action for the entire campaign.
But he is perfectly positioned to come from behind. cn
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
LAST TRIP TO SAMS CLUB
Yesterday I was at my local SAMS CLUB buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I told her that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't try it again because I ended up in the hospital last time, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's fanny and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Sam's won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say
cof
Yesterday I was at my local SAMS CLUB buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I told her that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't try it again because I ended up in the hospital last time, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's fanny and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Sam's won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say
cof
Carne Seca
Well-Known Member
Me too and I'll be smoking a bowl in your honor. LOLCan you imagine what it will be like around here when the election is at hand?
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
old, but still relevant
"Suicide Bombers to go on Strike"
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda
announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive
after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The
rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization
of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this
was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much
in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of
modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell
3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales
and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect
their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims
know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
cof
"Suicide Bombers to go on Strike"
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda
announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive
after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The
rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization
of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this
was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much
in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of
modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell
3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales
and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect
their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims
know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
cof
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just
how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man.
cof
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just
how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man.
cof
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
ITALIANWOMENARE TOUGH! An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lip s parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife. "Get Away!" she said. "Those are for the funeral." cof |
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
These are awesome. I thought about copy&paste, but presentation matters. A "worst of" Yahoo Answers. There is even a good one about weed. cn
http://www.11points.com/web-tech/11_stupid_questions_from_yahoo_answers_that_have_changed_my_life
http://www.11points.com/web-tech/11_stupid_questions_from_yahoo_answers_that_have_changed_my_life
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
curious old fart
Well-Known Member
A WOMAN'S POEM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....
Like his mother used to do.
cof
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....
Like his mother used to do.
cof
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member
They can't be for real, can they? People sometimes just leave me scratching my arse and my head at the same time.
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member