It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer,
@Pinworm, woke up in a swamp. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling scarcely pleased,
@Pinworm slapped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved beard was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy,
@Pinworm himself.
@Pinworm had known
@Pinworm himself for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones.
@Pinworm himself was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... insensitive.
@Pinworm called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
@Pinworm himself picked up to a very mad
@Pinworm.
@Pinworm himself calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet legless puppies usually scandalously sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting
@Pinworm. Why was
@Pinworm himself trying to distract
@Pinworm? Because he had snuck out from
@Pinworm's with the beard only eleven days prior. It was a enchanting little beard... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before
@Pinworm got back to the subject at hand: his beard.
@Pinworm himself grimaced. Relunctantly,
@Pinworm himself invited him over, assuring him they'd find the beard.
@Pinworm grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone,
@Pinworm himself realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the beard and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if
@Pinworm took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least eleven minutes before
@Pinworm would get there. But if he took the spaceship? Then
@Pinworm himself would be abundantly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas,
@Pinworm himself was interrupted by six stupid cats that were lured by his beard.
@Pinworm himself turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he randomly reached for his live hand grenade and aptly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the spaceship rolling up. It was
@Pinworm.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap,
@Pinworm was out of the spaceship and went explosively jaunting toward
@Pinworm himself's front door. Meanwhile inside,
@Pinworm himself was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the beard into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his refrigerator.
@Pinworm himself was exasperated but at least the beard was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,'
@Pinworm himself indiscriminately purred. With a calculated push,
@Pinworm opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless self-righteous ass in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied. 'It's fine,'
@Pinworm himself assured him.
@Pinworm took a seat just under where
@Pinworm himself had hidden the beard.
@Pinworm himself belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But
@Pinworm was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado,
@Pinworm himself noticed a pestering look on
@Pinworm's face.
@Pinworm slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
@Pinworm himself felt a stabbing pain in his shin when
@Pinworm asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the beard right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on
@Pinworm's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'.
@Pinworm nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before
@Pinworm himself could react,
@Pinworm carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The beard was plainly in view.
@Pinworm stared at
@Pinworm himself for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious,
@Pinworm himself groped earnestly in
@Pinworm's direction, clearly desperate.
@Pinworm grabbed the beard and bolted for the door. It was locked.
@Pinworm himself let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, @Pinworm,' he rebuked.
@Pinworm himself always had been a little annoying, so
@Pinworm knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before
@Pinworm himself did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his beard tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
@Pinworm himself looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from
@Pinworm. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for
@Pinworm. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence.
@Pinworm himself walked over to the window and looked down.
@Pinworm was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder,
@Pinworm was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind
@Pinworm himself's place.
@Pinworm had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral cats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the beard. One by one they latched on to
@Pinworm. Already weakened from his injury,
@Pinworm yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of cats running off with his beard.
But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored
@Pinworm's beard. Feeling frustrated, God smote the cats for their injustice. Then He got in His amphibious vehicle and sped away with the fortitude of one million venomous koalas running from a huge pack of venomous koalas.
@Pinworm stumbled with joy when he saw this. His beard was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favorite TV show, As the World Turns, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet contraceptive').
@Pinworm was contented. And so, everyone except
@Pinworm himself and a few ebola-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.
........
