The Unofficial RIU Joke Page Duel?!?!

Q: What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

A: Kids won't eat broccoli.

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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

----------------------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered.......take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

-----------------------

git-r-done

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Phewee!!!Ok gang,i've got cramps in my fingers now....

Those should be enough to keep ya entertained for a lil while...
Lets hear what ya got...

There was this old couple in there 90s celebrating there 60th wedding anniversary at the resterant he proposed at. after dinner the man looked at is wife and said do you remember what we did after i proposed do you? She blushes and said yes, we made love outside in back! He asked do you want to try that again? Well she said OK. A coupla of guys in the next booth over heard this and watched them leave. The one buddy said lets go watch!
So out they whent. They saw the old couple slowly pull there nickers down and imbrace. then they leaned up against a fence and started going at it like these guys had never seen. This old couple go at it like rabbits for like 20min. till they fell over in exaustion! After a while the couple get up and are walking to there car. One of the guys says whats your secret Ive never seen an 80yr old with so much stamina? The old man replys the fence wasn't Electrified 60 yrs ago!

peace man

lol. I love Political Correctness. it's so fun to sit and laugh at it in all it's stupidity...

seriously, this is why everyone's such a pussy. PC makes them think it's not their fault when someone cusses them out.

(not that it always is, but there's usually instigation)

frostythesnowthug said:

I actually got this one at work yesterday --->
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Click to expand...

an eskimo driving in wales breaks down. A concerned driver pulls over to take a look at the car. After inspecting the car he says to the eskimo u have blown ur seal. The eskimo replies well u shag ur sheep.

There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said needed for paint job, Come here. So she went to the house and knocked on the door.
She said,I'm here for the paint job;and the guy said,Ok.Here's the paint I want you to paint the porch.

She said, No Problem, and set off to work. She finished the first coating and decided because it didn't take very long she would give it a second coat.

She finished the second and knocked on the door. She said, I gave it two coats and oh,by the way, It's not a porsche, It's a ferrari.



That's my favorite blonde joke.


------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walked into a bar.
The brunette ducked.

this is kind of sick,,,but i guess so am i!!! 3 generations of hookers sitting around the kitchen table on a sunday morning drinking coffee and telling stories,,,,,,grand-daughter says boy i had a good night last night, i got $150.00 a pop for blow-jobs!! mom said hoooo, in my best days we were lucky to get $25.00 for a blow-job!! grandma says let me tell you missies something, in my day we were just glad to have something warm in our stomachs!!!!!!

------------------

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women
with big boobs."

---------------------------

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?








Open Toad!

-----------------------

A young kid from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell him?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and=
he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pickup.

I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after
he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing."

--------------------

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, and with trembling hands, she opens it.

Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found a real passion, and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that mum, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed says that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's also one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt any-one and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who will be providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry mum, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Jenny.






P.S. Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my School Report Card that's in my desk drawer.
Jenny.

frostythesnowthug said:

git-r-done

Click to expand...

can you give me a link to this that doesnt say rollitup.org so I can send it to my parents?

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi are walking down the road when they see a 9 yr old boy playing out in his front yard.
The Catholic Priest says "Hey lets go fuck that little boy."
The Jewish Rabbi says "Out of what?"

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone:
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence:
"Well, stop fukcing clapping then!"

--------------------------
Two women in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

-------------------------

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little

TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the o n e with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

The gas companies new logo??-

How do you recycle a condom??






Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!!

dankforall said:

How do you recycle a condom??






Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!!

Click to expand...

I'm not sure why I laughed so much at that. I guess I'm just fuckin high, man. lol

Not sure if you 've seen these before, but they never fail to make me smile....
also check out the rest of the rathergood.com website for loadsa other bizarre n funny shit

Independent Woman - played by kittens - Joel Veitch rathergood.com, music by Elbow
Punk Kittens - They ROCK! by Joel Veitch rathergood.com - music White Stripes - Fell in Love With a Girl - many thanks to Liam Thompson for hosting the flash file

So how we doin with the jokes so far???

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

----------------------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered.......take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

-----------------------[/quote]



Tarzan made me spit coffee everywhere ... ,,Good joke ...

See The Docs Have Discoverd A Male Birth Control Pill

It Changes Your Blood Group

Haha

I'll start with another unanswered question:
Why do people drive in parkways and park in driveways?


Now my joke: Author (forgotten on a high night)
3 guys are training to be a spy. They are the last left out of thousands of people. They come to their final test and each seperately enter a room with 2 judges in it. The first guy enters and they say "For your final test we have your wife in the room to your right. Here's a gun and you must go kill her to show your loyalty." The guy instantly says no and walks out. The next guy enters and again they say "For your final test we have your wife in the room to your right. Here's a gun and you must go kill her to show your loyalty." He grabs the gun, walks in the room and about 3 minutes go by and he comes back out crying, saying he cant do it." He leaves and the last guy comes in and again the judges say "For your final test we have your wife in the room to your right. Here's a gun and you must go kill her to show your loyalty." He walks in the other room, a minute goes by and all of a sudden the judges hear glass breaking, things hitting the walls, things falling, and then it goes silent. The guy walks out and the judges ask "What was going on in there" The guy responds "The gun you gave me only had blanks in it so I had to beat her to death"