I have a hard time going back and reading through it all. This year has quite possibly been the most difficult and confusingly regressive in my entire life. Were I single, the failures and horrible befallings of the year wouldn't matter so much, and moving on would be incredibly simple. Im not though.... so now, my family must endure along with me on this unknown road of fear and pain, suffering in their innocence. Of course I feel like its all my fault, and I must have done something wrong somewhere. I don't know what though, and am highly critical of my past actions and activities. And everything that is going on in the rest of the world is not encouraging either. I feel a wave of terror at the pains people are facing, and going through, and how many people are in similar or worse positions than myself. Most, I am sure, have similar stories to my own as well, but their own of course. So many empty houses and vacant lots, so many homeless and jobless families, with every will and desire to earn their own good living, spiralling down in the cyclone of our society. We live in a time that nor supply or demand is truly at issue, but more the system of intercourse between the two, and how we measure ourselves in the world.
At this point I don't honestly see myself with much of a garden this upcoming year. I feel I would be stoked for a small one at this point, with enough to provide for smoke for myself for a year. As much as I love to grow, I don't have the resources in direct sight. The tower I wrote about not a couple of months ago has certainly crashed around me. My world has been shattered, and I am cutting myself on the pieces remaining, trying desperately to piece anything resembling a decent life back together.
But I have more than hope. For hope I do possess, I will carry on, and I do have choice. And it is in the power of choice and free will, that I may continue on with a smile, knowing what I have in this world that can never be taken from me, that it exists inside of me, and is me. There are good people in this world, and maybe we will get some help. Not a handout, more like opportunities. Opportunity that is real, and won't fuck me and my family over in the end. I know that I will do whatever it takes to achieve those realistic dreams I have, and that I should, in all rights, get there someday.
So whatever garden I do have, I am sure I will share. But as to how, or when or where..... who knows everything is up in the air. Life will show me my way, as surely as it has always done, every day. So with tears in my eyes I make the choice to smile..... and hope that people feel the tender love.
1BMM
