OK..........Heres the take of a newb, who doesn't know you, but grew up with some of the same shit in her life, and ran off , in rebellion, as a hellaciously bad teen, at 13, the first time.If it hadn't been for the interest , and love of a man , too old for me, but still wanting me, heaven knows what would have become of me.
And here I am, 40 years later, still with this man, so , he basically saved my life. He, to this day, claims I saved his .
Not the point , though............heres the point ; I was so full of anger and hatred, at my family, for so many years, and my man, who had a childhood like yours, had anger, too. Maybe thats what made us compatable.
Anyway...........one day he said to me " I'm done...., done with the anger, the nightmares, the hatred, .........I'm just letting it all go" , and as I watched, I saw a change,.........somehow he DID , let it go .
I kept asking him, " How did you do that? Why can't I ? " he just said it was like pushing a button inside him, and he just stopped thinking about it all.
As time went by, in our relationship, I realized, somewhere along the line, I , too had let the shit go.........I don't know when , or how, I just know I did.
It tends to re surface at holidays, but as I got older, and had a son of my own, and made the decision to end the cycle of violence and cruelty, that had forever changed both my man, and myself, then lost a few family members, to overdoses , and old age, things just seemed , ..........I don't know.........not worth feeling like that, over.
I wish I could say how, when or why , this happened, but , I can't. I can only say, at some point, you will find that shutoff button, I hope, and let go of all the old baggage, and start to fill a new suitcase, with nice, new stuff.
I wish you the best, and hope you are able to find, your "off " button, some time soon. Until then...........light up, sit back, and enjoy what good life offers.........
I'm not a "religious " person, so I just say........good luck , and may LIFE bless you.........and give you all you need.........
<3