This will pobably be my only post on RIU and I'll probably get into trouble for it too. It might sound really silly but I am in a very dark bad space right now, very sad, very angry, very confused... I really need some unbiased advice.. or something. From strangers. I am desperate.
For the last 12 years I have been married to a really awesome guy... So much beauty. So much strength. So much talent. So much potential. I love all of him with all my heart including all his little flaws (we all have those right??) We have the most incredible little girl who brings so much joy, amazing pets, a highly interesting life and we live in quite an incredible part of the world... Thanks to and with eternal respect, appreciation and gratitude to his parents. The best in-laws anyone could have. They honestly are the most unbelievably good souls who have provided for us for more than a decade. House car food schooling medical care... You name it. There are no words to describe just what kind of people these are. Incredible.
Like all marriages there are ups and downs and we have our issues and have most definitly been handed our fair share of trials with trust issues and obstacles which we have faced and struggled through together (some with great personal difficulty for me)
My husband told me he was bi-polar before we married and I accepted all the conditions that came with that. I was told what to expect with the downswings to a genius mind so I did not enter blindly... In sickness and in health... till death do us part.
I know who he really is. I have seen the real him.. I accepted and loved him for what he was. Always will.
Over the years various external factors caused these downswings to become more frequent. My interest was seen as prying. My support and encouragment was not seen for what it was, responses to my attempts at showing these became cruel and mean.. and my feelings and emotions were 'put on hold' and told they were not important enough to be heard many times because he might be having a bad day or week. I had to start thinking twice before saying or doing most things because I always ended up saying the wrong things simply because I was so nervous. Nothing I seemed to do was good enough. Even hugs. People started turning a blind eye to what I was actually going through and brushed me off whenever I asked for help telling me to let him do his thing... even though sometimes it was morally wrong and I didn't agree. Relationships with family and friends became strained and I have ended up seeing a shrink twice.
We had the most traumatic event happen in our lives as a family last year which I am still not managing to process... Because I have not been able to talk to anyone without feeling judged. It is humiliating and embarrassing. And in a way I've gone through too much. One more straw and I'm done.
I have just found out in the last 48hours that he has told all his friends we are getting divorced and he's blocked me on social media and refuses to say anything other than its final... I'm broken.
He has always refused and refuses to see a professional. Even though the symptoms of his bi-polar is destroying the lives of the people around him and who have supported him all these years. Not that anyone can make him. It's his choice. I know that.
What makes me so devastated is that I really did try to make his life easier in every way. I really have been there for him... In every way I could possibly stretch myself to show my loyalty and dedication to him and our marriage. Even though he rejected me so many times when he was angry... Not even with me sometimes...
But even at his worst I have been there. Patiently enduring and waiting.
I have had to go through what many people wouldnt be able to handle.. For a very long time and very much alone most of the time... Like how I had to drive myself when I needed surgery to prevent cancer. More than once.
Last night I got told that he was never actually professionally diagnosed!! Has all this been one huge big con? A lie? What?
I am afraid to admit that I am terrified. What do I do? I love this man and dont want to divorce. I did everything right.. so to speak.. I was the good wife, friend, housewife, porn star, mother, cook, cleaner, I looked after our daughter, gave him his space and freedom to be himself, compromised, sacrificed, got a career going for both of us at one stage in something we were both passionate about, did all the things expected from a husband.. Plumbing, hardware, maintanence... With no help for a long time. I gave, gave and gave some more. More than anyone will ever know. My health is in a not so good way after bottling up for so long. Various diagnoses, some still not known. It's awful feeling things growing and not knowing what the fuck is happening. And I'm dealing with these alone.
I will openly admit I most certainly am not entirely innocent here. I am so far from perfect. I have my flaws and I have obviously fucked up at times... I have been angry too but I'm a real softie and have always faced up to my demons and tried to apologise where I was wrong.
He has purposefully ignored very real issues for a number of years while making others and their issues more important than what was right in front of him and now he wants to give up?? Just like that????? Without shouldering the result of his actions and the consequences that have come along with those???? Without taking a fraction of what I have carried all these years?? He even said he would try speak with someone and he never has... And now he wants to just give up?? I'm sick and he wants to leave???
Now that he has all his eggs in his basket that I have also sacrified quality of life for and contributed emotionally and financially to helping him achieve what essentially were his goals and dreams.. what he was good at... he wants to divorce and fuck off???????
The only reason I post here is he is a well known member and looks up to many of you here and many of you up to him. Many of you are part of our lives. For the last few years I have encouraged him with setting up his grow, have contibuted financially and been there every step of the way, taking the risk, living an isolated life.
I know there are fucked up people in the world that dont care what they do but this is a good person who many people have given so much for. I'm afraid. And so goddam sad. I don't know what the fuck has happened to the person I would rather die for than not be with.
What do you think. Is this fair??
