All your shitty jokes
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charface
Well-Known Member
Smarter than the average bud tenders too
lokie
Well-Known Member
charface
Well-Known Member
Classic, i remember it.
He was the best
charface
Well-Known Member
A man moves to a new neighborhood and is getting all of his stuff moved in when the doorbell rings. He answers the door to find a big, burly guy chewing tobacco wearing a greasy tank top.
"Welcome to the neighborhood!" The visitor says and shakes the mans hand.
"Say, later I am having a party and since you are new, you should drop by....there's gonna be a lot of eating, drinking, fighting and fucking." The man says "Great, that sounds like fun! What should I wear?" The fat neighbor replies..."it don't matter, it's just gonna be me and you"
"Welcome to the neighborhood!" The visitor says and shakes the mans hand.
"Say, later I am having a party and since you are new, you should drop by....there's gonna be a lot of eating, drinking, fighting and fucking." The man says "Great, that sounds like fun! What should I wear?" The fat neighbor replies..."it don't matter, it's just gonna be me and you"
BudmanTX
Well-Known Member
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
BudmanTX
Well-Known Member
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, " Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, " I love it but I have to stop eating it. "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and the gizzards!"
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and the gizzards!"
BudmanTX
Well-Known Member
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelicandocta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelicandocta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
BudmanTX
Well-Known Member
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
charface
Well-Known Member
Legit shitty joke
Paste:
So he walks up to his wife and says:
"Honey, we're going fishing; you, me and the dog."
She replies, "I don't wanna go fishing."
Man says, "Well, you will either go fishing with me, suck my dick, or let me fuck you in the ass. I'll give you a few minutes to decide."
15 minutes later he returns and asks, "So have you made up your mind?"
She replies, "I guess I'll just suck your dick since I really don't wanna go fishing."
So the wife starts sucking his dick and almost throws up. She says, "Wtf your dick tastes like shit!"
The man replies, "Yeah, the dog didn't wanna go fishin' either."
Paste:
So he walks up to his wife and says:
"Honey, we're going fishing; you, me and the dog."
She replies, "I don't wanna go fishing."
Man says, "Well, you will either go fishing with me, suck my dick, or let me fuck you in the ass. I'll give you a few minutes to decide."
15 minutes later he returns and asks, "So have you made up your mind?"
She replies, "I guess I'll just suck your dick since I really don't wanna go fishing."
So the wife starts sucking his dick and almost throws up. She says, "Wtf your dick tastes like shit!"
The man replies, "Yeah, the dog didn't wanna go fishin' either."
Jimmyjonestoo
Well-Known Member
Man walks into a sperm bank
Man- hi id like to donate
Sperm bank employee- excellent just take these forms here fill them out and we'll get started
Man- alright thanks by the way.
Sperm bank employee- for what?
Man- that cup of milk you had out on youe desk. I assumed it was for guests...
Sperm bank employee- THAT WAS MY MILK!
Man- hi id like to donate
Sperm bank employee- excellent just take these forms here fill them out and we'll get started
Man- alright thanks by the way.
Sperm bank employee- for what?
Man- that cup of milk you had out on youe desk. I assumed it was for guests...
Sperm bank employee- THAT WAS MY MILK!
BudmanTX
Well-Known Member
A C-130 was about to crash in Gautengeleng; there were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Zuma, the chosen one. The country needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Malema, said, "I am the next president of SA, so EFF don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The THIRD passenger, , said to the FOURTH passenger, a 10-year-old Boy Scout, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Boy Scout said, "That's okay, Sir. There's a parachute left for you. the President grabbed my SCHOOL BAG."
The first passenger said, "I am President Zuma, the chosen one. The country needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Malema, said, "I am the next president of SA, so EFF don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The THIRD passenger, , said to the FOURTH passenger, a 10-year-old Boy Scout, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Boy Scout said, "That's okay, Sir. There's a parachute left for you. the President grabbed my SCHOOL BAG."
BudmanTX
Well-Known Member
A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!" The drunk shoves "it" into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.
"Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.
"Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop."
"Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.
"Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop."