All your shitty jokes

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

When I was a kid I thought salmonella was a fairytale about a fish

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

His ass.


A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits".

The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.


One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitressbrought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.

"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.

"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.

"Oh yeah," the man shouted, "then why don't you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"

"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."


What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A Mechanic.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

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Hint: Say it out loud. : )

A dude goes to the doctor and the doctor says to him "listen, you need to stop masturbating." The dude says "why?" And the doctor says "because I'm trying to examine you."

SunnyJim said:

A dude goes to the doctor and the doctor says to him "listen, you need to stop masturbating." The dude says "why?" And the doctor says "because I'm trying to examine you."

Click to expand...

Guy goes to the doctor with a horrible stuttering problem.."ddddd doc yyy ah gotta help mememe".. Doc says lets take a look and instantly sees the issue " well you have a 12" cock, too much blood is going to it and stressing your brain" "s s s so wh what what should I do do??".. Doc says "Well we gotta cut some off". "What!?" He exclaims. " you don't want to stutter do you?" The dude goes through with the surgery and its a great success. He goes home and his wife is happy but then finds out he's lost 10" of his cock. A week goes by and the doctor gets a call from the man "doc you gotta help me out my wife says she's going to leave I need my cock back!" The doctor replies " f f f f fu fuuck fuck you"

You and I are driving in a car together on our way to a cannabis growers convention. An 18 wheeler crosses the center line and we are both instantly killed. We wake up in hell, we look around and you say to me we have to find the devil and find out what it would take to get paroled the fuck out of here.

We locate the devil and ask about leaving. The devil says if either of you guys will fuck the ugliest girl down here, and make her come...you can both leave...we discuss it together and you say you'll do it since you fucked more girls in your life than I did.

The devil hooks you up with the ugliest, dirtiest, filthiest, foul smelling girl in hell, you are startled, but you start banging away and are fucking her for all you're worth while chunks of her zombie body fall off and bounce on the floor.

Then after a few minutes, you look over to me and see I'm eating Marilyn Monroe. You ask the devil why you have to fuck this ugly, vile, dead zombie bitch while I get to go down on Marilyn Monroe.

The devil says, "Marilyn wants to leave here too."

Some time ago the Americans decided to carry out a study into why the head of a man's penis was wider and thicker than the shaft. So they got 100 volunteers for the study, which cost $500,000 over 3 months, and they came to the conclusion that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

Everyone thought that made sense, except the Germans who thought such a small study was not efficient enough, so they carried out their own study which used 400 people, cost €2 million and lasted a year. In the end they came to the conclusion that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Well, that caused some arguments as both theories were valid but nobody could provide the absolutely conclusive evidence to prove which one was right. The arguments went on for years until the French stepped up and did their own study.

They took 10 men, it lasted 2 weeks and cost 60 cases of wine and in the end they proved that the reason was to stop their hand flying off and smacking them on the forehead....

What do you call the hair between your grandmother's tits?

Her pussy.


How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry her.

During class one day, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one,
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the rest room," she asked.

"Just! a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

Peter stood up and said "I would say" , "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to go shake hands
with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

at that point the teacher fainted.

Her: I'm a model.
Him: Oh great, which agency?
Her: Not like that, I'm a model on Instagram... and you?
Him: I'm a sniper.
Her: In the army?
Him: No. In Call of Duty.

Jacob

What did the 1st grader say to the politician?

.

Here’s one for the over 40s:

I saw Sinead O'Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday. I asked her what kind of activity she'd seen...

"It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays!"

Rainbow Warrior said:

I bought a Brexit calculator today, it doesn't add up but it's excellent at taking away and division.

Click to expand...

Rainbow Warrior said:

I bought a Brexit calculator today - it doesn't add up but it's excellent at taking away and division.

Click to expand...

nobody liked it then either.
← ← ← Politics is that-a-way

Q: What's a baby before it's born?

A: Daddy's little squirt.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

"My husband has thought he was a chicken for the last 15 years..."

Doctor: "why did you wait so long to say anything about it?"

"We needed the eggs..."

Two stoners are walking along a railroad track. One Says:
"This is a really long fucking staircase man!"
The other says:
"I don't mind the stairs man, It's this fucking low handrail that's killing me!"

Jacob

Why does Dr Pepper come in a can?

Because his wife died.